this season

i dont know
i dont know where to go
i dont know how to fix things
i dont know all the answers
i dont know how to make it
i dont know, I dont know

what i've seen
is when i give up
he can work and move

so even in my i don't knows
i'm giving up
God work and move
God keep the pieces of my heart together
And heal me once again

God help me in my relationship with others
Help them in their relationship with me
But mostly God,hold me.
So that I can be ok, even when I don't know.

...

everyday a sharing of what's on my heart leads to an argument, and because the object of my affection is so important to me,I am beginning to think maybe I should just not share my heart, I don't know if it's just this situation or everyone that comes along who doesn't get me,all I know is that I try so very hard to spell out all my feelings and intentions and still it will be misunderstood or misread in a way I didn't intend it. Anyway, the verdict is I am in love, but love hurts and I am generally not neutral when it comes to love or hurt. But hurt or no hurt, the good is so much greater and worth pursuing,so I allow things to be swept under the carpet or hope things will work out on their own cause I don't know how to with my words.

rejection sucks too.it really does.

God help and hold on to me.

Anyway I do know that the rejection is not intentional nor really understood.

But I have to share my heart somewhere and though I dont really want to make my heart public, i dont really know who else to speak to, so i blog...

Right now greater things are going on than my little problems, Lord please come!!!!!!! Intervene...Your Presence, Lord, Come with you presence...


Amen

Questions...

1) Why do people say they'll be there? Then after you make yourself vulnerable, yet again, you never hear from them again? Or maybe I will, and I should just wait longer?

2) How do you sort out things with people, when you're not sorry yet for what happened. And now you in self protection mode? Do you not speak to them until you can say sorry and face same hurt again? Or do you not say sorry but at least begin the dialogue. What if you're not ready to be hurt again, in just dialoguing?

3)Do you hold onto friends who are absent when you're not there? Making you begin to wonder was it merely based on you. Do you let go without letting them know you are letting go? I used to hold on and fight, but learnt when I was away to let people just be? So now I'm trying that but also wondering if I should be fighting or letting go.

More to follow.

Before I forget

Though there has been a lot of hurtful situations today I am still going to blog the relevations God gave me in quiet time today as I think it's pretty relevant for me right now and whoever else may be blessed by it.

Also the wordplay on relevant and revelation is something to remember.

This morning as I was praying and surrendering to God for the first time in a long time... God reminded me, that Christianity is not a RELIGION with RULES but a relationship with GOD. Cause I have this tendency to push God away when people hurt me or when I mess up or when I can't see a solution because in my mind all the rules comes to mind. E.g You're going to have to forgive this one, cause thats what Christianity is? And thats what God is oging to expect when you come to him, and then its so hard because for now my mind is still trying to figure out how can this have happened...or if purity is still an issue,then u're really a messed up christian cause you should be walking in holiness and righteousness. But God reminded me, Christianity is not rules, or Religion, but a Relationship with HIM. As I come to him, He purifies me, As I surrender to him, he brings healing and strengthens me to face the people i need to or gives me wisdom, Its about drawing nearer to him, so he can do it, Even Righteousness, the bible says JESUS is our righteousness, apart from him our righteous works is nothing...

So though I'm hurting, and broken and messed up, I am going to continue coming close to the one who's love is bigger than even my imperfection and even though I am messed up he doesnt stop loving me, so let me go to him and let him Love me into healing so that then I can face a messed up world to. Lord Thank You for your love I can say this even in my hurting and broken heart! (I normally can't so thank you so much for holding on to me :) and how apt that He loves - Kim Walker should be the song that is playing now...)

Chan

my heart, my God, my awaiting?

The distance between me and you seems so much bigger, but it could just be my holding back, from your loving arms. But yet Lord, I desire your pursuit of me, I desire your arms around me. Lord, it feels like everything I get in life is only if I ran after it, pursued it? It's like making a wish? Was it meant for you or did you only get it cause you wished it.

So Lord right now, I ask you to please come an intervene, in my heart, in my life, in my situation, Even though I am standing at a distance I invite you Lord, to take a hold of me, and never let go as the Kari Jobe song says (I know that you are for me, I know that you will never forsake me in my weaknesses)

Lord Also, right now I feel so alone in this situation, I feel like I can't talk to him, I can't talk to anyone else, I can't talk to you. I can't talk to him cause he doesn't want to talk to me, I can't talk to other people, because so many not really interested in my life and only there, as I said when I run after them. Not all, but as I said so many. Then can't talk to you, cause I'm afraid, I'm afraid of the expectations, that people say, I'm afraid to trust, becuase I feel like I already know what u going to say becuase it's been drilled into me for years.
*How funny the Kari Jobe music I am listening to is... Just as I'm typing this it's saying
Give me Faith
Give me strength enough to wait
To stand in faith
And listen for, listen for your melody

Lord hold on to me :) Even in this difficult time, Lord it's hard to trust, trust things will get better, or things will change? I don't know what to trust for, and I'm struggling to just trust.

I love you :) But God I so desire to be "swept away" (kari jobe) by your love...By your arms...I wish you would just lift me off my feet and dance with me, and wipe my tears away, and encourage my heart, give me faith, give me strength enough to wait.

don't know what's happening...Hope it's not the worst...

I used to say in the past, a heart that's breaking is like having an egg in your hands that is breaking,u don't know whether to hold on to what's left or if everything is slipping through ur fingers. U in limbo, not entirely sure what's happening or what to do.

Weekend to Home...

What a wonderful rollercoaster (but not in my typical meaning of this word fashion) this past couple of days have been. It started with a bang (fight) and off I go to Jbay with alot of pain, but at the same time determined to fulfill what I had purposed to do despite what just happened. I arrive Friday night 8h30, and end up meeting or rather meeting and relating to a girl who's blogs I had been reading and just to end up getting to know her and praying with her at the end was really great. I thought my sleeping bag and thin blanket would be enough, it wasn't and so next morning I wake up with 2 big red marks on my nose. A literal Cold sore. Just to add as a funny part of the night, I asked Daan to give me a book to read the time I am there, cause the others were reading some heavy deep book. He says he has the perfect book for me, do I want to know the title? When he said that I knew something was coming! I say yes, the answer... "Disobedience brings the curse of the Lord"...I shook my head and walked away

Saturday...
I got to say hello to Uncle Tommy, only thing I didn't manage to do is say hi to Maylene. I met the April DTS students :) very different group, Lots of African guys which brings a different flavour. Met Miriam's sis, so cool how God intervenes in the lives of people.Over the weekend got to hook up with all my old new friends,went out to the mall with car taxi and 2 friends, got to meet with Mella and Daan the night, and it was awesome, spoke to Daan about the more general issues, and missions, future etc. and Mella the more personal stuff, that has been cropping up in the past months. When she prayed she prayed that I would hear the voice of the Lord Like Isaiah, you will hear a voice at your left and right saying this is the way walk in it :) The next day I got to PE and the evening at church the whole message was about hearing the voice of God that scripture was mentioned twice in the service and the next day Monday,the message in my email was again about hearing the voice of the Lord...heavy God really speaking to me :) Back to Saturdays events. About 11:30pm I start playing Settlers of Catan with Gavin and Ettiene, and believe it or not the game lasted till 1 am.

Sunday Had an awesome time at WOF just pouring out my love and self to God, I couldnt really walk, because my feet were paining from lack of sleep, coldness and all the stress of the past.But at one point in the service Ps Denvar led us in a prophetic dance, like the mauris dance before a match, we should dance before our breakthru that was awesome. Like the dry bones of Ezekiel, God is doing new thing and the bones will become flesh.

Will hopefully update this blog later for now I have to go :)