Today. Today it's all or nothing... (and previous days too)

People say I'm paranoid, but it really sucks when you sensed how people feel about you and then I'm right. Exactly that happened today and I had to suck in all insecurity about knowing that certain people do feel funny towards me, perhaps it was just challenged, but it was definitely not my imagination, needless to say. I know in the future I may wonder what this was about but the thought of people reading about themselves on here instead of me voicing to them how I feel just doesn't cut it for me.

Anyway in the same breath I am learning, and asking God to make me stronger. I realise what people say over and over, people make a success at doing the things they love. So what is holding back mine? Is it that I'm not doing what I love? (and what is that anyway?) or is it insecurity holding back whatever I put my hand to or more correctly put, me allowing my insecurities to hold me back.

Yesterday, was an exciting, good, day, everything went right, except perhaps the few mistakes and the fact that I might not have gotten this job. Well yesterday I sort of had a practical interview at Saxenburg wine farm which would determine whether I got the job. My only responsibility was pouring water (sparkling or still) and white and red wine and of course learning and helping others clean. You'd think that was easy... No! But thats a whole nother blog. Sufficed to say I learnt to pour wine with one hand, I learnt that white wine gets warm and champaigne needs to be offered straight after it's poured. It's highly inappropriate to stand on the floor when speeches are being made and what are the correct amounts of wine to pour in the glasses. That is too after making a mistake. My highlight was of course shaking the hand of the farm owner and Leo (very humble, great) the chef, after being presented to the guests. This because I wasnt even yet staff yet there I am up in front with the rest. I will never drive past the farm without remembering this again. Such a beautiful place too. And also took some notes from the owner's speech. In this Christmas season some of the values to hold on to is Peace, Respect, Union/Unity, Light(Jesus for me) Yep the above spoke to me and I am going to try and not speak about people in terms of issues I see but keep them in prayer too. And Peace and Respect important in the home.

God is really speaking to me through Psalm 40


Psalm 40
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods. [a]

5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced [b] , [c] ;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll. [d]

8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.

14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.