mmmmeeee again....

where would I be, if not for your grace...
Oh tell me where would I be if not for your grace...
(singing that now)

Yoh Lord, You are so faithful. Really You are. I know I dont fill this blog with all the detail so I guess people dont always know just exactly what I am getting excited about but Lord, you are so faithful. Where would I be if not for your grace.

Today started hectic again...(I'm not going to blog yesterdays aches and pains) because cause God's grace restored and redeemed it and released me to worship...

But By God's grace I made it through!!! Today the bank lady called me and said if I don't pay R700 and something by Saturday, they are taking me to the legal department... That weighed heavy for that moment and I felt bit nauseas to be honest, and was already on my way to help with final carnival arrangements. Spoke to my bro Shaun on the way about what to do? And he kinda helped me get some perspective... My life coach :) or practical coach. Find my ID so I can register for Sars. Also got more tips later, to go and apply for UIF. And From Justines Mom, to really talk to my Dad about it and if he wants to bless me through my parents I must receive that just to really trust God, in this to remind me of his word...

"We ask you to come, we ask you to come, we ask you to come... come on and open up our hearts come and break our hearts agian with the things that break yours... We empty ourselves of ourselves.."

Sunday - Freedom Day's Breakthrough :) LOL... I dont care if there are sensitive readers on here I will just be straight. Didnt get my periods since December Last. My mom's response in April when I realised was " Mother Maryyyy! " lol. Anyway I have been worrying about the cause, thinking it may be stress duh, or the fact that I wished at Sun City I wont get it, or the fact that I didnt take my tablets,(yes again), I even went up for prayer once about it. Anyway on Sunday Pastor preached about Shouting for Victory, the walls of Jericho coming down. We sang one of my favourite songs....

Just one of us can put a thousand to flight
And two of us can set the legions fleeing
Just one of us can put a thousand to flight
And two of us can route evil principalities

For there are many of us here,
declaring the name of the Lord
And in his name we declare
Our victory in spiritual war
We bind the powers of the air
by wielding the word as our Sword

(if I didnt get that entirely right, dont mind me)

After that we shouted and the walls came tumbling down. I dont know what was wrogn with me but after church I got my periods, for the first time since December I trust that whatever the root was that I am also free of that...

I am redeemed, I am redeemed!

Tomorrow is day one of the carnival. I am quite excited. We making History, It's goign to be hectic, busy,etc but good... God I pray that you really impact the lives of people and youth tomorrow in Jesus Name!

"with long life, You will satisfy me...
When I call on you will answer..."
"I will live and not die!"

hectic time...

to conclude...

after that listened to Joyce Meyer, and really had a heart change. "Only God can change people, you can wish for them to change, tell them, pray for them, but only God can change them" secondly when we keep facing the same issues God wants us to resist the devil by resisting to act like the devil and submitting to God in that moment. the devil sets us up to be upset and will keep pushing us to react like him, but God allows it, to test us, and as we submit to Him in that moment, we will have victory and grow in Him. So in terms of family. God calls me to Love and I will submit to God and love the way God calls me to love, forgiving them, but also being pateiont, and not expecting things on my terms and in my love language... Will add more again...

Just wanna mention my hectic week, days...

tuesday finished project went to tech didnt eat till got to meeting about 7PM at Pastors place... Wed, hectic as well, trying to remember what happened but had meeting again the night at pastors place. Thursday left again and got to eat on train for the first time the night at 5h30 PM, yesterday left again the morning,wanting to have a croissont, then bought junk 1 the afternoon so in case I dont get a chance to eat again , (I didnt till the night after we did our handout at t youth) Today, left again without eating.... it's been so hectic! today I went to a funeral till 12 in Kraaifontein, got stuck without petrol so that took another 30 min, rushed home to get Danelle to take her in dance in Goodwood, then back to Kraaifontein to take 2 Drayc team members to carnival in Malibu, Eerste River, left there about 5 took them back to Kraaifontein, lingered a bit there at worship practice and went in by Davina, Dalene them, then back to Kuils River to Candice's party which was very much fun even though I thought I'd be tired, all resistance crumbled...

As for you God, man I've been so busy to have proper qt, but in the midst of the business you have been speaking to me and I thank you for that.Thank You for your presence, and thank you for making the ground roots work real...Also thanks for what you taught me today at the funeral of Caylin about complaining.

Father I ask that you would continue to be my refuge and my fortress, protect, heal and love me more in Jesus name. Change me and I will change the world...

Chan

of course there is always 2 sides to a coin...

...

God, one day you must please explain to me why i desire affection from people who arent able to express that to me. i've been wondering today if this is how you felt when you were rejected. somehow i cant seem to think that could be so because i imagine you to be strong, with a healthy self image, who knew who He was. And my desiring affection from man is one of still growing in seeking acceptance in Christ only. And yet I've been also wondering why you wept when Lazarus died. When you knew that you would raise him. And I think today you are answering that for me, that despite knowing who you are and what you can do, you still have feelings. So perhaps you can relate to what I am feeling today.

It would be nice if people were happy to see me. But instead it's like it's hard for people to love me close up. At a distance, or even in another house maybe. Oops I'm sorry I dont mean love. I dont mean love. I mean the expression of love. Not the "You must know we love you". The smile, the courtesy, conversation? a willingness to work at and sort out issues? A hug so now and then that i dont ask for.

I know others have gone through so much worse than me, so why am i crying about this.
(oh here comes the song that got me thru some dark nights, I guess the timing means God is saying something- I dont have to cry anymore... You did that for me."

I'm also wondering if it was a good idea to put these words down, i dont want this honesty to lead to me believing things will never change, cause till now I've been hoping and hoping for change and I dont want to give up. Secondly. I know that our battle is not against flesh and blood so I dont want the enemy to widen the wedge..

Father your word has promised me a lot in terms of this situation... me and my family will be saved. Father, Love always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres...
And i definitely dont want this issues to pass on to the next generation.

So please Father will you continue to allow your spirit of reconciliation, love, forgiveness and perseverance work in this house in Jesus name

amen

part 2

just continuing to find myself in You Lord...

Wow God, you came through for me...Thank You for the test :)

cntd...

And then you ask yourself...

Is this the test they were speaking about at ENLI on Tues. Cause everyone around me is being tested, I've noticed too. And lastly, my weaknesses and others are different. So I cannot hold their weaknesses against them, it's up to me to whether I receive it or reject it, and perhaps pray for them... Instead of Defending myself.

Anyway Lord, you teach me here.

feeling boxed in...

maybe not the best time to blog...as perhaps this is just an attack of the enemy and a bit of procrastination on my side.

But just felt today extra aware of criticism. And I've been able to just brush it off in the past, the if the shoe fits philosophy, but there comes a point where it just gets frustrating, because dont people see that labelling is wrong? Or rather if I have not treated you that way why are you doing it to me? And I know it isnt personal because it's not just me that it happens to, and I'm being over sensitive or cant I take a joke, and even how can I expect people not to think something of me if thats all that I show them, but, as I told someone else before I really wish people would stop putting a fullstop at the end of the sentence of their relationship with me and knowledge of me, and instead add a comma? Resolve to discover me instead of define me. Man, I cant even define myself... Maybe that is asking too much. Perhaps I am doing the very thing that I'm expecting some not to do to others? But it's just how i feel now, and then if it happens once, I'm more aware of it happening again, and perhaps the next person made one small comment and then I reacted and they cant understand. And I dont agree that it's right for me to react...
But as I said for today, just cut me some slack. I'm already having to pep talk myself, and really work on my identity in Christ, Why should I have to still defend myself to others, esp christians. I shouldnt but yet I do, which tells me that I care what people think too much. I suppose as they say you dont pray about identity and not expect to be challenged in that very area... I'm saying all these, but I really believe that my answers and breakthrough will come in his presence and seeking His face, so Lord I know you will strengthen me. Like I learnt at Israel, If I know who I am, and that I am his, then small comments shouldnt get to me.

On another note. also feeling very frustrated with some of the wrong in me. E.g saying you love people but you havent visited your 96 year old neighbour who will be moving away soon and who apparantly isnt so happy anymore! And I just never get to it. Loving the irritating? (Love being expressed, not just saying I do). Fighting with my sister... Feeling like others cause some of the situations I respond to yet, that is not a reason to respond wrong! I hope this is not merely worldly sorrow but Godly

I need to pray but find myself thinking all these thoughts.

My God. You have searched me and You know me
You know when I sit and when I rise
You know my coming and my lying down
You perceive my thoughts from afar
Even before a word is on my tongue you know it completely

(sorry if words slightly wrong...from memory)

Search my heart O God
See if there is any iniquity in me
and lead me in the way everlasting...

"I need You Lord,
I need You Lord.
right now..."