feeling boxed in...

maybe not the best time to blog...as perhaps this is just an attack of the enemy and a bit of procrastination on my side.

But just felt today extra aware of criticism. And I've been able to just brush it off in the past, the if the shoe fits philosophy, but there comes a point where it just gets frustrating, because dont people see that labelling is wrong? Or rather if I have not treated you that way why are you doing it to me? And I know it isnt personal because it's not just me that it happens to, and I'm being over sensitive or cant I take a joke, and even how can I expect people not to think something of me if thats all that I show them, but, as I told someone else before I really wish people would stop putting a fullstop at the end of the sentence of their relationship with me and knowledge of me, and instead add a comma? Resolve to discover me instead of define me. Man, I cant even define myself... Maybe that is asking too much. Perhaps I am doing the very thing that I'm expecting some not to do to others? But it's just how i feel now, and then if it happens once, I'm more aware of it happening again, and perhaps the next person made one small comment and then I reacted and they cant understand. And I dont agree that it's right for me to react...
But as I said for today, just cut me some slack. I'm already having to pep talk myself, and really work on my identity in Christ, Why should I have to still defend myself to others, esp christians. I shouldnt but yet I do, which tells me that I care what people think too much. I suppose as they say you dont pray about identity and not expect to be challenged in that very area... I'm saying all these, but I really believe that my answers and breakthrough will come in his presence and seeking His face, so Lord I know you will strengthen me. Like I learnt at Israel, If I know who I am, and that I am his, then small comments shouldnt get to me.

On another note. also feeling very frustrated with some of the wrong in me. E.g saying you love people but you havent visited your 96 year old neighbour who will be moving away soon and who apparantly isnt so happy anymore! And I just never get to it. Loving the irritating? (Love being expressed, not just saying I do). Fighting with my sister... Feeling like others cause some of the situations I respond to yet, that is not a reason to respond wrong! I hope this is not merely worldly sorrow but Godly

I need to pray but find myself thinking all these thoughts.

My God. You have searched me and You know me
You know when I sit and when I rise
You know my coming and my lying down
You perceive my thoughts from afar
Even before a word is on my tongue you know it completely

(sorry if words slightly wrong...from memory)

Search my heart O God
See if there is any iniquity in me
and lead me in the way everlasting...

"I need You Lord,
I need You Lord.
right now..."