Supper Tonight

No time to type ingredients now,but food includes:

Mince Dish: mince, spaghetti, carrots, cabbage, mixed herb, rajah curry powder,bistos sauce, barbecue spice.
potato dish: feta, white sauce, potato, herb&garlic, pepper
smoortjie: onion, tomato, mushroom, sweet chilli sauce, herb&garlic

Psalm 23 meditation...

Started with Psalms again yesterday, a day after where I stopped last year, so I can still finish by August :)

Just a year later... These are my thoughts as I go along... (may add previous books as I go over it again...)

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd,

I always say I'm not a sheep, or people are like sheep, but I think what this verse is trying to say is that we are sheep, it's not that we are not, but it's who we are following. And the shepherd is the Lord, the one I follow. As a sheep I humbly, eagerly follow the voice and Leading of the Lord who is my shepherd, the one who looks after me, tends me, leads me, is responsible for me (and as it says in John 10 would give his life for me...)

I shall not be in want

Yep, since learning about Mammon, the spirit behind mammon trying to control us, this scripture is saying stop being desperate, its not saying dont have a desire, but dont be in want, don't be saying I need this or else I dont know...God is the one looking after you, you have everything you need, if you dont have something it's either because it's not your time, or you havent spoken to God about it, but basically the only thing that we should be desperate about is God. So I will and shall not be in want, because The Lord is my shepherd. May this sink in so we live it out.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul

Instead of being anxious and frantic about something, He makes you lie down, in green (Western Cape Green, lol) pastures... He slows us down...Wow. Think about it, Look at our God. He cares, in fact think about it too if you are a sheep, Green pastures is somewhere you want to be, so whether this means he takes you to the things you desire too or just that he brings peace, so you can just rest, He is leading you and where he is leading you is Good and good for you... He doesn't not care, but has his own way of doing things, he leads you beside quiet waters...I hear that quiet waters almost said softly. Try and think about the sound of a stream or a little trinkling of a fountain at a mountain hike...or just a river...quiet waters... He takes you along side that...and restores your soul. Man so many times our souls are like the waters where the waves are at their highest threatening to sink our boats...God knows that, and when you are thinking like that or caught up in your emotions you need to be lead beside quiet waters and laid down in green pastures. Also the waters sometimes refer to the Holy Spirit... And even it says deep inside us streams of living water flows. Lastly He restores our soul. Note, it's He and sometimes we need to allow him to quieten us so He can restore our soul. We run from here to there, to try and get peace...Only he can restore our soul, but the awesome thing to me is the way he does, by leading us through places that will bring peace and rest.

He guides me in paths of righteousness

Woh, Normally I speed read this scripture, but now I'm seeing, once again HE, guides me...He does it, He shows us how, He leads us, so where should we look and who should we follow if we want to be more Holy...HE. And He will guide you in those paths of righteousness, leading you to being in rightstanding with God, blameless and an example...

for his name's sake.

Lately God has been speaking about this to me, for His name's sake, for His glory. Doing my best in life because whatever I do brings glory to his name. If people know I am christian yet my life is messed up, sometimes they do think what kind of a God is that...I understand I cannot fix myself, and sometimes circumstances do lead to that. but this scripture is saynig that God will lead you to be the person he wanted you to be, not just so you can be holy but because it brings glory to his name, when we walk in righteousness, when we win our struggles, when we succeed in life and give honour to him to who it's due...Everything even our breathing or the birth of our children, our our marriages, are a picture of the faithfulness and awesomeness of God and his plan for us, and as we follow him letting him guide us into us being more righteous hectic hey, it brings Glory to His name, for His name's sake...

Future Guy Thoughts....

Chatting to a guy friend who has very opposite beliefs to me and who thinks I'm very complicated which I am, but also who wouldnt understand the layers of experiences,teachings, beliefs, wrong teachings, fears, desires and opinions that I do have and that's ok.

However as to me being fussy, or not wanting to settle, which can also be too complicated and that is why things are not working out...

The Truth is? I meet awesome guys all the time, I meet and get along with God fearing, gorgeous ;) (sorry that fitted in poetically) talented, deep, unique guys all the time, who tend to relate to me well become my friend, sometimes share alot with me but thats about it...If there is any spark on their side, they have never said anything, and from my side I occasionally wonder if its' just me that sees the beauty in people or why it is that every guy I have met in almost 10 years of singleness that definitely met alot of standards etc... was never the one...

and the conclusion I come to is... that because I am a one of kind person, it cannot be every guy who comes along. there is a one of a kind guy out there for me, and though occasionally the puzzle almost seems to fit, there is only one who is made, created, designed for me, thats why everyone else just doesnt quite make it.

Secondly...I believe these guys were placed in my life so I could get used to being treated like a queen. My friends treat me like a lady, not because they like me in that way, not because they are trying to impress me, but because of who they are and who they believe I am, they believe ladies should be treated with respect and will treat them that way. Before these guy friends, I have taken alot of crap (sorry to phrase it that way) and it took a lot of healing and then I believe the example of my guy friends, to raise the bar to what God really thinks I deserve.

Maybe I am too complicated, maybe i am letting opportunities pass, sometimes i wonder if I should be throwing myself at the people I like,the way I've seen some ladies, even christian ladies do? sometimes I wonder if I do too good a job of hiding how I really feel...and wonder if I should show a little more. Sometimes I wonder esp, when I see people making choices instead of waiting for God to develop things, if I'm just having pipe dreams. Ok I think I wonder those things for a split second,but then I think I'd rather believe in pipe dreams, than take second best. My past is a series of I couldnt wait and settled. I now know a God who has taken his time to love me into the way I should have originally been in fact has made me even more beautiful, I have seen miracles and healing and opportunities evolve over time... I have seen him build me up over time, So why would love be different.

I would want it sooner rather than later, believe me there are many people reminding me that I am almost 30...But in the same way I dont get married to get divorced, and I dont want to get what I want, but not whats meant for me and then it ends anyway...I've had alot of endings, and I suppose there will only be one happily ever after and that is only found within living Gods purpose.

Does this mean I'm never lonely? No. But God is a good Father, and I'm choosing to trust Him. I guess that is the only safe place anyway, Single or married, in life or in work, in family, home, our countries, in war or peace, the only surety we have is a Faithful God. We have our off days, but he is even faithful to bring reminders...

I will say Lord bring him soon :) but more than what I want I want what you want Lord.

Beautiful love or God song...

Alanis Morissette
Head Over Feet

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like Im a princess
Im not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

(chorus)
Youve already won me over in spite of me
Dont be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Dont be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldnt help it
Its all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
Youre so much braver than I gave you credit for
Thats not lip service

(repeat chorus)

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

Youre the best listener that Ive ever met
Youre my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

Ive never felt this healthy before
Ive never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

(repeat chorus)

The Coloured Identity :)

Ok, so after being told I am black from a non South African and trying to explain for the 100th time I thought I'd blog about it. Also I get flack sometimes about the fact that I use the white coloured black words, and why am I so colour orientated... So I'm going to use this blog to answer some of those questions...Or attempt to. And maybe get more flack? But it's ok...

1) Colour Orientatedness? Or Culture orientatedness...

People hear me saying black, white coloured, but to be honest in the past 2 or 3 years because of changing environments I have been exposed to having more "black"/african/"insert whatever politically correct term" friends. By friends I don't mean collegues or people you greet and chat to in class, but people who I dine with hang out with go out with, bring home, etc. And that and reading Long Walk to Freedom has opened my eyes to a culture I did not really know.

Or maybe I should give you a bit of background to how I eventually began mixing with other colours/cultures,etc...

No.1 I was born in the Apartheid era, Yes, I was young, but I recall tear gas thrown by the police at the highschool next to my primary school. I recall asking my mother what ANC is and she saying it's a PARTY (and me thinking its a celebration. I recall going to shoprite and white boy saying "Hallo Tannie, Kan ek net vir jou iets vra" (Hello Auntie, Can I ask you something?) and My mom being shocked that he called her Tannie and not some other degoratory term but the very term he would use out of respect for another white older lady... I remember when the beaches where we camped December holidays was opened to all colours and how different the beaches were and the topless white ladies, and making a white friend and my parents being shocked, but somehow us kids didnt entirely understand. At that stage and to this day we live in the part of my town Kuils River which is 98% or more Coloured, and maybe 2% Black, 1% White, I went from the age of 5 to 12 to a school that was only coloured people. I recall us being a bit afraid (not fear but more unsettled?)when we heard schools were going to be open to people of all colours, then at 12 changing to a private school that was mixed even before the law allowed for all schools to be mixed, so at that stage I was mostly exposed to white South Africans...I recall one girl not really wanting to talk to me, becuase she also came from a white only school the previous year but in our last year of highschool we became so tight that that lasted for many years till she emigrated.I went to a Model C highschool in 1994 after that and the first guy to ask me out was white. We saw colour, but somehow us as teens didnt let that stop us from mixing, dating, Or I guess it depended on person to person. I went overseas Romania that year with my previous Christian primary school to do missions work and the church there saying they would pray for us for our Country and me not really understanding the significance of 1994 even though I was 14 and also I recall singing songs at the christian school like " We lift up our eyes, above the trouble, in our land, and together we stand, and declare that You are king. In times like these we choose to praise you, for it's you it's you who really matters, you are worthy of all praise...." and that being one of my favourite songs and only realising now recently when reading history, old articles that many people were fearing Civil War with the release of Nelson Mandela from Jail... In Romania, people would stop and stare amazed at my dark of complexion friend and at one school the students said when the 4 of us non whites weren't in the room, "We didnt realise there were so many Zulu's in your school" and when they told us afterwards we were shocked, because they thought we were black and Zulu. So in some sense we were still rascist then...I did grow up believing blond was more beautiful, it was absolutely normal for a class full of brown kids to colour their pictures in "skinny colour" which was a peachy colour and make our drawings blonde. At 16 I changed schools again to my area's local highschool, 98% coloured poorish highschool, and we had one black girl in our class who hardly spoke to us, and we were not rascist or not trying to interact with her, she was invited to all parties etc. But looking back now we see her quietness could have come from a mixture of being quiet and being the only black person in a loud in your face coloured class...in that era when it was not yet normal. Anyway so from 16 - 18 I'm at a school that is farely mainly one culture, and the university's and colleges we were exposed to were also largely coloured universities, so I decided that I want to study at Cape Technickon cause I want a mix of people and cultures... In between I had one or 2 white friends from my part time jobs but never really any black friends. And from 1999 I studied and Cape Technikon. Being there expanded the variety of friends, however I observed too that it had to come from me,and so now I had class mates but thats as far as the relationship went.Or maybe more with the black side of my friends, I generally hung out with my friends who were my friends from 5, 6 years old, and I did see one or 2 white guys at my campus, but my world was still very sheltered, my knowledge of the black culture was limited to knowing 2 years of school Xhosa and my observation of the people in the train or the foreign DRC guys hanging on the station, really limited.

What changed this? Joining His People Church. A multiethnic church... Hanging worshipping, growing with people of all colours and for a lot of people I met colour didnt matter and I know that when I get to know people for who they really are I dont see colour either, but at this stage I was still challenged in my heart because yes our church is multiethnic but have any of us gone to each others homes, eat or experience their lives the way they live it. I had a friend who I've never heard speak any other language but English and when I asked him, what languages he speaks most he answered "Tswana, Afrikaans then English" How was it that you could be friends with someone for like 5 years and never get to know them for who they are most of the time.

On a Sunday it was rainbow nation,but generally everyones friendship groups outside of church was the same as their culture, colour. This used to be something that I saw and didnt agree with but at the same time I asked myself how am I living out what I am having a problem with.

Eventually through ministry I've been to the homes of some of my friends and even youth members, however it was still limited. Last year I began to meet alot of students and began to be exposed to Tswana, Pedi, Tsonga, Zim Shona, Vendan, etc.. Students... I started to read Long Walk to Freedom and just from the description of the culture and just pride in His people, I began to see a different world. I began to see the myriad of cultures, languages, etc, Yet love for their people and traditions. For me as a coloured especially through the book I understood why there is this constant fight between white and black which is not necessary but I see why, It's 2 people with rich heritage and pride and identity saying hey "I have the right to be here...and I know who I am and I am not any less than anyone else, in fact I love who I am". This was not something I knew or saw before.

The Coloured People do not have this same sense of identity - however I will get to what I believe we do have- but sufficed to say, there is alot of living like a "bastard" illigimate race, need to prove ourselves, never satisfied, always blaming someone else, unhappy with our looks, taking an identity in facial and hair features, music and domino's and alcohol at times even instead of in our heritage... But in my black and white friends I have seen confidence and a strong sense of identity.

The more black friends I have had and got to know and allowed me to ask questions and at first hesitantly experience their world, (this is because I am a fussy eater and this year I decided to just get over it and try pap and even mopani worms), It has also made me begin to ask who am I, what is it about me, my african, my coloured, my south African, My family heritage that makes me who I am, what is there that I can be proud of. Not to make war or say that I am better than anybody, but to say hey, this is me,this is where I come from, this is my part in the bigger scheme of things...

This questioning and thinking was influenced by I think the above and 3 other events/people. Going to Australia, no. 1 where I expected to see many coloured South Africans, only instead to have random strangers come and subtely try and stare at me trying to figure our where I'm from... Man I thought it would be obvious, but instead the Australians and other people at Hillsong Conference in Sydney had seen black, and white, but they did not see brown, looking muslim, yet not having the straight hair to go with it, yet having light eyes that etc.etc... I enjoyed answering the question in both Australia and Malaysia of "Where are you from?" with "Where do you think I'm from?". Generally the answer was Brazil or Saudi Arabia never Africa/South Africa...I got this just 2 days ago to from a South African Black girl? "Am I coloured Coloured? Me laughing and asking what does she mean? what could I be instead and her answer again I look Brazillian. Well I met a Brazillian missionary who also learnt Afrikaans in one or 2 months cause he said Cape Town feels like home to him it was just easy for him to slot in and relate. But yes, to Australia we packed in our rollers and blowdryers so we could keep our hair straight, but at a conference of 40 000 international straight haired people,I too for the first time said wow, my hair curls and wore it like that whole week. where year, if you wear your hair the natural wet look curly hair, it just means you were lazy...not to straighten your hair, that is in my culture.It is slowly beginning to change. So overseas I appreciated my uniques, and also began to realise we as South Africans have an African Friendly...And when you go over and you hear another country has friendly people and you're expecting African warmth...you will be sorely dissapointed. I guess its the same way my friends from African countries feel when they come here and dont get the same reception like in their countries...But I will still maintain we are way more friendly than our American and Australian counterparts (however it's not a competition, just and observation).

So that is part of it. The other was a sermon by a coloured pastor who married a vendan lady and faced all the potential things that surround multicultural marriages. Anyway in his message he preached about how if we as coloured embrace our heritage, which is a mix of Black and White, in us embracing that we have the solution for the unity of white and black. Instead of saying "I hate whites" or "those black people!" and not realising that you are insulting yourself,because my colouredness is because of the union of those 2 nations, whatever the reason, marriage, rape, in our blood are both nations, by embracing that and even finding out more about our roots, we begin to understand the other cultures and can even be the ones who bridge the gap between white and black (which I have to say is true...there's been no problem for me to go and visit my white afrikaans friend and completely relate to her culture and stories, and now beginning to learn more and laugh with at my black friends stories, but one does not often see the white afrikaner and the black xhosa person also hang out in that way unless it's because of work, or they have both adopted this new no culture...)... Of course I'm generalizign. I know there are some people who do not fit the above statement and I can hear them saying it's not say...but look around. Go to the malls, What do you see? All my friends from other countries ask the same questions? So lets remove our blinkers and see things for what they really are and then try and do something about it. The third influence was befriending my Xhosa friend who also answered some question,makes a point of including Xhosa words in her sentences and it was because of her that I coined the phrase "Discovering my Africaninity" (mmmmm thought I blogged about this before but couldnt find it" But had a revelation the old black ladies in the passage could be somehow related to me... Even though the lady looks extremely frustratedly back at me, it was just a new relevation.

As a coloured, I have record of my white roots, but not really my black roots. My grandmother's grandfather was a white Englishman who came to South Africa with his brother in the early 1800's, his brother married white, but Jesse Clarke, married a "baster vrou" as my grandmother put it who was a mixed woman. So in 1800's he already married a mixed woman its just too difficult to go back that far. I always ask my friends though if they can perhaps see by looking at me which tribe I could have come from :).

So yes maybe at some point in the past to call me black I would have taken offence because in my view then coloured was better and the ideal everyone wanted was lighter skin, straighter hair...Some people in my communities still live like that the girl with the green eyes still gets the guy.But today that is not the case anymore. The case today is who am I and where I come from and for me to say you're black just because I'm not white means that stuff my cultural heritage we merely see a non white skin colour, and no. 2 it just means you're still putting white on that pedastal because why is it white and everyone else is black and not, I'm white, i'm brown, or chinese, or whatever culture I am. When I say I'm not black to anyone non coloured, the assumption is everytime that it's becuase i dont want to be associated with black people. That is not true. This blood in my veins is made up from black and white. And I am proud of that. I am amazed that as a coloured person we are seen as another "tribe" which in a sense we are yet, my one coloured friend could be made up of black + white, another white + khoi khoi + indian, another malaysian + khoi khoi. etc.etc...It's a mengel moes! A mixture of people of 3 continents and if you look at my family and friends, you can see that. I've known twins where the one sister was darkhaired darkeyed, darkskinned, and the other blonde, blue eyed, light skinned. Now someone would say does this matter and i would say Yes and No. No I am not saying your eyecolour, skin colour, hair colour makes you better than anything, but at the same time in discovering my heritage it's pretty exciting to find out you are the result of 2 nations saying Heck lets get married, or not really having a 100% surety of how your children will look as they are mixed. That As people start to cross the colour lines, the way I look is just an expression of a mix of colours. By Saying I am just one or another you are denying the fullness of who I am, or who your descendants may be should you decide to not marry that Tshwana lady, or Portugese,etc... My heritage is not just a look, but a culture, a colour, a tribe of mixed blood, a not really knowing where I am coming from...And lastly I really cannot lay the same claim to being black as My very proud, (as in dignity proud, not as in the sin proud), very unique, knowing who they are and where they come from and their families,etc.etc... I cannot say the same about my black half, which is unfortunately due to the black side of history not really being recorded...etc...) Also if black, white, etc...who I am is based on a skin colour, are my cousins white am I black, though we come from the same family? (see previous blogs). What colour is my child if they do come out light with light eyes and light hair. You see? We are not just how we look?

Oh another point from my non South african friends...in South African african culture, the father determines the race. So what happened in our history which is where African black people originate that sometime in history 2 people got together whether by choice or by force, but the resulting baby was called not black by the black nation, and not white by the white nation, and this resulted in coloured, people of mixed heritage living with each other and marrying each other and this was more than just white and black mixing but also the Khoi Khoi Bushman, Local African people, English, Dutch, German, Portugese, then Indonesian, Malaysian, slaves, and I think slaves from further up Africa mixed with... There may be more but this is it for now. I like the way http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coloured says "Genetic studies suggest the group has the highest levels mixed ancestry in the world" We are everybody!

also "The imperial and apartheid governments categorized them as Coloureds. In addition, other ethnic groups also traditionally viewed them as a separate group."

also the "The so-called "Cape-colored" population of South Africa has highest levels of mixed ancestry on the globe, a blend of African, European, East Asian and South Indian, Tishkoff said." :)http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30502963/

Ok so what is coloured to me? in answer to the original colour. It is in the South African context a racial group that was named by the apartheid government, though in Long Walk to Freedom Nelson Mandela mentions coloured people and that they were different even before the apartheid. It is a people of mixed heritage, who yes are generally brown in colour although that is not a given coloured people can look like anybody, from black to white, to chinese to mauri...

Leaving TSF and Getting a New Job

***Leaving TSF...***

To the Most of Everybody...

By now you may or may not have heard God has decided that this little bird has to get out of the nest (the shuttleworth foundation) and begin to fly... From 1 March, unless get a job before that), I will not be employed by the Foundation anymore therefore, this old faithful e-mail address will no longer be used by me... I have therefore decided to give you all my newly created gmail address, so you can start mailing me there :)

For those that I haven't seen or spoken to or read:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year...

God bless!
Chan

***GOT THE JOB!!!***

Hey people, got the job!!!

"NOTHING CAN STOP THE FAVOUR OF THE LORD! IT'S UNSTOPPABLE" -Israel...

My scripture for the day:

Psalm 44:3

It was not by their sword that they won the land,
nor did their arm bring them victory;
it was your right hand, your arm,
and the light of your face, for you loved them.

Thank God that the light of His face was shining on me!!!

They 50% of my medical, I get petrol allowance, they want to grow me into a managerial position of the department... If I want training I get it. They're going to put an internet ADSL line to my house in the rare event of me having to work from home... Also the guy who I work with has been there many years and doesn't really like going to clients, so I will be going to clients, yeah... In the Western Cape and outside of it...

Ok... so for those who are wondering what's going on? Basically my current work isn't renewing my contract. This forced me to face my fears, trust God and apply for new jobs... The first job I applied for, got an interview Friday, the MD forwarded my details to another department for another position. I went for that interview today. She called me back about 30 min ago to say I've got the job. Praise God!

New challenges, I need to be able to influence the people around me to do the job better...

This is funny: I asked the lady how the other candidates did. She said the one didn't pitch and the other came late...(It's amazing I didn't, well I'm growing!)

Also, it's a technical job and they didn't ask me a single technical question!

Anyway back to work...

God bless! Trust God!

Chan

***Great advice from my previous manager at TSF,***

Wow, that sounds like quite a challenge. If I can give you any advice, it's simply step up to the plate. This isn't the time to sit back and wait for people to tell you what to do and how to do it. Remember Thomas' first law of employment - if someone else manages to tell you what to do in your new job and how to do, they probably didn't need to hire you in the first place. Companies generally have problems, they hire people to solve those problems. Great people realise intuitively what needs to be done and make it happen. Bad people wait for someone to tell them. So once again, step up to the plate. -TSB

He was also the one who spoke to me first about Tipping Point and who told me that at TSF they may not always praise me (not getting the right word) not because I havent done things praiseworthy things, but at this work they hired us because they believe in us so we're just doing what they expected of us anyway...They expected the best. He also said I shouldnt take everything everyone says, even him his boss...

I also had other great managers and collegues at that work who really went out of their way to prepare me for my new job.

New Memory Section

Been going through old e-mails and these are too good to just not be shared... Alot happens in 3 years

The one thing I do have...

I may not have it all figured out, in fact the closer you come to me you realise just how much I dont know about life, about my own life, etc...but the one thing I do have is Jesus... And I've seen in trusting him the times I did with all my heart, those were the times there was no confusion and major doors and determining factors were opened up to me.

I may not have money right now, in fact all I have is 0 in my accounts and one minus, and most of the time when I do actually go out it's on the blessing of a friend, and it really takes getting used to cause I find myself calculating how much I earned in the 4 years that I worked and if only I had saved that money, but the one thing I do have is Jesus and since having him I always have what I need, even if the money comes through in the 11th hour, God has been pretty faithful, and I guess he is now teaching me to be faithful in the little...(and not freak out when you dont know how you going to pay for this and that)

I may not have a "carlos" now, and may not have had anyone significent for going on 9 years now, and even though people may say just hang in there, you sometimes like Geez God was I so messed up that its going on 10 years of fixing me? (thats on the bad day), because most days I'm aware the one thing I do have is Jesus... (see my previous poem Gentleman for what I think he thinks about me) and he really is more than enough and really sometimes surpises me in the funniest ways with his love and about the long time, when I look back at each year the issues I've conquered, i can only say I am glad that those things are sorted and not a part of my life anymore, so am grateful to being made complete and grateful for having his love and yes part of me sometimes wants more, but I do have Jesus :)! and that really is enough!

I may not be ministering right now, or knowing exactly where I fit in the body of Christ in the scheme of things, and on some days being a sitting duck when it seems everyone is running around does seem like hey did I hear right? But the one thing I do have is Jesus...And in this time of taking a step back I could once again begin to hear him and am grateful that he speaks, it's not always the exact hey God where are you taking me answers that I want, but I've learnt that he sometimes holds back in giving us the end destination so we don't run ahead without him.

I may not always be organized, self confident, hey even happy, or exactly how people think a Christian should be (hey in that case a lady, a student, a coloured, etc.etc...) but the one thing I do have is Jesus...And the best thing he told me recently is that He thinks I'm ok, so I dont have to stand at the door and watch others dance and enjoy him and think hey I first have to fix this and that, but my God thinks I'm ok and because of that I know can just enjoy his presence and that is where I'm growing and find my boldness, discipline and joy that surpasses sorry....

There are more may nots and the one thing I have is Jesus...But for now this is all I'll leave you all with...

For those who dont have that one thing...I trust that you wouldnt just shut the door or go on what you've heard or your own opinion, but ask in your heart of hears this Jesus to reveal himself to you. I dont have to do any convincing. You just have to ask sincerely and he will show up in a way you would understand. May you find the one thing we loves hide and seek :) (there is a scripture that says the deep things are hidden so we will seek them out ->
A quote in a song -" It's the glory of God to hide, a matter... It's the glory of a king to search it out....I wanna search you out, I love the way you hide, so I can find you, I wanna search you out" - this is not the only place I read this, but this is what i recently listened to)

For those who do have that one thing, I pray that that one thing will be more important than all the other things we have in life... for that one thing is the reason why we are all hear and only in that one thing do we have life...

John 1:3-4 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men.

And I know it's not always easy to maintain the balance in life, or even in our heads! but let us try.

Psalm 27
4 One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.

Some people know this yet dont see the sense of it...I dont know...In my case its this very one thing that gets me up and going again, even when I want out. Its the beauty of the Lord that is my life and my light in the midst of the darkness. I too have to fight to keep that one thing the one thing, in fact maybe alot of times other things win over, but this is my desire, what I seek that God would be the one that I dwell with and I thank him that from his side, nothing can seperate me from that love for as long as I live, to all who have received him, we become his children

John 1:12 Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God

oooooh :)

I am just lately enjoying the love of God and his enjoyment of me...

Also he has been teaching me some new things, and really just guiding and leading me...prophetically and some centred around ISAIAH 43...

I dont have time to blog all now as I have to hand in a project...

But just thought I'd add this there and a Misty Edwards quote:

"Cause I'm in love with God and God's inlove with me, this is who I am and this is who I'll be and that settles it completely!"

On my hand is written The Lord's based in Isaiah 43...

Well I have to go now but I hope that whoever you are reading this even if it is me again in a couple of years, Or my childrens children, I just want you to know...

GOD IS FAITHFUL. HE IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS AND WILL NEVER FORSAKE YOU even if you leave him. If he feels far we sometimes just have to quieten ourselves...

Amen!