An Artist of the Heart

I feel like an artist without any art.

I have always said I’m a worshipper, but never joined the worship teams…

I have seen many artists identify themselves by their craft, their talent, "I’m a dancer, I’m a singer, I’m an artist…" This has made me stand at a distance, where I read all the books, identify with the lessons, but never join the team. For if art is based on skill, I’m not sure if mine is simply undeveloped, and somehow I don’t believe that  in developing that I am becoming an artist (in terms of skill still). I believe I already am an artist, and in developing there is the joy of manifesting the idea, the thought, the heart… But the level of skill and amount of followers, or talent is not the goal. Or as my pastor says about something else, "its not the end, just a means to the end." I am Chandré, I see beauty, I dream of creating and adding, but what I do is not who I am, but flows out of who I am.

Art is a way of seeing, not only the fruit thereof.

Maybe it is both, and for now I am still only seeing?

Today, I listened to a talk by one of my favourite Singers, Sara Groves… (find it on Sound Cloud – a talk at Woodland Hills Church). She mentioned that artists are contemplative, and when Sandy Hooks occurred, in a christian community they had a moment of silence, but then went on with life, but as an artist, for her she felt there is more, she felt it, she felt the fibre of society change, and how can we do more, or respond to this? She then gathered her artists friends, and they planned an event at Arthouse North. What came out of that was really touching and really honouring,  as she said even though it wasn’t the intention it ended up being a memorial to what happened. As I listened, to her speaking, I could relate, this is how I think too… But would I have showed up… with what talent? And yet, I am an artist, I see beauty, I long to respond, I want to pause…

I once told my friend regarding a certain love interest “I’m an artist of the heart, once I see the beauty of someone it is hard to unsee it…”

I think that phrase qualifies me to join the broader art community. My style…?

An artist of the heart ;)

July Journey Thoughts – Midway – And I just showed up for my own life… #ramblings

So I was posting on Google Plus about where I’m at in terms of Success and Living up to my full potential and the last post was lyrics of a song that really inspires me and that I tend to sing to people on their birthdays, and then realised in being about to post about this and feedback on the years dreams that It is my birthday month… So I am just showing up for my own life… Maybe this is the season of things changing in this regard…

So this post will be a rambling of success, dreams, challenges, in terms of 2015 and my life…

So 2015 begins with me saying the goal/extra thing this year is Dance/The Body… (having done Portuguese Lessons in 2014, and art classes in 2013). I find out about this 6 week lose your weight and get your money back program and I decide maybe I should do that first before doing dance lessons at the heavy weight that I am at. Get fit, and feel better and more energised to dance! The course was amazing, I did struggle with cheating in the weekends, and enjoyed my trainer, the variety, the fact that 3 weeks in I was doing things faster, etc… Some memorable moments was losing 1 kilo in the first week (normally I lose more in a go but this time I felt excited because I worked hard to get there), I totally enjoyed being up early and making smoothies, even making a cottage cheese and banana one :) High Knees! And the day I sent the gym a mail saying, ” I’m eating my 5 meals a day” and I’m still hungry! What am I doing wrong!” And he says “No you’re doing something right, your metabolism has increased!!!” Wow when last did that happen!  But then the “arthritis” kicked in on days, and then one night I couldn’t sleep all night because of stomach pain and realised the exercise just brought to surface a problem I had not really noticed in my stomach before, but has been around for a while…  This could be why the nurse suggested I have my esophagus checked out when I was complaining about not being able to take my tablets. In the last week while on acid reflux tablets to rule that out as an option, I sleep wrong and my neck spasms and that took a while to be back to normal… At this stage I still have not gotten back to the gym with an update since…. It took me a while to get over the disappointment of why when you take a step in the right direction, it backfires on me, but when I opened up to God in those moments of pain…boy was He there! I was learning how to hang on him…

Let me say though it is 1 YEAR since I am off Pain Meds for Arthritis!!!YAY!!! Thank you Jesus!!!! Had a knee pain the other night and I just attempted to sleep, knowing sleep has been healing me too! I am trying not to let my body look to a pain tablet for healing so didnt take arthrexin or coxflam though it would have eased the pain…

More recently/ or shall I be more specific and say Last Thursday I went to a Salsa class, and woh did I learn alot not just about dancing, but as I always wanted to about life through the dance… We say all the time that Jazzing makes Salsa easy, but Jazzing for years with other females, doesn’t teach you to be led, to feel the dance… In one lesson with at least ten other partners, I learnt how to have connection with your partner through your hands, but then also to be led, but also to keep a firm grip, and also not do my own thing, or when I do my own thing, I must remember I am dancing with another person! And the different men were all different, in my memory is still this older guy who looks spanish or something with the intense looking straight in my eyes…  So we learnt that we should push towards each other in our hands and then that will end up being a 50 % kinda hold not  but always pushing towards, so then you have a sense of the connection… Sometime in one of the turns too I didnt hold the guys hand fully and in the turn I slipped out, which was also something he said… Sunday when dancing with God in my heart through worshipping him that thought came, about where am I at, feeling the connection do I need to push more, etc… and keeping a firm grip, even in the turns of life! And also at one point I imagined Jesus looking straight into my eyes…I cannot explain this too much more with words, but I know as I dance more I will get greater revelation of me and him, or me and life… It was easy to let go in the muchacha(?) part of the lesson….

So last year when someone asked me what is my dream and what do I do for fun, I cried when he was gone, I’m friendless and dreamless, then a sermon by that very same guy on the Lifecycle of a dream, made me realise learning Portuguese, isnt as insignificant as it seems, The lifecycle of a dream begins with an idea that will just not go away.., And so as you step into that you begin to see!!! Also in the beginning of the year when a friend told me her dreams I also felt like AAAAH I am so far from where everyone else is in their life… And that made me step out on the the tiny ideas… but this year I have just been bumping into people who are doing what I dreamed to do, and reading blogs like A Beautiful Mess and getting soooo inspired and realising more and more when am I going to live up to my potential… And so if you are getting naar at others dreams  not because you jealous but because you realise that until you start doing what is inside of you, you are always going to be frustrated, it reminded me of this veeerrry inspiring quote in the beginning of the Element of Freedom by Alicia Keys cd…

And then the birthday Song I am always sharing with others…

“Just Showed Up For My Own Life” – Sara Groves

Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I’m standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I’m going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that’s honest and real until I’m truly amazed
I’m going to feel all my emotions
I’m going to look you in the eyes
I’m going to listen and hear until it’s finally clear and it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I’m standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I’m standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

So here’s to Freedom and being Fully Alive. Here’s to no more fear of man or myself and to potential being engaged. Thank you to the Lord for my annual celebration of grace! Thank you Lord too that July is a Turnaround Month for me!

Thank you Father for being the wind beneath my wings! As I fly into all that you have for me, eyes fixed on you. Lead me with your hands…May I look into your eyes and not be afraid…

In my Bubble

Richard Foster
Brian Zahnd
Dallas Williard
Desert Fathers
JI Packer
Brother Lawrence
Brother Andrew
Matt Redman
Jesus Culture
Bethel
Bill Johnson
Christian mysticism
Soaking
Todd Bentley
Revival
Journey of Grace
Freedom
Joy
Healing
Hope
Selflessness
Generousity
Honour.
More

On generational stuff and curses and and and ....

How many lies must we hear

How many lives will be stolen

How long will we let this fear

Paralyze the church

How long will these renters rule the earth

How many mothers must cry

How many children must die

How long will we just stand by

And watch a careless world

Teach our boys and girls their tyranny

God of land and sea

And the universe

Come deliver me

And every slave that lives upon the earth!

There is a new day coming and it won’t be long

There is a fire burning and a wind that’s strong

There is justice waiting for the child of God

And

It’ll all go down

It’ll all go down

It’ll all go down

Somehow
  Very Sure...

Everything That Can Be Shaken Will Be Shaken...

The Anchor Hope
The wisdom Of The Cross

- Justice Waiting - Jason Upton - 1200 ft Below Sea Level

I'm not constantly fixated on spiritual warefare, but their have been seasons that I've studied and applied and seen the truths, and times that I've had to be aware. This is one of those times.

While I'm not praying renounciation prayers every day or even every year, and I'm learning to be more focused on God's promises, the alternative of just pretending that nothing has consequences, and if you don't think of something it won't affect you is not true either...

The truth is people are being taken out by the devil, lies, and ignorance, and it's not God's fault or God just trying to teach us something. Often times there is grace, and there is light, there are signposts despite our ignorance, but claiming ignorance doesn't prevent certain situations, just as prayer for things that aren't relevant can bear fruit.

I'd rather err on bringing things before the Lord that I see, and asking and praying His will, than just allow situations to take me wherever they want.

Now my personal issue is that I'm not always taking the time to be serious and pray, or always seeing that things are an issue, but what I'm kinda addressing here is denial...

I'm not either saying there is a demon behind every doorpost, or that every action does always have a reaction. I believe there is grace, and I believe certain things have a certain impact on individuals...

But in light of recent events, where one sees a pattern, and an injustice! I ask the question why? And could this have been prevented, and I cut it off on my own life...

I also think about my grandma, where my mom and aunts have prayed for years that she would die in dignity and not in long pain or where they have to clean and wash her, when she was such an independant woman. She then did die at 81, quick, suddenly, she just had a pain earlier the day, and was up chatting till late, then collapsed in that moment. I think years of prayers gave grace for it to happen that way...

I do think we can die prematurely, I do think we can fall into situations that are bigger than us, and it takes wisdom to say Lord, what is happening from the outsiders looking in, as opposed to just saying that person made a wrong choice, or it doesn't affect us...

Even generationally, often times people will see a pattern and make a personal choice not to live that way, so when their children are born, they don't see the example the parents had,  and perhaps don't even know their grandparents, yet still the same temptations come their way and they fall... It is not always isolated.

I'm not saying all of this to say, things happen because we are cursed. I am saying this because I am saddened at "My people perish because of a lack of knowledge". I am saddened at people accepting disease because maybe God is teaching me a lesson... I'm saddened at how much God loves people and have a greater plan for them, yet  us just settling for the real world we see around us. I'm sad that pain, sickness, poverty, issues is a greater reality that the freedom promised in Christ.

And maybe even I am living from this place and not free yet....
And maybe I am passionate about this now in this blog, and then tomorrow I go back to the mundane

But for today I am aware, and reminded, to be sober minded, and to pray His promises in.

Lord I pray for your divine protection on my family and their family, whether they know it or not.

Lord I pray that what the enemy had planned will be turned around for the good of those who love the Lord.

I pray for comfort for my family members...

I pray for me and Alison and Joan, the last of my father's family line...

I pray for your heavenly protection on our lives!!! I pray for health, healing, salvation, deliverance, joy and freedom!

Lord I thank you for my Uncle knowing you, and the beauty of heaven for him! Joy Everlasting...

Amen

(and no the above is not only because of my Uncle's death's or people's questions, but a reflection on alot of things that occured this past time...)

I honestly don't have energy to personally study the spirit of jealousy/ victim spirit documents now.... But I am keeping my eyes open and including God in my life... in this season. Lead me Lord....

Love in the real sense of the world...

I have offered my heart countless times, even when I knew the risk, mainly because I'm not half hearted. This all or nothing me has not changed despite advice, trying to change, trying to not be. I'm still standing though. Because of an amazing God who somehow shields me despite my best attempts and prayers otherwise.

I can only hope that when the one who sticks around comes, that I will still have this soft trusting heart that I have. That I will still give my all and hope for the best!

I am coming to accept that people I think are amazing, and who have consistently shown they really are amazing, are maybe not for me. The thought of that occasionally brings a slight sadness, but there is still the glimmer of hope that maybe just maybe there is someone who is more than I can ask or imagine, as God promises... That his good and perfect will is what will make me glad, and that as amazing as some of the people seem, they do not compare to what lies ahead.

Its still hard because this artist of the heart always seem to capture beauty. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, how do I stop seeing? Because I see. Unintentionally. Unavoidably.

Or maybe it's not to stop seeing, but how I see and what conclusions I draw from what I see. I think I've hit the nail on the head there :)

But even that is hard. I try to be realistic, but sometimes hope remains. I try to remain objective, I try to pray things away... but the "Child" in me still hopes and dreams.

I'm not going to even claim to have the answer today. It probably is deep inside somewhere today just ranting and raving, that I still see, and I still love, iow respond to what I see. And while right now I am not seeing and loving, I hope that a day will come soon where seeing and loving is okay. And when that day comes I still see and love,even to a greater measure than before.

I'm ok though, this is not an emo post :) I really am happy in Christ and life is good and growing, Just pondering Love thoughts today :)

Waiting... :)

So I had this dream yesterday/this morning/somewhere in the night that just lifted a whole lot of a weight off my shoulders...

The previous day I asked for prayer from a colleague, because I had this question of what I want versus what God wants for me. What I think is amazing versus God who knows best. I always used to say I want what God wants, but recently I couldn't see that there could be better or that I want better... Then the thought of if I get what I want, what am I missing out on? Am I settling? I was a little unsettled after these thoughts, which then led to a little, I'm tired of being alone thoughts too, and just not being able to see in the future, when things will be better and how far from that I am, or if I will ever be ready, etc.etc. etc. (sigh...)

Then the dream...

I don't remember how, but this is what I remember and really believe God was ministering to me in my dream. Basically God reminded me of how the man searches for his wife, and the woman waits... And how my husband is searching and asking questions and hoping and looking, but God is hiding me from him because I am not ready. Because I am worrying, and even  then in a sense searching, instead of the position I should be in and in the process stressing myself out. So I wonder if person X is my future husband because he is amazing, and wonder how to deal with that, but then wonder what if person X is not my future husband and God gives him just because I couldn't wait and then I have person X and begin to see that it was my will not God's will or just wonder if I got him because I wanted him or if it's God's will. There is not much peace in me searching...

But in waiting, in trusting, in resting, in the knowledge of my Father's goodness, his perfect will, his ability to see how everything falls in place, and his ability to meet and even exceed our expectations! How beautiful to God is our waiting :) Our hope in the Lord. Our resting and confidence and security. God knows, God cares, God is busy right now at work, I can trust Him.I can lean on that, I can rest on his shoulder regarding that.

And as I stop searching, and rest and wait, which is my part, God is able to let my husband find me, and then when I have him I know it is God's best for me, even if it was person X, or not, and not my will :) And not just regarding this, but in everything, as I just put on FB:

My role as a daughter of the King is to wait...ie. Rest in Him, trusting my Father's ability to know my deepest needs and exceed my expectations. I can curl up against his chest and throw the worry out the window! God knows best. I rest in that.

Soaking song at the moment:

When I don't understand I will choose you,
When I don't understand I will choose you God,
When I don't understand I get to choose to love you God

For you are good, God
For you are good to me
For you are good, God
For you are good to me

The world...

I really should blog when I'm all fired all up. Now I have to sift through my memory the things that went through my head the last 3 days.

It started with me googling Grant's name and finding articles about Aaron Swartz, who recently commited suicide, but was internet progidy and activist. I read his blog and one of the things he said was so much like how I think....

"Sakichi Toyoda, the founder of the Toyota car company, developed a technique called “Five Why’s” for handling this. For example, sometimes a car would come off the Toyota production line and not start. Why? Well, imagine it was because the alternator belt had come loose. Most car companies would stop here and just fix the alternator belt. But Toyoda understood that was dodging the mistake — it would just lead it to come back again and again. So he insisted they keep asking “Why?”.

Why was the alternator belt loose? Because it hadn’t been put on correctly. Why? Because the person putting it on didn’t double-check to see if it had fit in correctly. Why? Because he was in too much of a hurry. Why? Because he had to walk all the way to the other side of the line to get the belts and by the time he got back he didn’t have enough time to double-check.
Aha! There, on the fifth why, we find the real cause of the mistake. And the solution is easy: move the box of alternator belts closer. But if we’d stopped at any earlier point (say, by just yelling at the alternator belt guy to always remember to double-check), we wouldn’t have actually fixed the problem. The same mistake would have happened again and again. Only by digging all the way to the root cause did we realize we needed to move the box of belts. The mistake pointed the way to the solution."

Then it went on to in depths discussions with my colleague about past stuff, thoughts, and eventually ended up with a discussion on world views... absolutes, if the world is better now than before....

And what really stood out for me from my discussion with him and the things I read, etc. is how what used to be normal or acceptable 50 years ago really stands out now, its actually abnormal, against the stream, etc.
E.g Purity. It shouldnt be a weird concept, but it is? And in my opinion, even more beautiful now, maybe 50 years ago it was forced on people, maybe there wasn't an option given so it had to be taken, but in a world where anything goes, or rather is encouraged, Purity sticks out like a sore thumb? Its not just one of the options it really is seen as foreign to the way everyone else thinks.

My conclusion was just that there were always people that thought against the stream, who did not see things the way everyone else did, we look back and call them heroes. What I believe may be completely opposite to the way the world is seeing things  at the moment, but it stands out like a sore thumb anad as I pursue what I passionately believe, I will make an impact.

Even if it looks like things are going one way, I believe there are always other streams of thinking, views, it may not be as loud, in some cases whisper, but God's values have always been interweaved in society too...

So from now on I continue to be moved from conviction instead of popular opinion, and though I may seem so different, I believe that I am making a difference, and somewhere someone is searching for truth, for trully truth and God's way is shining int he darkness!

Daily Grantisms.

Grant: I still don't understand why fast?

I explain fasting, why, denying flesh, to hear from God, maybe miss a meal, and spend time with God in that time instead, or if you are on your phone alot, maybe you may for a period not use your phone...

Grant: "Like Lent"

Me: Oh yes, you were anglican, yes Like Lent.

Grant: I gave up chocolates for Lent.

Me looks at Grant, a thousand questions in my eyes, and a bit of hope.

then he reminds me... He doesn't eat Chocolates.

Thankfulness... and last day of 2012

So on my second last day of 2012, (Sun 30 December) I was in the pit of all pits, after feeling for a while like my life is not making sense, and if this is a movie about my life you would not like the end of it. Was feeling lonely, aware of all my weaknesses, shortcomings and failures, and struggling to connect with God too...

Asked a friend to join me the night to pray, and another friend contacted me in the middle of me going through a slump, and so I said she should come over, she came over and we prayed, and this was the beginning of things changing. My mentor also invited me to join her in 2 days of thankfulness (with other things, not going to write on here till it's over) and she told me about Bill Johnson's book Strengthen yourself in the Lord, and I figured, he may have preached about gratitude in one of his strenght sermons that I have.
I found one, and it was all about worshipping God in the midst of the situation that you going through, and not for the situation, but for who He is. Not just worshiping when you have breakthru, but not for breakthrough too, but because he is worthy. Not because of who I am, but because of Who He is.

This made a lot of sense, because I was sulking and complaining because of my unworthiness... And the result was pushing me further away from God. So I started praising God, for who he is... And that has changed everything, I went to bed smiling, I woke up smiling...I am full of faith for the future and I am trusting. Thank You Lord. For who you are...

I don't know if I will make a thousand, but will begin on Some - inspired by: http://www.benijohnson.blogspot.com/2011/04/1000-things-to-be-thankful-for.html
Gonna go for 100 today (#ok will continue if I want to...)

I am thankful:

1. For who you are, Lord
2. For Your  faithfulness towards me
3. For Grace
4. For Judy
5. For Liz's intervention yesterday
6. For Maria and Aunty Jose
7. For my mom's consistant being there for me
8. For Danelle winning Miss Congeniality
9. For Nicole's gentleness and care
10. For my Father putting Christ first
11. For his health
12. For my Job
13. For a bonus
14. For new friends through my collegues
15. For Adolf and our friendship and sharing
16. For the great awesome birthday/christmas gifts got from him
17. For the joy of giving others presents, esp this year having money to give them
18. For the christmas party in Elsies
19. For the sweet children and that girl who said thank you so humbly
20. For Audrey's Mom's heartfelt prayer
21. For strength to keep giving
22. For provision to give
23. For being able to move out
24. For winetasting at Zevenwacht on Saturday
25. For chiprolls
26. For the 2 kilos I lost, for drinking water and walking and enjoying it
27. For grace to be more health concious
28. For awesome holy spirit and love of God times when East London team was here
29. For my dream being interpreted when Bethel team was here
30. For growing in spiritual warfare and deliverence when bethel was here
31. For learning about releasing healing and commanding sickness to Go
32. For awesome community in hop times
33. For Stephanie and Gershwin getting married
34. For funny moments and being able to laugh at it, e.g. mailing the whole work place
35. For seeing zebras mate and going on a game drive at Buffelsfontein
36. For Heidi
37. For prayertimes at work as collegues
38. For seeing Ruth and Sveva this year!
39. For new lifesaver friends, Vilana and Renaldo
40. For Vilana getting saved!
41. For some breakthrough for Ilze
42. For Ammy getting saved and adding to our lives, and God just constantly intervening
43. For being able to buy a monitor
44. For dealing with the mouse/or attempting to however hard it was
45. For learning to enjoy new foods, and buy my own cheese and stuff
46. For the specials and awesome christmas trimmings
47. For Ps Wolfgang from EN London's sermon reminding me about Jesus himself
48. For a change from night to day from yesterday to today
49. For the praise and joy in my heart
50. For awesome Bethel cd's, sermons, and meeting teams and being challenged in my own bedrooms
51. For praying more in tongues this year
52. For making stew and food I havent made before
53. For having at times all sorts of meet in my fridge
54. For Mcdonalds breakfasts
55. For going to Sun City and good family time
56. For grace in family relationships
57. For mom and dad transforming my place into a more livable place
58. For seeing God speak to me through dreams
59. For growing relationships with some people in Church, Ps bev, michael, etc
60. For breakthrough's in intimacy as a church
61. For Jenny Ah Chong's cd :)
62. For Jenn Johnsons passionate worship, Glimpse - Jason Upton, and Heaven invading Earth
63. For work not being too technical and being able to understand
64. For passing my ITIL despite all my procrastination
65. For God helping me have rythm at staff party
66. For healing a work relationship
67. For favour in workplace with people here and abroad
68. For Morrisons chocolate
69. For Italian chocolate Sveva came
70. For being able to serve, hang with Maria, Ruth and Debs mom, and taste pudim de leite
71. For beginning of year  awesome times with deborah and her being here when I got the job
72. For being able to attend Ruth and Herschel's wedding, and peaceful Mosselbay time
73. For going away for the first time for a weekend away with big group of friends (dont mean a holiday in the past)
74. For my hair finally coming right
75. For being asked to be a partner
76. For learning lots
77. For experiencing Your presence
78. For winning the chopping board
79. For provision in the little,e.g gifts like shower jel which comes handy.
80. For awesome gifts too from friends, wine glasses, etc...
81. For nice times with clayton, tania, sam and carlo and judy
82. For great times with Selina, liz, lezah, anthea, etc..
83. For being able to go and experience new places, Darling, Franschoek, Paarl
84. For random bored Sunday moments with Renaldo, Vilana, etc
85. For flying in the aeroplane and the girl I met
86. For health! No flu this year
87. For little signposts that I am where I am meant to be at work
88. For the night of the Lloyds at HOP
89. For my awesome birthday experience at surfside, the grace on the whole day, relationships, food, everything...
90. For good steak!
91. For improving family relationships
92. For the simple joy of watching a movie in my place
93. For the simple pleasures of entertaining people or taking people on a tour of Kuils River
94. For the nice time at Zevenwacht with Shaheen and Judy and connections there
95. For releasing alot of the past church hurt
96. For Nicole getting a better Job and Danelle's life moving in a positive direction in terms of career and her passions
97. For some breakthrough for Ronelle too and Shakita passing
98. For being able to go to Paul Manwaring conference
99. For christmas message, purpose heart being special
100. For freedom!
101. For psychology sessions, and little miracles there too! Marius Falk
102. For Tina Engel friendship and outings
103. For closerness with Jodie
104. For my extended family Boonzaaier and De Wet and all special moments with them
105. For seeing Ilze Brown and Brent and his 21st
106. Zevenwacht Wine Farm
107. Mom's birthday
108. Boxed Canvas specials

lessons, lessons, lessons, or mirrors....

I say mirrors, because I'm not sure if I am learning anything except discovery.

Alot of issues have surfaced recently, things I've been working on for years, and not conquered, but now they are beginning to impact daily life, and I don't even know where to begin to fix it.

I'm not sure if these are occuring becuase my crutches are causing my life to fall apart, or if they are surfacing cause this is the season to deal with it.

It's largely around perception, confidence, eloquence, self image, fear of man, dealing with things in wrong way, etc, etc, etc.

I am on a journey of knowing who I am in Christ. I am learning how to rest.

At the same time the issues around not knowing who I am, is impacting in my interactions with people, so I have to deal with it, but how, when and how quickly.

grrrrr. or rest.? was resting but then grrr... happened.

Lord please keep leading me.

Search me O God, and know my heart,
Test me and know my anxious thoughts
See if there is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting...
Psalm 139

Wise words from Valerie Anderson in 2010

Better to blog this old e-mail than to keep it among 12 000 emails.

Sent by Tarryn to us after Namrock in 2010 by Valerie Anderson:

On Namrock this year I really felt pressed to share this stuff and so did. I believe it was God. If it turns out to be vastly theologically incorrect then either I got it wrong or popular theology did. I'm willing to take the risk, because I really believe this to be true....

I think there are a lot of lies, misconceptions, and false teachings that have gone on about Marriage and Singleness and so am very excited about speaking truth and life into those areas. Here goes: (Bullet points are just two things I said before the main part.)

1. I know that what I am going to say is not for everyone and there are some of you who are going to be sitting there and getting frustrated that it's "that" topic again. I would like to ask you as a part of your worship tonight that you keep quiet and put up with it because there are a lot of people here who are really struggling with this issue and hurting a lot over it.

2. As we were sitting worshipping after communion I looked around and got a huge sense of loneliness. As I looked around at that group at Namrock I saw a LOT of people who were very very lonely and hurting.

There have been two primary bad teachings about marriage and singleness which the church has been responsible for over the years. The Catholic church has tended to lift singleness up as more spiritual and something to be attained. Nuns and priests and monks have been honoured over the years, while marriage - still one of the sacraments - has often been portrayed as a weak capitulation to the "things of the flesh". Teachers of this view use Paul's writings on singleness a lot. On the other hand, the Protestant church has glorified and spiritualised marriage, lifiting it up as the pinnacle of relational living. Teachers here will draw, ironically, on Paul's teaching about husband's loving their wives as Christ loved the church. I think both of these extremes have done the church a huge disservice. I want to speak into the Protestant view. I strongly believe that truth needs to be spoken directly into this area to bring release from guilt, condemnation and bad teaching.

Firstly, marriage is not your reward. It is not the thing you get once you have reached an acceptable spiritual level, once your relationship with God is right, once you have dealt with all your junk. Well-meaning christians promote the marriage-as-reward view with comments like this, "Just keep praying..." "Focus on your relationship with God" "God is jealous and He wants you all to himself" "Only when God is your everything - your provider, comforter, and Husband - will he give you a spouse" "Maybe you need to be getting into the Word more/doing more quiet time/praying more/working on your relationship with Him before getting into other relationships". This is crap. Those are things that are not reserved for singles - married people should be doing them just as much! Marriage is not the thing you get when you have attained spiritual well-being and right relationship with God. This view is dangerous because 1. it puts married folk on a pedestal as the "ones who have arrived" - which believe me we are not! and 2. it puts single folk under an incredible amount of condemnation, guilt and worthlessness for not being "good enough" for a relationship. It condemns their relationship with God because, if you're not married, obviously you are doing something wrong and haven't earned a relationship yet. Once again, this is Crap. I have to say it that strongly because I really do believe that this is a HUGE lie taking down people in the church.

Secondly, a lot of people - naively and sometimes intentionally - teach that God will purposefully keep you in a place of singleness so that He can work on your character, teach you things, etc. Nonsense. I do not believe that God puts you in or keeps you in a place of singleness so that He can mold you. I do believe that in whatever place you are, God will work in that place and use the strengths of that circumstance to work in and through you. Yes, there are some things that would seem to be easier worked out while we are still single. But I can say this because if it were true that God keeps you single to work on you, then believe me I would still be single! There was a lot of stuff in my life before going into marriage that would have been much better worked out while I was alone. In fact, bringing it into marriage caused B and I a lot of pain and confusion, and was incredibly difficult. Singleness, according to the "working on your character" arguement ,would have been a much better place for all that to happen. But God did not keep me in that place til I or He had sorted it out - but in His incredible grace when I moved into marriage He still worked on it. You do not have to be single for God to be able to work on certain things in your life. But if you are - if that is the space you find yourself in now - then He will make use of that and work on those things. But He can do that just as well in marriage. He does not put you in or keep you in a place of singleness; He will work and use whatever place you are in to grow you.

This said, I have to say that marriage is wonderful. I love it. I am not trying to diss or put marriage down at all. If you desire marriage then by all means bring that continually before Him. But remember that marriage is not your reward and it is not something withheld until you tick all the boxes. Also, if you are in a place of singleness and you desire a relationship and to be married, do not live in the place of desire. Live in the place you are in. Live it to the full. Don't miss out on the incredible adventure and the wonderful things that being single allows you to do because you are longing to be somewhere else.

September.... (Praise God!)

From my FB statuses today:

September... A month you may feel abandonment but it's because it's a month of deep reconciliation between man and God. God has been so busy with me the last few Septembers my next few statuses will update you!

17 September 2009, round about the same time, my dad and I head on the road to drive to Jeffrey's Bay so I can begin my 6 months missions program on the 18th. The previous Aug/Sep God spoke to me about More, More, More and on this day I took the big leap to pursue the more. If there was more to be had I wanted to go all the way. I wanted all of me to know all of him.So left home, family, friends, familiar to follow Jesus!    Also remember the amazing significance of my dad driving with me, (this was cause I didn't leave the morning as I was supposed to and he didn't want me to drive alone in dark) but it was awesome for my father to take/give me away to grow my relationship with my Father. So tomorrow will be 3years since DTS began!

September 2010, 17 September. I was in a car with 2 friends, on my way to visit YWAM Worcester for the weekend not realizing it was same time left for YWAM Jbay. In the car we had a convo about a guy who I was seeing but was really not good for my walk with God, etc. And I asked if they would pray with me, by the end of the weekend, I was greatly encouraged and a bit back to my passionate love and pursuing God which I had not been for months and the Sunday coming home was the beginning of the end of me and the guy which I was so broken up about then but so grateful now!

September 2011, Yesterday last year I finallllyyy graduated from my Btech IT, but last year was such a significant turn around month, Besides finding out my arthritis was back, I felt I'm tired of being a baby Christian when despite my best efforts for over ten years of being saved, everyone grew past me. I said God I give up... I can't anymore, I can't just be going to heaven, but I don't get to know you, hear you, experience you like everyone else. If I can't have go deeper, then I rather don't want to be a Christian, cause tired of being a half Christian. So I gave up! And for  3 days I sulked like the person who tells their spouse I'm leaving u,but then sleeps on the couch. Because I realized only reason why I sleep in dark is cause He is with me, only reason I can listen to all doc's negative reports is because He is telling me opposite, I can't with him! But I can't without him!!! So september 2011 I gave up, my Christianity, i didn't give up that God is all powerful and amazing but on my ability to tap into and be what a Christian should and could be. And didn't want to keep trying and fail anymore but after 3 days God said....

September 2011, God said You gave up. Good!!! I was just waiting for you to give up. Now I can be God. It started with a little bit of tiny rain drops while a friend spoke a word of rest and peace over my life. By the Saturday, I was the main prize winner at Kuier magazine event, a holiday for 2 with dinner and spar treatment, the a month later won R500 Markhams voucher, then a Pepsi key ring, then got my R160 phone upgraded to a blackberry, my Corsa to a yaris, then won a bamboo wood chopping board worth R280, then got a job at Europe's best IT service provider for the salary I wanted, and a month later moved out.I am now 6 months employed and the blessings just keep continuing. I think God is trying to say, "Do you get it yet, that I love you!!! How can I overwhelm and shower you with my goodness and favour! I still feel like such a baby in the Lord and there are things that are pressing and concerns. But today I wanna look back and say thank you! God you have been more than faithful, you have given me grace, you are really God, and no matter how I may feel, the truth is even when we are faithless You a faithful !!! Thank you Jesus for calling me and loving me first. Father I surrender once again and lay every crown at your feet. I choose to trust You and lift my eyes to You. May the next year to next September, be all that You plan for me Lord and for your glory. My only prayer is that you would also show my loved ones, the grace you have shown me. That Father you would reveal your heart as Jesus is introduced to them. That they would come to know, receive and be transformed by your love. That peace, strength healing and the life of God would be their portion. That you would bring favour and freedom to us all, and of course my children's children :) Thank You Lord!

So this September, no matter how lonely, overwhelmed, broke, hurting, helpless, abandoned we feel, by faith we look up to God. He first loved us, and his grace is sufficient, in fact more than enough! Isaiah 54: “For a brief moment I abandoned you,but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord your Redeemer. (Isaiah 54:7, 8 NIV84)

Still a struggle, Lord give me your grace in this.

I still struggle with:

Someone says something insensitive.

I think to tell them not to say that, or maybe explain where I'm at so they will respect where I'm at,

instead of Ok, I'll bear that in mind next time,

It escalates into more hurtful words being thrown at me, a can of worms being opened, such a backlash that I'm like maybe I shouldn't have said anything but yet, why asking someone to please respect something or trying to sort of stop more harmful words, brings more.

And yet I do not want a bitter root to grow in me, I do not want to entertain and partake of the spirit of judgement and accusation. I want to show the same grace shown to me, I want to love the way Jesus's loved. I want to listen beyond the words and have compassion to the hurting person behind the words.I want to think "That's kleintjies" to the words said to me and just rise up and show love, and be humble.

I want to! But then I don't. I take the bait. I think maybe if I just explain the person will understand.

Then I'm hurt by the result.

and then I struggle with Jesus, cause in my mind there is an unresolved issue, that I have no idea how to fix.

And maybe before all of this, I was just going to come, just going to open up to Him, now instead I feel like I can't cause things with my brother/sister is not right.

And yet I've been down this road before. I've learnt before that when I do go to Jesus, he softens my heart and I do forgive, in fact I'm filled with love and compassion, or he convicts and shows me where I'm wrong. I also think u can't extend grace, if you haven't experienced grace, if you don't know grace.
If everytime I mess up, or even people mess up with me, I suddenly feel like I can't go to my God, then I do not yet know the heart of my Father toward me.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love - 1 John 4:18

Lord please perfect me in your love. But not just for me Lord, may you teach me how to love like you love! Father I pray that you will heal the brokenness, drive out the fear, strenghthen me on the inside so I won't be so overly sensitive.

And teach me how to love. Fill me with your agape Love. Lord I forgive and release and want to love! Help me in this Oh Father.

For you have surely shown me love and grace even in the midst of my mess!

Thank you Lord. Lord may have greater revelation of You, Your love, Your love for me. May  be established and rooted deep in and grasp with all the saints, the depth, the width, the height of our love! And know this love that surpasses knowledge!

I don't want to just know it all, I want to experience your love.

Here is my heart, here is my life, here I am Lord.

All yours.

I surrender.

may I die to self, so it is not I that lives but You who live through me.

For your glory Lord.

Amen!

Tornado - Sara Groves

You live your life like a tornado
Destruction follows everywhere you go
And you have no plans to stop or slow oh

I will not let this bitter root grow in me
I will not let you leave that legacy
But it gets so hard when pain is all I see oh

Every time I find healing you're making a new mess
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness

And I tried to remove myself from your path
But I keep waking up in the aftermath
So I pick up again and say I won't look back oh
And I will not let you leave that legacy
But this constant fight is breaking me oh

Every time I find healing you're making a new mess
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness

And it hurts when you hit at the hearts of the ones I love
When everything you touch is rumble and dust
And it gets so hard to know how to trust
But I will not let that bitter root grow
I will not let it no no
But it gets so hard oh

Every time I find healing you're making a new mess
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness
And I could move and never send you a forwarding address
Or I could learn the real meaning of forgiveness

Who would have thought...

A year ago, I applied for every job but IT. It was last year this time of year that my sickness came back and I wondered is this because I am going back to work and not out doing my hearts desires. The idea of going back to a field that was stressfull, that I felt so out of place in, was scary to say the least.

BUT GOD...

Besides all the millions of other good things that have happened in my life, this blog is dedicated to the work things!

Starting this year with God changing my head and heart about IT. I attribute  this to God, cause nothing in me was excited about this field since the very beginning, in 1999 when started studying. Yes I had momentary achievements, but I longed to do community work, arts, children, travel, etc... For the last 4 years coming alive out on the mission field, a real dread was in my heart to come back to IT.

So the first thing, was realising the areas that I need growth in, Time, Tasks, Order, Process, IT is the perfect school, and also a desire to begin to write my own story, put into words by a good friend of mine. I can't live fully while lugging debt. I will not grow up in taking responsibility if I continue another ten years in my parents house. I won't get rid of the debt, if I keep working for R2000 a month.

We did a crazy thing in our young adults prayer group and trust God for a certain amount of salary. Though it was higher than what I have ever before earned, I could justify it. I would be able to move out, pay for medication, and begin to move forward if I had that amount. I began job hunting with the desire to get a job, that i can learn, grow, be challenged, that does things properly, and that pays enough. Although I wondered am I turning my back on missions, I knew I had to take a step. If God meant me to be in missions in this season even if I sent my CV for a job, he would then close that door and miraculously provide for my debt.If he meant for me to work, he would open up that door. Either way God would have his way, but I couldnt sit and twiddle my thumbs and do nothing because of fear of doing the wrong thing for years on end.

I went for about 3 interviews, then I wrote on Facebook, went for an interview today, not asking for jobs because I really was still a bit hesitant about working in IT, then a friend inboxed me to mail my cv to this company. I asked what is the position for, he didn't know but asked me to ask the girl I was mailing. She then passed my CV on, became my friend on email and FB. I had 3 different interviews for 2 different positions, then thought I didnt get the job, and then that turned around and I got the job for the position I am in now for the salary I wanted. The position I am in now, is exactly what I needed to grow in times, tasks, process. The company I work for works according to best practices so everything is done properly, documented and continuous improvement, every employee is encouraged to grow. I have a super manager :) I've made big mistakes already, but I think it was divine because it was lifelong issues that needed to be addressed and I am working at it and becoming a better person.

A year ago I would not have been able to imagine myself in IT, and now I am happy. Of course I still long for the mission field. But I also enjoy learning, and growing and interacting with the various people at my work locally and internationally. I know that this is where I am meant to be for this season. I also know that God has his hand on me, that this was divinely orchestrated by God and that he is better than good. Meeting my needs, my wants, my desires. I could not have landed a job like this for myself. I didn't believe in myself concerning IT enough to be able to do what I am doing. But daily I am becoming who he always saw me as...

Who would have thought I'd be here? The one who knows the end from the beginning. The one who has written all the days ordained for me in His book before one of them came to be. The one who has searched me and knows me. How does one say thank you to God. How do you say thank you to a God who keeps rolling out a red carpet before you  and treating you like a queen and seeing all the potential in you even before you realise it. I can say thank you, but it seems not enough. Thank You Lord. Thank you Lord.
Thank you for your faithfulness, thank you for your grace. I do not deserve it, yet you favour me.

Thank you for your cross and your love. towards me, I think I am beginning to get it, but still not there yet. But Lord as you are blessing me, do not leave my heart the same.I offer my heart back to you, may I become pleasing unto you!

Beautiful Poem - ee cummings - Somewhere I have never travelled.

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond

by E. E. Cummings

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond any experience,your eyes have their silence: in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me, or which i cannot touch because they are too near   your slightest look easily will unclose me though i have closed myself as fingers, you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens (touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose   or if your wish be to close me, i and my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly, as when the heart of this flower imagines the snow carefully everywhere descending;   nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals the power of your intense fragility:whose texture compels me with the color of its countries, rendering death and forever with each breathing   (i do not know what it is about you that closes and opens;only something in me understands the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

..........

So I didnt get the job at company X after 1 interview for one position and 2 for another. We will go into all the reasons for this some other day cause right now my emotions are not ready for it. What I do want to say on this blog is...Wow God is faithful, even when I am not, and Even though there is somehow sometimes this slight disconnect to seeing what God does and really taking hold of that in my heart...I will still say Thank you Lord for your peace. cause while this job seemed right, in my mind, I didnt have this confident assurance and peace in my heart, which I have felt in the past for certain big decisions, and God waking me up this morning to pray, and then the devotional today...

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by Marsha Burns--02/03/12:
Encourage yourself, says the Lord. Rise up and establish yourself in faith that I will bring you through every situation that has the potential of bringing you down in discouragement. Ask, and I will give you wisdom and show you what must be done. I will strengthen you in your weakest moment. I am with you, and I will not forsake you. Put your entire trust in Me to rescue you from even the most dire of situations and lift you up to new heights. Do not be afraid!
2 Corinthians 12:9 And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

So I guess even though I am feeling crappy right now, my Father in heaven took the time to encourage me this morning...

Thank you Lord, heal the disconnect. Love you

Chan

The problem with being single after 30...

1) Almost everyone is married, and because you're not you don't think that way. You don't consider when you meet someone that they probably are married, and then they are!
2) You seem desperate, You sound desperate, but you actually aren't...
3) Few people understand what you are going through because once again... They're married and it wasn't years of waiting...
4) Some people assume because you are older and still single that you are desperate...And would go for just anybody...Including the men trying to go for you...
5) You have to be teased at every party, in every conversation, about your status.
6) Maybe you still have the romantic, crush side of you which really doesnt work at 31!
7) Your friends get younger every year as the married friends reprioritize their lives, then your younger friends get married, etc...
8) You become older, "wiser"/more cynical, fatter, greyer :) But still no man.You become more independant, more used to doing things for yourself, which generally is a put off for men but how can u help it if for most of your life you have to look after yourself...Confidence levels also change.
9) your dream for 5 children becomes 2,and adoption...or you look around u and say maybe I shouldnt have 5 cause I now understand (not the money concern) but the capacity concern.
10) You go between being ok and not ok, the worst part is again if other people assume you are desperate...E.g you meet a guy, and all you are thinking is Great! new Guy friends, so I can be more normal. But he or others are saying...She is plus 30, she is desperate, let me keep my distance. When you are just trying to be friends...Then other times you do notice the amazing qualities in friends and it drives you nuts! Cause there is no way of knowing, if there hasnt been anyone till now, then why would things change now, so don't even dream!
11) Weddings and social events don't contain the plus one invite anymore which used to force you to try and interact with guys to get a partner to the event...Wherever you go, its mostly just ladies...and even if there were men u'd be a bit akward cause we just don't have that culture anymore of mixing, ladies sit and drink tea, while guys talk politics and world events (which I like, but then it looks weird me sitting with the men!)
Also back in the day, parties contained, dancing, Jazzing and Bluesing, once again, akward, but interaction!
12) You have the whole idea panned out in your mind, the colours, the childrens names, everything, but if any potential comes in site...You freak out cause although u say u want it, the reality is for the past 10 years you didnt need to consider someone else...And don't know how you would be anymore.
13) When someone does pay interest you act all weirdly, cause again, this is not something u do all the time or have done in the longest time, would have been easier if u just married the love of ur life you met at 18, at 23 as planned.
14) You actually begin to consider blind dates, etc.etc... WHICH YOU NEVER DID BEFORE...esp. as a christian... I mean now like internet meeting sites *ok I am not at this point yet..But watching too much reality tv makes u wish you friends did set u up on a blind date.
15) People still give you the speech of once you forget about it will come... Or how to wait patiently...Ok heard that speech at 22, 25, 27, 29, 31...I've gone for 3 years without looking around or even expecting, just enjoying God...I know what it is like to wait, I don't grab the first guy who pays attention, I do know God knows...Its normal to I think have bouts of wondering again...I can say this cause in 12 years of being single if it weren't normal I'd be an absolute freak or I would have a strong case of asking Why I'm not married after 12 years of patiently waiting...I think life is about being real too!

There are more points, they will come as I vent more... 

But the reality is, that I know God knows. I know that he is still busy healing me and I know that in this past 12 years of being single, I haven't been twiddling my thumbs but I have been living life, I've gone on missions, I've travelled, I've learnt alot, Even began to heal deep things in my life that was there even before I used to date and was reason for messing up those relationships. I can wait even 12 years more if God is still walking with me and leading me on, as long as he teaches me how to deal with when the potential people come alongside me. I really know he knows and I actually trust him. Well I don't trust myself that much even in the choosing. I am grateful that he has kept a hedge around me, esp. when I wanted the wrong guys, he just made it not work out... I believe this year will be different, and I am trying to learn to really trust and depend on God for the big life transitions... And in learning to follow and find him in life, I hope when the love comes I will hear His voice.

but for today, just needed to vent on here, cause as I said when I try and tell people where I'm at, they just don't understand...
 

...

The cool thing about my blog is most people aren't really interested in what I have to say, or reading long things, or reading my long things, so I can blog and blog and blog and safely know (hopefully) no one is reading what I am writing. Of course I don't mind that people read (hence its online and not in some journal) but I do mind when people secretly read and never comment or say read this or that... Esp. if it's people I know...cause that just feels stalkerish...(so hey! let me know if u're reading). Well since no one is saying they are reading, I can nicely continue expressing what is really going on cause I need to get it out and there's no one to speak to....Cause really I can't keep it on the inside it is too much for me. And with friends well...

• Some give off impression own lives are perfect so if they not honest, hard for me to be.
• Some have their own issues so dont want to burden them, then if I say I will share regardless, can sense that I am just adding to their loads
• Some don't want to hear my problems and rightly so. Who wants to be friends with someone who always has issues! well generally i am with ppl who do have and who dont want to have them, but from what I have heard people say and how they act, generally world an christians dont want to be with ppl like that.
• I am being super negative and unfair because maybe there are some friends who do care, and yes I know i can count them on one hand. If the others do let me know. But again I know we're all going through stuff, so hey I'm not holding it against you I am just saying for me, I am alone in what I am going through! Not saying it's your fault or you need to be there.

I have issues and they don't just go away, especially if you want them away and willing to face whatever you need to face, then wisdom has shown that road is longer because it involves dealing with roots. I get that some people are more simple and less complex and can just go out and change themselves immediately upon hearing they need to change,but I am not that person, so I guess that is another issue!

So yeah I'm going through these things and I feel, very,very alone in it.

And am trying to pray in the midst of it and God has brought a bit of cheering through a little 2 year old from George who asked to speak to me on the phone. But the problem is still there, and it always has been and never seems to change. No matter what. And so people, leaders, psychologist, pastors will say. That means You need to change. Yeah, maybe but that doesnt make the things that happen to me right! And I'm running out of ways to handle it, hope, and I just want it to stop hitting me over the head and tramping on my feelings! And so if changing means, I must keep quiet, lay low, not let it get to me, then tell me how. Tell me how not to be hurt. Because really I'm not a sucker for pain! It does hurt! Maybe its because I am hoping this storm will stop! Maybe it's not ever going to stop but about me going through the storm. Then please give me wisdom on how i am suppsoed to think/feel when I'm drowning? I know the "right" thing to do, but how do u stop feeling like you're drowning while doing the right thing. Or when trying to do the right thing you get in so much more trouble!

So if it's me thats the problem, then how do I change that, then thats another problem on my list of problems.
If you hit me on my head am I not supposed to feel pain...No still feel pain?
Ok so then am I supposed to still feel pain and just become numb and surrender till I'm just a shell.
Why am I not allowd to say it hurts? Why am I not allowed to do something that prevents me from being hurt again?

God please help me. You're the only one that I can trust. I am hurting Big time at this moment. And I really don't know how to get over it, through it, around it,etc. I know Jesus went through worse please help that then breakthrough how I feel Lord.

Feels like everyone else world goes on and I'm just left to deal with the mess!

Lord help me. Fight for me, help me do the "right" thing, if there is cause right now I also feel like a terrible sinner!

Die week se denke...

Dit was a bietjie moeilike week en tyd. No matter how much I want to be where I should be I am just so aware, about all my muck, pride, distance, inability to hear, people issues, broken heart issues, fear of man issues, overthinking, dunno how to bridge the gap between god and me, too much on my plate, overwhelmed,etc.etc.etc.. oh and pain esp. at night.

But amidst this whirlwind of life...God has been speaking, reassuring, even if it was just a facebook wall post by a friend, or a song playing in my head.

So it's only Tuesday, but this week these are the little steps God has put on my heart or at least I think it's him or maybe I know its him cause I've been too out of it to come up with this myself.

Yesterday. God woke me up with praise on my heart. In Particular the Song...There is no one like you, - David Crowder Band. And praise I did, also the psalms in 140 something reminded me to praise, to make God my shield...to trust in Him...

Today: woke up with the song Hope of Suzy Yaraei...
I then made an attempt to listen to the song before i face my day cause I know in this past time it has been hard to have hope. Its been a while since I've been the full of hope Chandre I've always been. But after listening to the song, agian and the hope with which she sings it I was stirred and reminded Christ in me the hope of glory! See previous blog for lyrics:
"Hope,call it up now,make it alive,We’v got 2 reach inside for,Hope wont let us down,no room 4doubt,Got 2believe He’s in us!BR:Christ the Hope of Glory!

I heard over the weekend that the way sex slaves cope is to let go of hope. Cause hope makes it hard to face what they need to, easier just to give up hope of ever being free.

People always say to pray and get what u are praying u have to believe have to have faith, have to see what u are praying for, but if u have no hope, how is that possible. What if u are trying but u just cannot see the picture change... So all the changes i want to see requires hope at first, seeing what I don't see - Heb11:1 - faith is the substance of things hoped for.... first have to hope! then faith will be substance of that. but if i lost hope....

Thank God, Christ in me is the hope of glory...and that too as Romans 15: ¹³ May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

This makes it all a bit easier, i am scared, i am overwhelmed, but I do have Christ and the Holy Spirit in me, and as I look to him and trust HIM, not myself, He fills me, overflows me, and as I hold on to that cornerstone inside me! believe he is in me, hope will arise....

Thank You Jesus...

today I got a bit of Wait too... in Jason Upton's song Emma, i think Beyond the Window part...it says "as we wait on him, new wings...so we wait on him, sometimes there's just nothing left to do but wait on him"

Really people when i look at myself ek sien nie 'n uitweg nie! but i will  hope in him, and wait on him even in the midst and in the waiting and praising my Faithful God will come through :)

Amen! You see it works, if u knew how down I was today and now can rejoice...it's just Him! without him I am gemors.

Father, father me...
Chandre

Thoughts Update...

Been having a tough couple of days, which built up to me falling in old struggles again! But praise God for his faithfulness and me having learnt that the only safe place is in him. I now am beginning to see why God wants us to be like children. So we can take things one step at a time, so we can enjoy the moment, so we can trust with such innocence. So we don't overthink and stress over future and past. And as we do this we hear him, he enjoys us and he leads us. But when don't and want to resolve, or understand things or know what future holds too much, you can stress yourself out so much that it opens doors for enemy to attack you again, cause he knows you're not resting in, trusting in, depending on God anymore, but your own reasoning.

So ja thats that, but today I am better, ok, me falling made me worry that I'm right back in my past, but I'm not cause I know who my God is, and that he is still with me and that makes all the difference, to cry in his arm and realise that I need to keep my eyes fixed on him and in looking at him, peace is coming again.

On another note. Even though for years when ppl would say that one must enjoy your singleness, cause when u're married you won't have the opportunity to do e.g. missions, etc.etc...I always thought/ said yes, you say that now, but they look so happy feels like we're missing out... It's not that I hate being single, I don't. I know how to embrace life where I'm at and sort of make the most of it, but I do at times wish I had a companion and do have dreams, and for the romantic I am, did not imagine life to turn out this way, yet at the same time am grateful to God for letting me sort out my life, cause imagine i had gotten married at 23 as I wanted, would I be divorced today? or overwhelmed?

But lately trying to put myself in married shoes :) I realise what people mean, right now I can up and leave, I can dream and even follow my dream. I am ok with me, i love me, being with someone else makes me vulnerable (maybe that is the purpose of marriage, to die to self?). When I look at the people around me I see some balanced, others I see that esp.as a wife, you have to put your dreams aside. Well one married friend encouraged me it's not that you give up your dreams , its that you make new dreams together....

Anyway I don't think I'm ready. Says the girl who is turning 31 this year and was worried last year about the ten million children she wants :). But I am also learning that life is not about when you think you are ready or not. Its about staying close to God and serving and loving him and doing what he asks you to do. If it's his time, whether I think I  am ready or not, things will work out and he will speak. It's when I'm not staying close that everything looks scary and I'm tempted to take things in my own hands, despite that life has taught me over and over, me in control on life and love things is not a good thing!

So Ja, Hard as it is, I choose to trust you, even when I don't know what my future holds, I don't know how things are going to work out, I don't know where I will be next year :) lol. What I do know is if I stay close to you I will be in the perfect will of God and you make ALL things beautiful in your time, even the difficult, crosses. :)

God you are good. Love you!
Chan