Why don't you dig a little deeper...

Kids just love this song, even though sometimes I am tired of singing it again...But the purpose of this blog post is not to talk about children's actions songs but to share where I'm at. Digging deeper. Finally, I am beginning to understand somethings about my life...Its like when u dig u get soft soil but as u go deeper it gets to a point where the sand is so hard u have to use a pike to break it up. I've been digging and digging these years, going to DTS, victory weekends, encounter weekends, deliverance ministry, but still my life was just not working out, not the way other people's do. And people who have fairly simple lives have begun to get frustrated with me. But finally I am beginning to understand what that harder ground is, what the roots of my problems are and can deal with it...

...in God's love.

There are times that my problems overwhelm me. There are times when I say thank you for your grace. Thankyou Lord that I'm not married or have children cause u wanted to heal me first!!!

Although being where I am can be scary, today I am grateful that I am here, because I know I am not without God's love, and I know he will carry me through, even when it doesn't feel like that.

Chan

P.S...

Awesome Sara Groves song...

Hello Lord, it's me your child
I have a few things on my mind
Right now I'm faced with big decisions
And I'm wondering if you have a minute, cuz
Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.

I don't doubt your sovereignty
I doubt my own ability to
Hear what you're saying
And to do the right thing
And I desperately want to do the right thing
But right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.

And somewhere in the back of my mind
I think you are telling me to wait
And though patience has never been mine
Lord, I will wait to hear from you
Oh Lord, I'm waiting on you

Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I think you're whispering

I hope it wasn't so but if it was...?

I hate being the rebound girl

Bad day yesterday...& thought for the day

Lets start with thought for the day:

I hope to never complain again when God gives me a  spirit of peace, instead of laughing, falling over, etc.etc...Cause its' really his supernatural peace that carried me this weekend it really was unexplainable the peace,and i think ti was God doing that so mom's birthday and stuff will be a blessed experience,and Monday that peace (manifested peace) gone again. So now in the struggles and relational stuff I am facing I say Lord, please give me once again, your peace that passes all understanding in Jesus Name...

Now for yesterday:

Well,the day started with communion. Then a disappointment (will not elaborate more here). Then went to Zevenwacht mall to change shoes and do some other things.

1) Banked money (but forgot that mom gave me money too to buy stuff afterwards) so banked too much.
2) Lost phone in toilet (prayed and got it back)
3) ordered food as hadn't eaten since breakfast, only after ate, realised about mom's money. so had to use my remaining money to buy her shopping with, was 50c short,fortunately the cashier allowed me to buy.
4) popped in at someone in Northpine seeing as I was thats side of the world and dont have petrol to drive thru othertimes.
5) got into trouble for coming late with the goods.
6) shoes i went to swop don't fit anyway
7) got negative attitude about almost losing phone and money and everything(didnt even say everything)....(this all happened today now) so bit sad/mad/ but now am choosing instead

to pray for God's peace that passes all understanding...

Profound Question

Do you want to be free?

about love

• Learning in couples i see confidence between each other, being fully themselves and accepting the other person for who they are, one partner isn't trying too hard to impress the other, cause love doesnt have to be forced. Also friendship...my cell leader mails his wife during the day, when something happens and he wants to tell somebody the first friend that he thinks to tell is her...it's not His WIFE, then friends, His wife is his friend.
• Don't want to be like Calley in Grey's with George...
• Hope that I dont keep learning all this stuff in theory then when relationship or temptation or opportunities come I still act in my own way. but Lord thank you for growth and grace so far!

Romans 1:1-17

7 To all in Rome who are loved by God and called to be his holy people:
Grace and peace to you from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ.

 ¹¹ I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong— ¹² that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith.
Similiar to Hebrews 10 :24 ²⁴ And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, ²⁵ not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.  - Saying the same thing. which highlights the importance of building one another up, encouraging one another...

 in order that I might have a harvest among you
fruitfullness, souls?

14 I am obligated both to Greeks and non-Greeks, both to the wise and the foolish. 15 That is why I am so eager to preach the gospel also to you who are in Rome.

for everyone, wise, foolish. why is it that people only go to poor areas to preach, not saying dont' go, i'm saying don't limit where God wants to go? secondly are the greeks the wise? Just pondering cause at the moment my heart going out ot all the problems in greece.

¹⁶ For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile
the gospel is hte POWER OF GOD that brings salvation to everyone that believes. WOW...not just the story we always here, not just truth, but in sharing the gospel you are sharing the power of God that brings salvation to that person who believes...

17 For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed—a righteousness that is by faith from first to last,[e] just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith.”[f]

awesome, awesome, awesome. Righteousness of God, not of me...and it is by faith for the first to the last all! living by faith in God.we receive righteousness...the gospel (good news about Jesus) reveals the righteousness of God! In JESUS we are made righteous!
In Conclusion...

Our walk with God, our faith is a powerful thing, we know the power of God to bring salvation to the lives of others...And God has given us this so that it can be given to Greeks non greeks, wise, poor whoever!whoever believes.. We also need to build one another up. Our righteousness comes from God not from us

did you mean what you said

did you mean what you said
did you mean what you sang
was your song merely words
or emotions

to be in love....

to be in love....
yet to be unsure of the Lord's will.

to love someone,
yet to know that if you hold on you may be hurting them or you?

to have their love returned
yet to know that you have to let it go even if you treasure it so much.

This is all extremely hard, because I do love him.

I have always done the wrong thing in the past. Now I am trying and occasionally failing but trying to do the right thing and the right thing hurts and is scary. I have to let go, but does letting go mean losing someone I actually value?

Or does letting go mean letting go so I can let God interven so that His ways that are higher than my ways can kick in and even maybe redeem this relationship.


I don't have answers. I just have wisdom, love, questions, fears.

Lord give me the strength to do the right thing. Its so scary cause I don't want someone else. But I know that doing things in my own way may lead to disaster regardless. Whether it's him or no one or someone else, God needs to direct it.

Lord help me love. Putting the my needs and desires second to his. Being a blessing instead of a curse. Help me Lord!

hey hey

Who would think that going without food actually makes you stronger :) But isn't that how God works, saying when you put aside your desires, carnal, needs, etc, for a moment, a time, a season, then I will come through and be your bread, your provision, your strenth. Fasting works people. This is coming from someone who sometimes is lazy to fast, more when I'm out of it, then hard to get back in. But this past 3 weeks, I've seen God coming through, I've seen him work, I've seen him change things, despite my mistakes, failure,etc.etc, simply because of surrending through fasting. Lord, I love you! And I thank you for your amazing strength and grace. Even as I write this, usually my heart would be shattering because of what is occuring in my personal life, but amazingly I am just depending on God and as he comes through and fills me up more, that causes me to depend even more, I am not trying to figure things out when I'm on my mine, replaying events and conversations,etc. I am just doing what I must, and thinking on God, surrendering. It doesnt always feel good, I am having a cold at the same time, so physically not feeling lekka either, BUT, I am blessed. And this in itself is amazing,so Lord thank YOU for your faithfulness, and for being there for me. If I allow myself to delve into the series of events, it doesnt make sense at all, yes there are some big basics we have let go of, and compromised in that could have led to all this muck and leaves uncertainty about the future BUT, at the same time, no matter how I try to do things with sincerity, or the right thing, or with good intentions, it just doesnt work out, and I dont know how to fix things, resolve things, clarify things, move on even, when focused on these things. I am sad that friendships that I have had has to come to this point and the hoper in me hopes that it will be redeemed despite our own choices not on a romantic level but a general friendship I wish the best for you, you wish the best for me as it always was. I do not wish anything to leave behind bitterness, mistrust, fear, and I know when dont deal with things properly thats where it can lead to. But learning to lift my head above this, not look to this, but look to God find my beauty, my confidence, my joy, my strength, my"strenght for today, and bright hope for tomorrow" in HIM, in no one else but him, and he will work together all things for my good. It may hurt, it may not make sense, but as psalm 46 says I will make the Lord my refuge and be still and know he is my God. I am casting my cares upon him for HE cares for me.

Lord thank you for your most amazing faithfulness towards me. Lord I cling to you and love you

Chan

this season

i dont know
i dont know where to go
i dont know how to fix things
i dont know all the answers
i dont know how to make it
i dont know, I dont know

what i've seen
is when i give up
he can work and move

so even in my i don't knows
i'm giving up
God work and move
God keep the pieces of my heart together
And heal me once again

God help me in my relationship with others
Help them in their relationship with me
But mostly God,hold me.
So that I can be ok, even when I don't know.

...

everyday a sharing of what's on my heart leads to an argument, and because the object of my affection is so important to me,I am beginning to think maybe I should just not share my heart, I don't know if it's just this situation or everyone that comes along who doesn't get me,all I know is that I try so very hard to spell out all my feelings and intentions and still it will be misunderstood or misread in a way I didn't intend it. Anyway, the verdict is I am in love, but love hurts and I am generally not neutral when it comes to love or hurt. But hurt or no hurt, the good is so much greater and worth pursuing,so I allow things to be swept under the carpet or hope things will work out on their own cause I don't know how to with my words.

rejection sucks too.it really does.

God help and hold on to me.

Anyway I do know that the rejection is not intentional nor really understood.

But I have to share my heart somewhere and though I dont really want to make my heart public, i dont really know who else to speak to, so i blog...

Right now greater things are going on than my little problems, Lord please come!!!!!!! Intervene...Your Presence, Lord, Come with you presence...


Amen

Questions...

1) Why do people say they'll be there? Then after you make yourself vulnerable, yet again, you never hear from them again? Or maybe I will, and I should just wait longer?

2) How do you sort out things with people, when you're not sorry yet for what happened. And now you in self protection mode? Do you not speak to them until you can say sorry and face same hurt again? Or do you not say sorry but at least begin the dialogue. What if you're not ready to be hurt again, in just dialoguing?

3)Do you hold onto friends who are absent when you're not there? Making you begin to wonder was it merely based on you. Do you let go without letting them know you are letting go? I used to hold on and fight, but learnt when I was away to let people just be? So now I'm trying that but also wondering if I should be fighting or letting go.

More to follow.

Before I forget

Though there has been a lot of hurtful situations today I am still going to blog the relevations God gave me in quiet time today as I think it's pretty relevant for me right now and whoever else may be blessed by it.

Also the wordplay on relevant and revelation is something to remember.

This morning as I was praying and surrendering to God for the first time in a long time... God reminded me, that Christianity is not a RELIGION with RULES but a relationship with GOD. Cause I have this tendency to push God away when people hurt me or when I mess up or when I can't see a solution because in my mind all the rules comes to mind. E.g You're going to have to forgive this one, cause thats what Christianity is? And thats what God is oging to expect when you come to him, and then its so hard because for now my mind is still trying to figure out how can this have happened...or if purity is still an issue,then u're really a messed up christian cause you should be walking in holiness and righteousness. But God reminded me, Christianity is not rules, or Religion, but a Relationship with HIM. As I come to him, He purifies me, As I surrender to him, he brings healing and strengthens me to face the people i need to or gives me wisdom, Its about drawing nearer to him, so he can do it, Even Righteousness, the bible says JESUS is our righteousness, apart from him our righteous works is nothing...

So though I'm hurting, and broken and messed up, I am going to continue coming close to the one who's love is bigger than even my imperfection and even though I am messed up he doesnt stop loving me, so let me go to him and let him Love me into healing so that then I can face a messed up world to. Lord Thank You for your love I can say this even in my hurting and broken heart! (I normally can't so thank you so much for holding on to me :) and how apt that He loves - Kim Walker should be the song that is playing now...)

Chan

my heart, my God, my awaiting?

The distance between me and you seems so much bigger, but it could just be my holding back, from your loving arms. But yet Lord, I desire your pursuit of me, I desire your arms around me. Lord, it feels like everything I get in life is only if I ran after it, pursued it? It's like making a wish? Was it meant for you or did you only get it cause you wished it.

So Lord right now, I ask you to please come an intervene, in my heart, in my life, in my situation, Even though I am standing at a distance I invite you Lord, to take a hold of me, and never let go as the Kari Jobe song says (I know that you are for me, I know that you will never forsake me in my weaknesses)

Lord Also, right now I feel so alone in this situation, I feel like I can't talk to him, I can't talk to anyone else, I can't talk to you. I can't talk to him cause he doesn't want to talk to me, I can't talk to other people, because so many not really interested in my life and only there, as I said when I run after them. Not all, but as I said so many. Then can't talk to you, cause I'm afraid, I'm afraid of the expectations, that people say, I'm afraid to trust, becuase I feel like I already know what u going to say becuase it's been drilled into me for years.
*How funny the Kari Jobe music I am listening to is... Just as I'm typing this it's saying
Give me Faith
Give me strength enough to wait
To stand in faith
And listen for, listen for your melody

Lord hold on to me :) Even in this difficult time, Lord it's hard to trust, trust things will get better, or things will change? I don't know what to trust for, and I'm struggling to just trust.

I love you :) But God I so desire to be "swept away" (kari jobe) by your love...By your arms...I wish you would just lift me off my feet and dance with me, and wipe my tears away, and encourage my heart, give me faith, give me strength enough to wait.

don't know what's happening...Hope it's not the worst...

I used to say in the past, a heart that's breaking is like having an egg in your hands that is breaking,u don't know whether to hold on to what's left or if everything is slipping through ur fingers. U in limbo, not entirely sure what's happening or what to do.

Weekend to Home...

What a wonderful rollercoaster (but not in my typical meaning of this word fashion) this past couple of days have been. It started with a bang (fight) and off I go to Jbay with alot of pain, but at the same time determined to fulfill what I had purposed to do despite what just happened. I arrive Friday night 8h30, and end up meeting or rather meeting and relating to a girl who's blogs I had been reading and just to end up getting to know her and praying with her at the end was really great. I thought my sleeping bag and thin blanket would be enough, it wasn't and so next morning I wake up with 2 big red marks on my nose. A literal Cold sore. Just to add as a funny part of the night, I asked Daan to give me a book to read the time I am there, cause the others were reading some heavy deep book. He says he has the perfect book for me, do I want to know the title? When he said that I knew something was coming! I say yes, the answer... "Disobedience brings the curse of the Lord"...I shook my head and walked away

Saturday...
I got to say hello to Uncle Tommy, only thing I didn't manage to do is say hi to Maylene. I met the April DTS students :) very different group, Lots of African guys which brings a different flavour. Met Miriam's sis, so cool how God intervenes in the lives of people.Over the weekend got to hook up with all my old new friends,went out to the mall with car taxi and 2 friends, got to meet with Mella and Daan the night, and it was awesome, spoke to Daan about the more general issues, and missions, future etc. and Mella the more personal stuff, that has been cropping up in the past months. When she prayed she prayed that I would hear the voice of the Lord Like Isaiah, you will hear a voice at your left and right saying this is the way walk in it :) The next day I got to PE and the evening at church the whole message was about hearing the voice of God that scripture was mentioned twice in the service and the next day Monday,the message in my email was again about hearing the voice of the Lord...heavy God really speaking to me :) Back to Saturdays events. About 11:30pm I start playing Settlers of Catan with Gavin and Ettiene, and believe it or not the game lasted till 1 am.

Sunday Had an awesome time at WOF just pouring out my love and self to God, I couldnt really walk, because my feet were paining from lack of sleep, coldness and all the stress of the past.But at one point in the service Ps Denvar led us in a prophetic dance, like the mauris dance before a match, we should dance before our breakthru that was awesome. Like the dry bones of Ezekiel, God is doing new thing and the bones will become flesh.

Will hopefully update this blog later for now I have to go :)

Cura-me, Senhor, Jesus....

My Lord it's amazing how rollercoaster life can be, one moment I'm desiring to be closer,the next moment it happens, and then begins to bear fruit, next moment I don't want to trust you! How is this possible except you are allowing this so you can heal what I don't see.
LORD HEAL ME! Heal me from Religion, Heal me from Distrust, Heal me from all the walls I have put to protect myself, heal me from fears...

Shared this with someone else today, but Lord perfect me with your love:

John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love 19 We love because he first loved us"

Lord I need you. Preciso de Ti!
Jesus I need you. Precious Holy Spirit do not stop working in my life, do not stop drawing me nearer Lord. I surrender everything even in my fear. GOD overwhelm me in your love, teach me your ways!

learning...

So many moments of my day is thoughts, revelations, which I hardly write down. I thought the title fitting as really what more can I say.

Today I learnt by personal experience, that I need to fill up with God daily, bear my cross daily, it's a daily bread anointing. I learnt this by being totally drained. I also realised when you begin to walk in God, this includes being mindful of what you say and do and if not you may find yourself feeling far from God, and wonder why? But then when you think about it you maybe see small compromises or worldly things you have done and didn't repent of. I thank God for showing me where I missed the mark though. He is so faithful :) I am beginning to learn that really it is all about him,even walking the walk. Without him helping, leading, directing, strengthening, it's just religion. Also learning that sometimes when you learn something you're so excited you run ahead, then run into trouble, God is still the one leading us....and should be. But thank you Lord that you so faithfully bring me back to where I should be.

1 John 2:27 b
But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.

But let me just end this note with saying Thank You to God for his faithfulness to me this week, well always, but Lord this week I am so grateful for your protection, your friendship, your love, your grace, your opportunities. Thank You Lord

In Response to Funny How!

Went to hang with a more spiritually mature lady shortly after last post...And after much hours of listening, talking, wisdom and praying, I realise that the solution is not more connecting with people, but more connecting with God...And when that time of prayer and word is not as it should be, everything that happens around one becomes too much, but in His presence,there is fulness of Joy and everything else fades away.

Funny How....

Funny how you can be where all your friends and family are and feel more lonely than ever. Funny how people who don't understand you, fight with you, etc. can be more there for you than the people who do. I understand that everyone is so busy, and everyone's lives are a bit deurmekaar, but just sometimes hard to as I said be surrounded by people but yet everyone is at arms length. I suppose this is the time to find God in my City... In the same way when I was gone and misunderstood I found him. There are some people who are there, and life long friends who you don't have to explain yourself too. But it's still so much work just to be in community. And even spiritually. Just to talk to someone about God or what's going down sometimes means driving to the next town. Sorry if you are reading this and feeling but I am here! Let me know you are then. But so many times I feel like I'm the only one saying Hey when are we going to get together, when are we going to pray, etc...And if thats' your hearts desire let me know so that I know I'm not alone.

Back...

Yep, I've been quiet, but at last I am ready to post something...

So I'm back. Honestly it hasn't been easy being back. I kinda expected things to be different because I've grown, only to find myself making the same mistakes, falling in the same traps, hurting in the same way, and then getting frustrated and disappointed that this is happening, cause my 6 months away was not an Act yet why am I struggling.

Fortunately sometime between coming home and now, God has been stirring to mind some lessons I learnt the hard way in my 6 months, and now its time to apply it in this environment. Also the meaning of a scripture I never really understood...

Matthew 11:12 (NIV)
12From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it.

Matthew 11:12 (NKJV)
12 And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force.

...Finally makes sense. I've got to win it here...Even though I've grown and learnt somethings, it's almost like weapons, or tools that I've acquired and now I have got to win it back in my old environment, back where the struggle was. And by force. It doesn't come easy. This was a surprise to me, but as I am now beginning to apply what I learnt it is beginning to get easier...

So what was the major lessons I learnt:

1) Consider it Pure Joy when you face trials of many kinds... Endurance,Joy, Maturity. God matures me through the trials, don't despise the trials, thank God, he wouldnt allow it if he wasn't going to use it to grow me. It doesnt come easy but eventually you get it. Like been struggling with some relationships since being back. Today I finally prayed. Lord I surrender this situation to me, even though it hurts and I can't see a solution, and it seems like things never change, Lord I know you are in control and I choose to trust you, trust that you know more than me, trust that you are in control. And that you will show me the next step, despite what was said, or what happened, the battle is yours Lord.

2) Surrender to God. - covered a bit in point no.1. Stop trying to fix things, understand things, it's tiring, frustrating and can make you sick. Give it to God. Let him do what he does best, Trust Him, If you given it to him, it is in good hands.

3) Serve. You'll find as you do the above God starts to soften your heart to pray even for the people hurting you or see them in a different light. Begin to ask God how you can be a blessing to them, sometimes you may see an opportunity, sometimes the opportunity presents itself to you to help out or do something to the very person who broke your heart. That is a God moment...Serve.


4)Accept. a) Accept yourself,for who God has made you, with strengths and weaknesses...When You can say this is Me and God accepts me and so do I, you stop trying so hard to please others cause you know who you are, and their not liking you doesn't matter so much as before cause you are you. But when you don't accept yourself (or maybe you think you have,but really depend on others opinions alot more), everything others say makes you second guess or question yourself and people pick that up and even hurt you even more. But when you know who you are, you got your power back :) and even just relationships with others are easier cause you're not expecting so much from them (validation, approval,etc)...
b) Also Accept people for who they are...This also helps alot. Once you accept this person, this leader, is like that and thats who they are that is their weakness that is their strength and I accept them for who they are, it becomes easier too to relate and not be so judgemental. People will change on their own time, when God reveals it to them, if you told them once and they're still like that you either accept them or move on, but once you accept them, once you,as someone once preached, see the gold in them and not just the dust, it becomes so much easier. Yes that person swears, lies, gossips, is very rude,hurtful but that is just the dust, they are also there through the tough times, Loving God lots, etc... Hold on to the Gold. and you also not so surprised by the dust, when it comes cause you have accepted that person warts and all. but as long as I'm expecting that person not to have warts, everytime they do something wrong either you take it hard, or you become judgemental. And then you are sinning too.

I've seen when I let the wall up to protect myself from others who have hurt me, after a while I notice I am not having breakthrough with God, because the wall I build holds him out too. I know forgiving and trusting again isn't easy...with God's help you do eventually get there as you realise God is using this trial to strengthen and mature you, as you surrender your life, the situation, your emotions to God,as you pray for and/or serve the people that hurt you and as you accept yourself and them for who God made them... You eventually will get through...

Currently I am finding myself slowly go through this process and it really does get easier to handle. Not immediately even I am far from through, but I know God knows and I know that he is making me a mature, wiser person and a winner and lover of all people. And I know there is the potential inside me to do the right thing so I will get there. By His Grace, with him... Hope you have learnt something from this and if not life may eventually teach you it too :)


Love,
Chandré