Forgiveness (day 1 of 40)

As I am learning or mulling on this today:

"When do we forgive others?” His answer: “When we strive against all thoughts of revenge; when we will not do our enemies mischief, but wish well to them, grieve at their calamities, pray for them, seek reconciliation with them, and show ourselves ready on all occasions to relieve them” (Thomas Watson, Body of Divinity, page 581 from here).

“unforgiving spirit is not only Satan’s widest door into our hearts, but it is the strongest imitation and warmest welcome. St. Paul not only urges a spirit of forgiveness as a bar to the devil’s ingress, but hastens to close the door by his own readiness to forgive even in advance. “To whom ye forgive anything, I forgive also; for if I forgave anything, to whom I forgave it, for your sakes forgave I it in the person of Christ. Lest Satan should get an advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices.” A lofty spirit, ready and compliant with the spirit of forgiveness, free from all bitterness, revenge or retaliation, has freed itself from the conditions which invite Satan, and has effectually locked and barred his entrance. The readiest way to keep Satan out is to keep the spirit of forgiveness in. The devil is never deeper in hell nor farther removed from us than when we can pray, “Father, forgive them; they know not what they do.” 
― E.M. Bounds, Satan: His Personality, Power and Overthrow

Prayer of forgiveness

Forgive Our Sins: A Prayer By John Wesley
Forgive them all, O Lord:
our sins of omission and our sins of commission;
the sins of our youth and the sins of our riper years;
the sins of our souls and the sins of our bodies;
our secret and our more open sins;
our sins of ignorance and surprise,
…..and our more deliberate and presumptuous sins;
the sins we have done to please others;
the sins we know and remember,
…..and the sins we have forgotten;
the sins we have striven to hide from others
….and the sins by which we have made others offend;
forgive them, O Lord, forgive them all for his sake,who died for our sins and rose for our justification,.and now stands at thy right hand to make intercession for us, Jesus Christ our Lord.
from here 

Does Anyone want to Dance with Me?

This question doesn't go out to the world of lonely people, but the people who have said in words and thought in their hearts they are in a dance with me.

But dancing with someone involves effort, it involves trust, it involves being aware of the other person as well, it involves working on your technique, it also involves letting go...

In my experience, few are willing to see the dance through. Maybe it's cause we are a club society instead of Lang Arm.

Maybe that is why our parents friendships goes deeper than ours today.

I wasn't going to explain, but I have to say this... How do you give advice to someone, if you can't hear them.

How also do you expect your relationship to improve, if you don't communicate with them.

But then again, maybe they don't want the relationship to improve. Hit and run relationships..

Sigh.

This is my struggle. I dance with myself,  but I can't figure out if I have the steps right or wrong, because you can practice all you want on your own, it doesn't mean you will be a good dancer with a person. But you want to try, you want to cross that hurdle and grow that...

****

Thank you Lord, you are the one who sees, and hears and loves me.

Meet me where I am at and guide me through,

An Artist of the Heart

I feel like an artist without any art.

I have always said I’m a worshipper, but never joined the worship teams…

I have seen many artists identify themselves by their craft, their talent, "I’m a dancer, I’m a singer, I’m an artist…" This has made me stand at a distance, where I read all the books, identify with the lessons, but never join the team. For if art is based on skill, I’m not sure if mine is simply undeveloped, and somehow I don’t believe that  in developing that I am becoming an artist (in terms of skill still). I believe I already am an artist, and in developing there is the joy of manifesting the idea, the thought, the heart… But the level of skill and amount of followers, or talent is not the goal. Or as my pastor says about something else, "its not the end, just a means to the end." I am Chandré, I see beauty, I dream of creating and adding, but what I do is not who I am, but flows out of who I am.

Art is a way of seeing, not only the fruit thereof.

Maybe it is both, and for now I am still only seeing?

Today, I listened to a talk by one of my favourite Singers, Sara Groves… (find it on Sound Cloud – a talk at Woodland Hills Church). She mentioned that artists are contemplative, and when Sandy Hooks occurred, in a christian community they had a moment of silence, but then went on with life, but as an artist, for her she felt there is more, she felt it, she felt the fibre of society change, and how can we do more, or respond to this? She then gathered her artists friends, and they planned an event at Arthouse North. What came out of that was really touching and really honouring,  as she said even though it wasn’t the intention it ended up being a memorial to what happened. As I listened, to her speaking, I could relate, this is how I think too… But would I have showed up… with what talent? And yet, I am an artist, I see beauty, I long to respond, I want to pause…

I once told my friend regarding a certain love interest “I’m an artist of the heart, once I see the beauty of someone it is hard to unsee it…”

I think that phrase qualifies me to join the broader art community. My style…?

An artist of the heart ;)

House Hunting, Peace Hunting, Dreaming and Trusting God...

So this year has been the journey of finding a place for me :)

It's been quite an interesting process, and at times quite stressful time. And for a dreamer like me, the balance between dreaming bigger when you can see the potential in a place, yet being practical and then looking at your budget, then stepping out and believing for more than your budget, has been challenging yet grew me.

Some things I have learnt in this process:

1) I now understand why people don't want to deal with Estate Agents. I couldn't understand because my mom is the ultimate loyal, willing to take less commission, listening to your needs and helping you agent. In this journey I have found some the exact opposite of that, but also amazing agents who have given me advice even though they have nothing to gain. But just enjoyed seeing what is the reality.

2) It's all about negotiation... wow this has been a hectic one to learn. And I think it's influencing other areas of my life too. I managed to negotioate one flat from the advertised price of R445 000 down to R380 000,  now makes me wonder what it really was going for. We didn't take it simply because it didn't seem safe and it doesn't help you are living in a security complex but not safe insider the complex.

3) From others, when you are in the place you are meant to be in you will know...

July Journey Thoughts – Midway – And I just showed up for my own life… #ramblings

So I was posting on Google Plus about where I’m at in terms of Success and Living up to my full potential and the last post was lyrics of a song that really inspires me and that I tend to sing to people on their birthdays, and then realised in being about to post about this and feedback on the years dreams that It is my birthday month… So I am just showing up for my own life… Maybe this is the season of things changing in this regard…

So this post will be a rambling of success, dreams, challenges, in terms of 2015 and my life…

So 2015 begins with me saying the goal/extra thing this year is Dance/The Body… (having done Portuguese Lessons in 2014, and art classes in 2013). I find out about this 6 week lose your weight and get your money back program and I decide maybe I should do that first before doing dance lessons at the heavy weight that I am at. Get fit, and feel better and more energised to dance! The course was amazing, I did struggle with cheating in the weekends, and enjoyed my trainer, the variety, the fact that 3 weeks in I was doing things faster, etc… Some memorable moments was losing 1 kilo in the first week (normally I lose more in a go but this time I felt excited because I worked hard to get there), I totally enjoyed being up early and making smoothies, even making a cottage cheese and banana one :) High Knees! And the day I sent the gym a mail saying, ” I’m eating my 5 meals a day” and I’m still hungry! What am I doing wrong!” And he says “No you’re doing something right, your metabolism has increased!!!” Wow when last did that happen!  But then the “arthritis” kicked in on days, and then one night I couldn’t sleep all night because of stomach pain and realised the exercise just brought to surface a problem I had not really noticed in my stomach before, but has been around for a while…  This could be why the nurse suggested I have my esophagus checked out when I was complaining about not being able to take my tablets. In the last week while on acid reflux tablets to rule that out as an option, I sleep wrong and my neck spasms and that took a while to be back to normal… At this stage I still have not gotten back to the gym with an update since…. It took me a while to get over the disappointment of why when you take a step in the right direction, it backfires on me, but when I opened up to God in those moments of pain…boy was He there! I was learning how to hang on him…

Let me say though it is 1 YEAR since I am off Pain Meds for Arthritis!!!YAY!!! Thank you Jesus!!!! Had a knee pain the other night and I just attempted to sleep, knowing sleep has been healing me too! I am trying not to let my body look to a pain tablet for healing so didnt take arthrexin or coxflam though it would have eased the pain…

More recently/ or shall I be more specific and say Last Thursday I went to a Salsa class, and woh did I learn alot not just about dancing, but as I always wanted to about life through the dance… We say all the time that Jazzing makes Salsa easy, but Jazzing for years with other females, doesn’t teach you to be led, to feel the dance… In one lesson with at least ten other partners, I learnt how to have connection with your partner through your hands, but then also to be led, but also to keep a firm grip, and also not do my own thing, or when I do my own thing, I must remember I am dancing with another person! And the different men were all different, in my memory is still this older guy who looks spanish or something with the intense looking straight in my eyes…  So we learnt that we should push towards each other in our hands and then that will end up being a 50 % kinda hold not  but always pushing towards, so then you have a sense of the connection… Sometime in one of the turns too I didnt hold the guys hand fully and in the turn I slipped out, which was also something he said… Sunday when dancing with God in my heart through worshipping him that thought came, about where am I at, feeling the connection do I need to push more, etc… and keeping a firm grip, even in the turns of life! And also at one point I imagined Jesus looking straight into my eyes…I cannot explain this too much more with words, but I know as I dance more I will get greater revelation of me and him, or me and life… It was easy to let go in the muchacha(?) part of the lesson….

So last year when someone asked me what is my dream and what do I do for fun, I cried when he was gone, I’m friendless and dreamless, then a sermon by that very same guy on the Lifecycle of a dream, made me realise learning Portuguese, isnt as insignificant as it seems, The lifecycle of a dream begins with an idea that will just not go away.., And so as you step into that you begin to see!!! Also in the beginning of the year when a friend told me her dreams I also felt like AAAAH I am so far from where everyone else is in their life… And that made me step out on the the tiny ideas… but this year I have just been bumping into people who are doing what I dreamed to do, and reading blogs like A Beautiful Mess and getting soooo inspired and realising more and more when am I going to live up to my potential… And so if you are getting naar at others dreams  not because you jealous but because you realise that until you start doing what is inside of you, you are always going to be frustrated, it reminded me of this veeerrry inspiring quote in the beginning of the Element of Freedom by Alicia Keys cd…

And then the birthday Song I am always sharing with others…

“Just Showed Up For My Own Life” – Sara Groves

Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I’m standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I’m going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that’s honest and real until I’m truly amazed
I’m going to feel all my emotions
I’m going to look you in the eyes
I’m going to listen and hear until it’s finally clear and it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I’m standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I’m standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

So here’s to Freedom and being Fully Alive. Here’s to no more fear of man or myself and to potential being engaged. Thank you to the Lord for my annual celebration of grace! Thank you Lord too that July is a Turnaround Month for me!

Thank you Father for being the wind beneath my wings! As I fly into all that you have for me, eyes fixed on you. Lead me with your hands…May I look into your eyes and not be afraid…

Long overdue Update with no Particular Point

As I walk, work, talk, go through things words go through my head and I think I should write it down, but I just don't... :)

And now that I am sitting down to write I don't remember what those words were either...

So I decided that I'm just going to write whatever comes to my mind write now, so that at least you or I the reader has some inkling into my world at this time...

For the past few years, there has been immense breakthroughs in terms of being able to get closer to God and learning exactly how that works, and if you know me, you would know that was always my heart, the Real Thing! To Know Him... I've also been immensely lonely in recent times, because I've stopped the running after, and the sorting out, that I've done all the years and new emotions have filtered through, like Anger... no one believes me, but I did not know what it was to be angry before and I really don't know how to handle it when I feel that little tingling while I am talking or someone is talking or a situation is escalating and I cannot do anything to change it... I have not yet boiled over/seen red/blamed the other, but what feels like helplessness, now doesn't lead to me crying and beating myself up, but as I said anger! And occasionally depending on who voicing it... Then while I am feeling the tingling, I don't know what to do... I can tell myself to relax, but in my head I know the situation is still unresolved so how do I relax, most recently I offered up a little prayer "Lord please take this anger" Other people who do experience anger, that I ask, act like it is a normal emotion and perhaps it is a normal emotion, but it really is not normal for me just yet, and I worry that I am sinning, I worry that I don't know how to handle the tingling and will become like others, BUT, I also believe that God will teach me or lead me, or as I dig in to him, I will start learning how to douse the flames perhaps with His presence, I don't know. One thing I do know at the moment I am religion-full "dik", so the idea of hearing an answer 3 points to handle anger does not appeal to me at all, I don't want to just control through trying to control myself and then realise actually beneath all the control ("sin management") my heart has not changed, I still am struggling with what I am struggling with... What I think is happening to me is... All the years I dealt with hurts by blaming myself, when I realised it's not all my fault, I cannot blame myself anymore, so now seeing lots of situations for what they are and not knowing how to fix it, and also maybe this is self righteous of me, but because its not how I think or treat people for the most part, I cannot understand why people would do what they do or say what they say or not do what they say or should do, or just simply feeling like no one gives a hoot about me anyway, anger creeps in me. (no the no one gives a hoot is still more painful than it is frustrating)... Anyway so these are all the things that have been in my head mixed with amazing moments of Amazing love... Someone told me Saturday Past, I am God's Favourite and He really Enjoys me, that really touched my heart. I've heard it before, I believed it before, but I think in this time it really touched my heart... And I think I also understood, although I don't think Loneliness is a good thing, AT ALL, but I must say in my loneliness, I have not not experienced God's tangible love...wow, in this season I have felt his presence like in a moment.... whereas I remember the years of feeling nothing!

So with all the stuff I said, I believe God is doing a new thing and things will work out, I have started the read the bible in 3 months thing again as I thought about checking when it started in may yesterday then saw it starts today...Lets see what will happen this time round!!!

Ammmmaazing.

The Grace to be Gracious...

Uuuhhhmmmmmuururrggghhh Sigh...

That is me introspectively looking inside of me, and feeling I don't have love or grace in me to be gracious, yet that is what my names mean and what he gives me all the time Grace...grace despite my mistakes, shortcomings...So why can't I be gracious to others and is it not maybe that some of the grace he is giving me is to be gracious to others...

*frustration from not understanding...