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The cool thing about my blog is most people aren't really interested in what I have to say, or reading long things, or reading my long things, so I can blog and blog and blog and safely know (hopefully) no one is reading what I am writing. Of course I don't mind that people read (hence its online and not in some journal) but I do mind when people secretly read and never comment or say read this or that... Esp. if it's people I know...cause that just feels stalkerish...(so hey! let me know if u're reading). Well since no one is saying they are reading, I can nicely continue expressing what is really going on cause I need to get it out and there's no one to speak to....Cause really I can't keep it on the inside it is too much for me. And with friends well...

• Some give off impression own lives are perfect so if they not honest, hard for me to be.
• Some have their own issues so dont want to burden them, then if I say I will share regardless, can sense that I am just adding to their loads
• Some don't want to hear my problems and rightly so. Who wants to be friends with someone who always has issues! well generally i am with ppl who do have and who dont want to have them, but from what I have heard people say and how they act, generally world an christians dont want to be with ppl like that.
• I am being super negative and unfair because maybe there are some friends who do care, and yes I know i can count them on one hand. If the others do let me know. But again I know we're all going through stuff, so hey I'm not holding it against you I am just saying for me, I am alone in what I am going through! Not saying it's your fault or you need to be there.

I have issues and they don't just go away, especially if you want them away and willing to face whatever you need to face, then wisdom has shown that road is longer because it involves dealing with roots. I get that some people are more simple and less complex and can just go out and change themselves immediately upon hearing they need to change,but I am not that person, so I guess that is another issue!

So yeah I'm going through these things and I feel, very,very alone in it.

And am trying to pray in the midst of it and God has brought a bit of cheering through a little 2 year old from George who asked to speak to me on the phone. But the problem is still there, and it always has been and never seems to change. No matter what. And so people, leaders, psychologist, pastors will say. That means You need to change. Yeah, maybe but that doesnt make the things that happen to me right! And I'm running out of ways to handle it, hope, and I just want it to stop hitting me over the head and tramping on my feelings! And so if changing means, I must keep quiet, lay low, not let it get to me, then tell me how. Tell me how not to be hurt. Because really I'm not a sucker for pain! It does hurt! Maybe its because I am hoping this storm will stop! Maybe it's not ever going to stop but about me going through the storm. Then please give me wisdom on how i am suppsoed to think/feel when I'm drowning? I know the "right" thing to do, but how do u stop feeling like you're drowning while doing the right thing. Or when trying to do the right thing you get in so much more trouble!

So if it's me thats the problem, then how do I change that, then thats another problem on my list of problems.
If you hit me on my head am I not supposed to feel pain...No still feel pain?
Ok so then am I supposed to still feel pain and just become numb and surrender till I'm just a shell.
Why am I not allowd to say it hurts? Why am I not allowed to do something that prevents me from being hurt again?

God please help me. You're the only one that I can trust. I am hurting Big time at this moment. And I really don't know how to get over it, through it, around it,etc. I know Jesus went through worse please help that then breakthrough how I feel Lord.

Feels like everyone else world goes on and I'm just left to deal with the mess!

Lord help me. Fight for me, help me do the "right" thing, if there is cause right now I also feel like a terrible sinner!