...

God, one day you must please explain to me why i desire affection from people who arent able to express that to me. i've been wondering today if this is how you felt when you were rejected. somehow i cant seem to think that could be so because i imagine you to be strong, with a healthy self image, who knew who He was. And my desiring affection from man is one of still growing in seeking acceptance in Christ only. And yet I've been also wondering why you wept when Lazarus died. When you knew that you would raise him. And I think today you are answering that for me, that despite knowing who you are and what you can do, you still have feelings. So perhaps you can relate to what I am feeling today.

It would be nice if people were happy to see me. But instead it's like it's hard for people to love me close up. At a distance, or even in another house maybe. Oops I'm sorry I dont mean love. I dont mean love. I mean the expression of love. Not the "You must know we love you". The smile, the courtesy, conversation? a willingness to work at and sort out issues? A hug so now and then that i dont ask for.

I know others have gone through so much worse than me, so why am i crying about this.
(oh here comes the song that got me thru some dark nights, I guess the timing means God is saying something- I dont have to cry anymore... You did that for me."

I'm also wondering if it was a good idea to put these words down, i dont want this honesty to lead to me believing things will never change, cause till now I've been hoping and hoping for change and I dont want to give up. Secondly. I know that our battle is not against flesh and blood so I dont want the enemy to widen the wedge..

Father your word has promised me a lot in terms of this situation... me and my family will be saved. Father, Love always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres...
And i definitely dont want this issues to pass on to the next generation.

So please Father will you continue to allow your spirit of reconciliation, love, forgiveness and perseverance work in this house in Jesus name

amen