Thoughts Update...

Been having a tough couple of days, which built up to me falling in old struggles again! But praise God for his faithfulness and me having learnt that the only safe place is in him. I now am beginning to see why God wants us to be like children. So we can take things one step at a time, so we can enjoy the moment, so we can trust with such innocence. So we don't overthink and stress over future and past. And as we do this we hear him, he enjoys us and he leads us. But when don't and want to resolve, or understand things or know what future holds too much, you can stress yourself out so much that it opens doors for enemy to attack you again, cause he knows you're not resting in, trusting in, depending on God anymore, but your own reasoning.

So ja thats that, but today I am better, ok, me falling made me worry that I'm right back in my past, but I'm not cause I know who my God is, and that he is still with me and that makes all the difference, to cry in his arm and realise that I need to keep my eyes fixed on him and in looking at him, peace is coming again.

On another note. Even though for years when ppl would say that one must enjoy your singleness, cause when u're married you won't have the opportunity to do e.g. missions, etc.etc...I always thought/ said yes, you say that now, but they look so happy feels like we're missing out... It's not that I hate being single, I don't. I know how to embrace life where I'm at and sort of make the most of it, but I do at times wish I had a companion and do have dreams, and for the romantic I am, did not imagine life to turn out this way, yet at the same time am grateful to God for letting me sort out my life, cause imagine i had gotten married at 23 as I wanted, would I be divorced today? or overwhelmed?

But lately trying to put myself in married shoes :) I realise what people mean, right now I can up and leave, I can dream and even follow my dream. I am ok with me, i love me, being with someone else makes me vulnerable (maybe that is the purpose of marriage, to die to self?). When I look at the people around me I see some balanced, others I see that esp.as a wife, you have to put your dreams aside. Well one married friend encouraged me it's not that you give up your dreams , its that you make new dreams together....

Anyway I don't think I'm ready. Says the girl who is turning 31 this year and was worried last year about the ten million children she wants :). But I am also learning that life is not about when you think you are ready or not. Its about staying close to God and serving and loving him and doing what he asks you to do. If it's his time, whether I think I  am ready or not, things will work out and he will speak. It's when I'm not staying close that everything looks scary and I'm tempted to take things in my own hands, despite that life has taught me over and over, me in control on life and love things is not a good thing!

So Ja, Hard as it is, I choose to trust you, even when I don't know what my future holds, I don't know how things are going to work out, I don't know where I will be next year :) lol. What I do know is if I stay close to you I will be in the perfect will of God and you make ALL things beautiful in your time, even the difficult, crosses. :)

God you are good. Love you!
Chan