I used to (maybe still do) pour a lot of me in what I'm writing to someone. I think it's the same as blogging, except this actually was emailed to people instead of posted randomly to whoever wonders by. The reason why I want to blog these, is not to show what I wrote to them, but as I read them it inspires me, and it's more for me a reminder of where I was at, or where I still am...So will try where necessary to remove names in the letters, but see it more as a blog than a letter....
((((it's amazing how I still feel like this at times, but then I felt like this most of the time so I gotta work on it))))
**** written by me sometime in 2004 ****
What can I say except that I am in love with this wonderful, amazing guy, No... guy is too small, too plain a word to describe him, for he is so much more to me, there are so many sides to him, that I can never feel I've figured him out, in fact I don't even want to for He is God,
and me...
I am so humbled that He has chosen me to know His love, and that He longs to know me, and be known by me...it's surprising, sometimes confusing, mind boggling, but true. And to know that God is truth, and His words are true! His words to me are true... Well, I am blessed.
Now I know, I may seem crazy or it may seem just to be a phase, or it may seem like it's all just this emotional roller coaster, but you know what, what I feel and what I know right now, is that whatever I have known about Him, up to now, is nothing compared to what there still is to know, and that means I can never be at a place where I know it all, about this thing called Christianity, or where I can feel I've figured out my God, In fact today I was reminded of a scripture of which the first half was my favourite a couple of years back but the second part speaks volumes too.
Isaiah 50: 10 – 11
Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.
But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches,
go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze.
This is what you shall receive from my hand: You will lie down in torment.
Too many people know of Jesus, but don’t know Him, too many do things for Him, think they are ok, but don’t know Him. Too little want to know Him, not what He can do for me. I don’t pretend I know it all, I’ll be first to admit, that since I have begin seriously pursuing God, I am only a little closer to my aim, but that little closer in a few months is million miles further than where I’ve been in the past nearly 5 years. And I am so grateful for this new page in my life… That He would choose me that He actually honours me with His presence, and to know His love…and even when things are dark, and tough, and scary…Oh I would rather trust Him, than pick up my own light.
Just read further now…
Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness
and who seek the Lord:
look to the rock from which you were cut
And to the quarry from which you were hewn;
look to Abraham, your father,
and to Sarah, who gave you birth.
When I called him he was but one,
and I blessed him and made him many.
The Lord will surely comfort Zion
And will look with compassion on all her ruins;
He will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the Lord.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing.
Did I mention at my baptism they prophesied over me…that God will bless me with even more joy and that it will be my joy and smiles, and love that will reach the people, and also at the same time there is a seriousness and it’s like I have a sword in my hand too…almost like I’ll win my battles with my love. Anyways I feel like Zion, joy and gladness will be found in me, thanksgiving and the sound of singing! (*and dancing!) If u can get hold of this, the new cd of Hillsongs, Faithful… the 3rd song is my favourite… listen to it… “Your love endures forever, it reaches to the heavens, and though my flesh may fail me, You’re the strength of my heart, you will always be, I know your lovingkindness, the Power of forgiveness, all that I hold dear is You, My Jesus, It’s You I long for… Also I hope the Abraham part means the spiritual children God will add to my life, the people He will reach through me for eternity…
Pray for me…This journey I’ve begun with the Lord I never want to end! The Lord knows that…like the day I committed that terrible sin 3 years ago…I said Lord if you can’t forgive me for this, and I have to live life without you, there is no point to life, for life without you is hell. Same as the song, This is the air I breathe… Without air we suffocate, without God I die, for He is my life! But praise God, He has new blessings and mercies in store for me every day, and that wow He’s got so many good, great plans, if I am but willing to take His hand, to trust in Him.
The ring I told you about (wait I feel like I am chatting away about me, me, me, but I hope you too are blessed by this message on my heart, and also I want you to know where I’m at, and I don’t always have the ability to put it in one sentence : ) last week sometime, I sinned (ok I’m getting sick of messing up too) so I thought I think all these great things, and give everything to God, even the things I struggle with, and then in the heat of the moment, I forget things I honest to God believe and stand for (this is not everytime though,ok!) until after it’s done.And then it’s like all my words, and prayers, and verses come back to me. And it’s like those were the verses trying to prepare me for what happened and if I just meditated on it more, or realised when I read them, it means be careful, it might not have happened, and I thought I wish I have a purity ring…like the one they mention in Joshua Harris, Rebecca St James books… Maybe if I don’t have a bible, the ring will always be on me reminding me of the promise I made to God.
But the thought passed on, I repented, but still felt a little disappointed in me and later in the week I went to dance.(which is really cool and hectic this year, lol, she having split us up into our own 30- years class, so we can learn all these hectic ballet stuff, I just said God must have wonderful plans for my body still…even if I had given up!) we had this humbling exercise, with a cloth… where u lay the cloth in front of you on the ground (I took green my new fav colour-life, newness, growth) and you pretend this is the cross, and for about the length of one song, You just stand there and look at the cross, and you bring to God (in your heart) whatever you want to bring to the cross. Whether it be your troubles, your worries, people, joy, love, yourself…whatever….And then when you ready and you feel you have now left everything you need to there, you pick up your cloth, and you dance with Jesus!… What I experienced… was at the cross I just wanted to be crucified with Him, if there was any last part of me in me, I just wanted it to die there, I gave it to Him there, and I thought of my baptism too and how that was the symbol that the old me is gone, so when I stood up too dance, at first I danced with the one message on my heart – Christ in me…I started to pray, Lord even now as I dance, Not me, nothing of me, but You Lord, You come move in me, through me, let it be all about You, not steps, not me, Just You! And later the cloth became to me my love for Him, and I just got sooo happy and delighted…and felt inlove…and without planning it,thinking about it, the cross became like a veil to me, and I felt like the bride of Christ…looking into His eyes of Love, my feet actually started to be a bit wobbly, but when I thought of His eyes of love, I just danced even more.
And also I got this revelation of Him, being my husband, and how, when your husband has his arm around you,tall around you and you walk into a room of strangers, friends, enemies whoever, you just feel protected, He is just so strong, and bold, brave, not worried, and you aren’t concerned either because you know he is looking out for you, but in contrast with this strong, mighty look, when u look into his eyes, there’s just love, He doesn’t see the insecurities, the wobbly feet, the flaws,or blemishes, just you, His love, his bride, his wife. And you just respond to that love, and become free, in him, dance and laugh and joy, cause what else really matters when the best person in the world loves you…That is how I felt about Jesus Friday. That I love Him soo much…and that He loves me soo much…And it amazes me even further, that even though I saw God as my Father, my Friend, my Lord, my Saviour, now I too see Him as my love…How many more sides are there to this wonderful God! So I left dance wanting to get me a purity ring…now not just because I want to be pure… but because I love God, because this ring is first and foremost a token of my Love for Him…guy at work said ppl will think I’m taken, I say so what. Good! Good evangelism tactic too… “So why u wearing a ring on ur wedding finger, do you have someone special?” “Actually, yes…Jesus…” :) I didn’t have the money to buy me a new ring…but as I hardly wear my rings I do have, dug out my old gold with 2 small diamonds ring to wear till I can buy something… Another thing about my love. He understands!
Ok so there you have it, my life for the past 2 weeks…there’s been downs too, like my frustrations with the school structure, but in comparison to what He has done for me…wow I am just so grateful, and excited for what’s next…Do keep me in your prayers, I am but young in the faith, but the Lord is the strength of my heart and my portion forever….
Chan
(lost my ring at one dance production, but hey...I still believe he is my Isaiah 54 husband)
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