Long overdue Update with no Particular Point

As I walk, work, talk, go through things words go through my head and I think I should write it down, but I just don't... :)

And now that I am sitting down to write I don't remember what those words were either...

So I decided that I'm just going to write whatever comes to my mind write now, so that at least you or I the reader has some inkling into my world at this time...

For the past few years, there has been immense breakthroughs in terms of being able to get closer to God and learning exactly how that works, and if you know me, you would know that was always my heart, the Real Thing! To Know Him... I've also been immensely lonely in recent times, because I've stopped the running after, and the sorting out, that I've done all the years and new emotions have filtered through, like Anger... no one believes me, but I did not know what it was to be angry before and I really don't know how to handle it when I feel that little tingling while I am talking or someone is talking or a situation is escalating and I cannot do anything to change it... I have not yet boiled over/seen red/blamed the other, but what feels like helplessness, now doesn't lead to me crying and beating myself up, but as I said anger! And occasionally depending on who voicing it... Then while I am feeling the tingling, I don't know what to do... I can tell myself to relax, but in my head I know the situation is still unresolved so how do I relax, most recently I offered up a little prayer "Lord please take this anger" Other people who do experience anger, that I ask, act like it is a normal emotion and perhaps it is a normal emotion, but it really is not normal for me just yet, and I worry that I am sinning, I worry that I don't know how to handle the tingling and will become like others, BUT, I also believe that God will teach me or lead me, or as I dig in to him, I will start learning how to douse the flames perhaps with His presence, I don't know. One thing I do know at the moment I am religion-full "dik", so the idea of hearing an answer 3 points to handle anger does not appeal to me at all, I don't want to just control through trying to control myself and then realise actually beneath all the control ("sin management") my heart has not changed, I still am struggling with what I am struggling with... What I think is happening to me is... All the years I dealt with hurts by blaming myself, when I realised it's not all my fault, I cannot blame myself anymore, so now seeing lots of situations for what they are and not knowing how to fix it, and also maybe this is self righteous of me, but because its not how I think or treat people for the most part, I cannot understand why people would do what they do or say what they say or not do what they say or should do, or just simply feeling like no one gives a hoot about me anyway, anger creeps in me. (no the no one gives a hoot is still more painful than it is frustrating)... Anyway so these are all the things that have been in my head mixed with amazing moments of Amazing love... Someone told me Saturday Past, I am God's Favourite and He really Enjoys me, that really touched my heart. I've heard it before, I believed it before, but I think in this time it really touched my heart... And I think I also understood, although I don't think Loneliness is a good thing, AT ALL, but I must say in my loneliness, I have not not experienced God's tangible love...wow, in this season I have felt his presence like in a moment.... whereas I remember the years of feeling nothing!

So with all the stuff I said, I believe God is doing a new thing and things will work out, I have started the read the bible in 3 months thing again as I thought about checking when it started in may yesterday then saw it starts today...Lets see what will happen this time round!!!

Ammmmaazing.