Not such a good post

Today I feel as though I need to earn friendships and that is not the way it should be. I'm being honest here and I know that shortly God will reveal to me the answers and that I am blessed to be a blessing but for now right now just feels sad that what I have vs what I want are worlds apart. Yes I have amazing friends, and love Nature and God but when it comes to family I wish I didnt have to work so hard. I wish the working came from both sides.
I know I make it worse when it gets too much and i begin to express how I feel. I know that pushes people further away.But would be nice for once if someone reached out to me instead of the other way round or at least meet me halfway.
I dont know what to do about death looks and harsh comments. Perhaps I need to just grow up and be less sensitive. But i guess I've been trying to grow up for 27 years. I know as I continue to press in to God he will strengthen me on the inside and also fill me with the love I need to love even when I feel unloved.
Like Luke 7 in the message says, if we only love those who love us how much better are we than those who are evil cause even they know how to love their own.
Now for whoever may be reading this I am not referring to a specific person or incident. Also this holiday there were a lot of blessings, like I thought in the bus, I wish I had a friend here

And then I thought but I do, Little 4 year old Zoe. In fact God says unless we become like that 4 year old we cannot see the kingdom of heaven. So I've been in good company this holiday. Also Mom gave me lots of money for this holiday and clothes which in no way i would have been able to provide myself.

Maybe it's like that ex pastor once prophesied to me, God allows these rejection moments to happen cause they cause me to run even more to him. which Is what I should have been doing in the first place

Well I've been wanting to blog my highlights for this holiday for the past I dont know how many days, and now eventually when I get to the internet, I'm having a low moment. (so will do that some other time, however no more credit card money!)

Will just try and push pass this to Jesus. As to the others I'll figure out tomorrow or later what to do about it. One needs a touch from God to keep going back and keep smiling even when no ones smiling with you.

I dont really blog for others to read, so it's a bit hectic me blogging this much on here. But for my dear friends and spiritual family who may be reading this.

Thank you for your support love and also for expressing it, and for being friends in better and worse with me.

Thank You God for your love in all (I will be here). May I continue to allow You to transform my life and give you a bigger part. It's all about relationship isnt it. There's so much more you want to be in my life yet it's up to me to allow it.\

Also wish I could meet some christians here! (are there any?) those who I know are sort of guarded towards me.Or some good new friends.


Lastly, I'm not saying all of this as if I'm perfect. I'm sure if there was a blog about me, my crankiness, sensitiveness, irritation when getting death looks, I won't be spotless either. But I guess I am wanting to be loved despite my faults.

I know I have that in You Lord, and I know that I'm only going to be transformed, as I continue to give you first place in my life...

Amen