Still a struggle, Lord give me your grace in this.

I still struggle with:

Someone says something insensitive.

I think to tell them not to say that, or maybe explain where I'm at so they will respect where I'm at,

instead of Ok, I'll bear that in mind next time,

It escalates into more hurtful words being thrown at me, a can of worms being opened, such a backlash that I'm like maybe I shouldn't have said anything but yet, why asking someone to please respect something or trying to sort of stop more harmful words, brings more.

And yet I do not want a bitter root to grow in me, I do not want to entertain and partake of the spirit of judgement and accusation. I want to show the same grace shown to me, I want to love the way Jesus's loved. I want to listen beyond the words and have compassion to the hurting person behind the words.I want to think "That's kleintjies" to the words said to me and just rise up and show love, and be humble.

I want to! But then I don't. I take the bait. I think maybe if I just explain the person will understand.

Then I'm hurt by the result.

and then I struggle with Jesus, cause in my mind there is an unresolved issue, that I have no idea how to fix.

And maybe before all of this, I was just going to come, just going to open up to Him, now instead I feel like I can't cause things with my brother/sister is not right.

And yet I've been down this road before. I've learnt before that when I do go to Jesus, he softens my heart and I do forgive, in fact I'm filled with love and compassion, or he convicts and shows me where I'm wrong. I also think u can't extend grace, if you haven't experienced grace, if you don't know grace.
If everytime I mess up, or even people mess up with me, I suddenly feel like I can't go to my God, then I do not yet know the heart of my Father toward me.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love - 1 John 4:18

Lord please perfect me in your love. But not just for me Lord, may you teach me how to love like you love! Father I pray that you will heal the brokenness, drive out the fear, strenghthen me on the inside so I won't be so overly sensitive.

And teach me how to love. Fill me with your agape Love. Lord I forgive and release and want to love! Help me in this Oh Father.

For you have surely shown me love and grace even in the midst of my mess!

Thank you Lord. Lord may have greater revelation of You, Your love, Your love for me. May  be established and rooted deep in and grasp with all the saints, the depth, the width, the height of our love! And know this love that surpasses knowledge!

I don't want to just know it all, I want to experience your love.

Here is my heart, here is my life, here I am Lord.

All yours.

I surrender.

may I die to self, so it is not I that lives but You who live through me.

For your glory Lord.

Amen!

Tornado - Sara Groves

You live your life like a tornado
Destruction follows everywhere you go
And you have no plans to stop or slow oh

I will not let this bitter root grow in me
I will not let you leave that legacy
But it gets so hard when pain is all I see oh

Every time I find healing you're making a new mess
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness

And I tried to remove myself from your path
But I keep waking up in the aftermath
So I pick up again and say I won't look back oh
And I will not let you leave that legacy
But this constant fight is breaking me oh

Every time I find healing you're making a new mess
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness

And it hurts when you hit at the hearts of the ones I love
When everything you touch is rumble and dust
And it gets so hard to know how to trust
But I will not let that bitter root grow
I will not let it no no
But it gets so hard oh

Every time I find healing you're making a new mess
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness
And I could move and never send you a forwarding address
Or I could learn the real meaning of forgiveness

Funnies amidst seriousness...

Went to visit my dad in hospital today... Yes that is the serious part but I don't want to mull on that now, but more on the funnies that came out of the hospital visit.

Firstly Nicole was wanting my scarf! So
someone said something about bow that I work I buy expensive scarves.
I said its only R20!!! My dad says I'm lying it's a R200 scarf :)

Then when or after I started ministering to my dad, he asks me if I'm inlove. I say It's Jesus in me that you are seeing but my dad keeps going on that he must first come ask my dad out and Uncle Leon if he can be with me...lol it was funny cause I was full of God at time and I know that's the fragrance I give off but it's also slightly true that I'm smitten and it's been years since my dad made positive jokes about this,almost like a go ahead....I just shook my head, but will keep it in mind should I.

On a more serious note I trust God for complete healing for my dad's physical and spiritual heart....

May from all our hearts to the heavens, Jesus be the centre. It's all about Jesus.... In Him all things hold together! I trust also the grace shown to me will also flow to those around me especially my loved ones!

Who would have thought...

A year ago, I applied for every job but IT. It was last year this time of year that my sickness came back and I wondered is this because I am going back to work and not out doing my hearts desires. The idea of going back to a field that was stressfull, that I felt so out of place in, was scary to say the least.

BUT GOD...

Besides all the millions of other good things that have happened in my life, this blog is dedicated to the work things!

Starting this year with God changing my head and heart about IT. I attribute  this to God, cause nothing in me was excited about this field since the very beginning, in 1999 when started studying. Yes I had momentary achievements, but I longed to do community work, arts, children, travel, etc... For the last 4 years coming alive out on the mission field, a real dread was in my heart to come back to IT.

So the first thing, was realising the areas that I need growth in, Time, Tasks, Order, Process, IT is the perfect school, and also a desire to begin to write my own story, put into words by a good friend of mine. I can't live fully while lugging debt. I will not grow up in taking responsibility if I continue another ten years in my parents house. I won't get rid of the debt, if I keep working for R2000 a month.

We did a crazy thing in our young adults prayer group and trust God for a certain amount of salary. Though it was higher than what I have ever before earned, I could justify it. I would be able to move out, pay for medication, and begin to move forward if I had that amount. I began job hunting with the desire to get a job, that i can learn, grow, be challenged, that does things properly, and that pays enough. Although I wondered am I turning my back on missions, I knew I had to take a step. If God meant me to be in missions in this season even if I sent my CV for a job, he would then close that door and miraculously provide for my debt.If he meant for me to work, he would open up that door. Either way God would have his way, but I couldnt sit and twiddle my thumbs and do nothing because of fear of doing the wrong thing for years on end.

I went for about 3 interviews, then I wrote on Facebook, went for an interview today, not asking for jobs because I really was still a bit hesitant about working in IT, then a friend inboxed me to mail my cv to this company. I asked what is the position for, he didn't know but asked me to ask the girl I was mailing. She then passed my CV on, became my friend on email and FB. I had 3 different interviews for 2 different positions, then thought I didnt get the job, and then that turned around and I got the job for the position I am in now for the salary I wanted. The position I am in now, is exactly what I needed to grow in times, tasks, process. The company I work for works according to best practices so everything is done properly, documented and continuous improvement, every employee is encouraged to grow. I have a super manager :) I've made big mistakes already, but I think it was divine because it was lifelong issues that needed to be addressed and I am working at it and becoming a better person.

A year ago I would not have been able to imagine myself in IT, and now I am happy. Of course I still long for the mission field. But I also enjoy learning, and growing and interacting with the various people at my work locally and internationally. I know that this is where I am meant to be for this season. I also know that God has his hand on me, that this was divinely orchestrated by God and that he is better than good. Meeting my needs, my wants, my desires. I could not have landed a job like this for myself. I didn't believe in myself concerning IT enough to be able to do what I am doing. But daily I am becoming who he always saw me as...

Who would have thought I'd be here? The one who knows the end from the beginning. The one who has written all the days ordained for me in His book before one of them came to be. The one who has searched me and knows me. How does one say thank you to God. How do you say thank you to a God who keeps rolling out a red carpet before you  and treating you like a queen and seeing all the potential in you even before you realise it. I can say thank you, but it seems not enough. Thank You Lord. Thank you Lord.
Thank you for your faithfulness, thank you for your grace. I do not deserve it, yet you favour me.

Thank you for your cross and your love. towards me, I think I am beginning to get it, but still not there yet. But Lord as you are blessing me, do not leave my heart the same.I offer my heart back to you, may I become pleasing unto you!

Marriage Continued....

Having said all that I said previously, I have to add, I do want the romance, the pursuing, the dates, the attraction, the being overwhelmed with love, the little sweet things that go with and lead to marriage. I think I have missed out enough years, and I am an absolute romantic, so having a marriage that is merely spiritual is not enough. I want the whole shebang :) BUT I do realise the romantic things are not enough to sustain a lifetime of marriage. It is not the substance. I want  more than just 2 people falling in love, life about themselves, having children, then happily ever after. But at the same time, even though I want more, does not mean that my more should not include the above. Although I believe the above also brings glory to God.

Question: Do I want to get married soon?
Answer: Yes and No. While I am tired of being alone, living alone, living life alone. I also don't want to rush things. I want the friendship, the courtship, the building a relationship, and not jump straight into being a wife, a mother, paying bonds, etc.etc. But also time is running out. I don't know. I also have questions regarding things happening around me... And in my need to have answers I want to rush things...Which goes against what I just said above...

I do know that God's plans and purposes will prevail. If I'm meant to, God will prepare my heart, and put the desire there. I have many other questions and heart thoughts that I don't want to put on here, in case the relevant people are reading. Want clarity!!! :)

But learning or trying to wait and trust. And in meantime sorting out issues in my own life. Doing the right thing even when its hard! :)

Yeah....

Beautiful Poem - ee cummings - Somewhere I have never travelled.

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond

by E. E. Cummings

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond any experience,your eyes have their silence: in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me, or which i cannot touch because they are too near   your slightest look easily will unclose me though i have closed myself as fingers, you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens (touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose   or if your wish be to close me, i and my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly, as when the heart of this flower imagines the snow carefully everywhere descending;   nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals the power of your intense fragility:whose texture compels me with the color of its countries, rendering death and forever with each breathing   (i do not know what it is about you that closes and opens;only something in me understands the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

On Marriage....

 This is due to recent conversations that I keep expressing my view but don't have it written anywhere. Recent revelations. (though have to admit it is not a good day for me in that department...

On marriage.... ( for me ):

For me its not about finding the one who completes me, but who complements me. It's not about two halves becoming one, but two wholes being greater together. Multiplication. It's when it makes better sense for two people to be together than apart, it's when two destinies collide and accomplish great exploits together, it's when their union is not just about their own individual needs although there is beauty,love, satisfaction in their oneness....but them being together is a blessing to each other, to their future children and their future children's children, for their greater families and communities, for the world that they touch and influence, for God's purposes and his Kingdom and most of all for His glory. Marriage is no small task. This is more than just finding love, even though our hearts long for it and we come alive when we find it... It is firstly finding God, finding His love, then finding ourselves and living fully, then finding each other, complementing one another, learning to serve, learning to cleave, learning to support, learning to dance, learning to let go...learning to become one. Learning to bring God in their marriage, their love, their union reflecting the Love of Christ shared with the Church. The beauty and joy, the perseverance and commitment amidst the process of letting go of self, of trials and attacks, of distractions, of everything that we come across in daily living....this is God's plan... marriage is possible, dancing is possible, walking with Him is possible, living for his glory is possible. Two individuals, two gifts and talents and personalities, with own weaknesses and strengths, joining together, loving one another, enjoying one another, becoming one and then uniting their visions and doing greater things for God together! Changing the course of history, changing          their generational lines....wow... God give us strength, God bless our marriage, God fill us all with Your love, so we can love one another with a love that brings glory to You...Father....wow, I am such a child in this.... Maybe so far from this reality, but seeing your vision and heart in this....thank you for being Love, for making us to love. For Marriage and union and family and  sharing of love.... Thank you for blessing marriage for believing in it for creating it right in the beginning of creation.... (Gen 2).Thank you for the beauty and joy marriage brings for all that is right about it, for all that two paths beoming one new path brings, for just allowing people to even just enjoy life not alone...like you are...but mostly for Your heart toward us as shown through marriage:

Ephesians 5:

Wives and Husbands

22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Prayer of the morning

Psalm 90:

¹⁴ Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
    that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
¹⁵ Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
    for as many years as we have seen trouble.
¹⁶ May your deeds be shown to your servants,
    your splendor to their children.

¹⁷ May the favor^[b] of the Lord our God rest upon us;
    establish the work of our hands for us—
    yes, establish the work of our hands.

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,

This trully is my cry at the moment as I have to face so many things and pour out and help so many people and have so much responsibility at work and basically just flop on my bed, and occasionally can't sleep cause of pain and coldness... But in the morning Lord, I really need you to meet with me, I need you to fill me up, for me! I need your love, your presence. Satisfy me with YOUR unfailing love. Only Your love can fill me, my needs, my dryness, my deepest parts.

    that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
¹⁵ Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
    for as many years as we have seen trouble

I know if I'm filled with your love everything else is overflow...The Joy of the Lord is my strength...Satisfaction with you and your love makes me happy, and all my days will be glad if in the morning you satisfy me.....Lord you know that for years I've been sad, I've been struggling, I've been surviving, some of it was my own sin, and therefore the consequences, for sin, as you are holy and we have to live according to your ways, the other years it was trouble, not of my own doing, done to me, or done to others that i have seen and have felt for it, buckled under it, faced it. Lord for all my years of morning, May you make me glad....

¹⁶ May your deeds be shown to your servants,
    your splendor to their children.

May I see what you are doing, My I see your hand at work in my life, not just go through the motions or be swayed by my days, but see Your hand at work even in my struggles... Your life,  Your miracles, even your Sustainence. Your splendor to my children. Wow, May my children see your beauty,your splendor, be amazed by you. Even if I did not know you as a child, although from 12, May my children know you and know you in the splendour of Your holiness!

¹⁷ May the favor^[b] of the Lord our God rest upon us;

Thank you Father that you have already been favoring me, but Lord, please continue to let Your Favor your face shine upon us. come let your favour rest upon us...

   establish the work of our hands for us—
    yes, establish the work of our hands.

Lord everything that I do, work, ministry, things that i work at establish it, establish the works of my hand.Make it fruitful. Help me in my work Lord. Need you Lord.