mmmmeeee again....

where would I be, if not for your grace...
Oh tell me where would I be if not for your grace...
(singing that now)

Yoh Lord, You are so faithful. Really You are. I know I dont fill this blog with all the detail so I guess people dont always know just exactly what I am getting excited about but Lord, you are so faithful. Where would I be if not for your grace.

Today started hectic again...(I'm not going to blog yesterdays aches and pains) because cause God's grace restored and redeemed it and released me to worship...

But By God's grace I made it through!!! Today the bank lady called me and said if I don't pay R700 and something by Saturday, they are taking me to the legal department... That weighed heavy for that moment and I felt bit nauseas to be honest, and was already on my way to help with final carnival arrangements. Spoke to my bro Shaun on the way about what to do? And he kinda helped me get some perspective... My life coach :) or practical coach. Find my ID so I can register for Sars. Also got more tips later, to go and apply for UIF. And From Justines Mom, to really talk to my Dad about it and if he wants to bless me through my parents I must receive that just to really trust God, in this to remind me of his word...

"We ask you to come, we ask you to come, we ask you to come... come on and open up our hearts come and break our hearts agian with the things that break yours... We empty ourselves of ourselves.."

Sunday - Freedom Day's Breakthrough :) LOL... I dont care if there are sensitive readers on here I will just be straight. Didnt get my periods since December Last. My mom's response in April when I realised was " Mother Maryyyy! " lol. Anyway I have been worrying about the cause, thinking it may be stress duh, or the fact that I wished at Sun City I wont get it, or the fact that I didnt take my tablets,(yes again), I even went up for prayer once about it. Anyway on Sunday Pastor preached about Shouting for Victory, the walls of Jericho coming down. We sang one of my favourite songs....

Just one of us can put a thousand to flight
And two of us can set the legions fleeing
Just one of us can put a thousand to flight
And two of us can route evil principalities

For there are many of us here,
declaring the name of the Lord
And in his name we declare
Our victory in spiritual war
We bind the powers of the air
by wielding the word as our Sword

(if I didnt get that entirely right, dont mind me)

After that we shouted and the walls came tumbling down. I dont know what was wrogn with me but after church I got my periods, for the first time since December I trust that whatever the root was that I am also free of that...

I am redeemed, I am redeemed!

Tomorrow is day one of the carnival. I am quite excited. We making History, It's goign to be hectic, busy,etc but good... God I pray that you really impact the lives of people and youth tomorrow in Jesus Name!

"with long life, You will satisfy me...
When I call on you will answer..."
"I will live and not die!"

hectic time...

to conclude...

after that listened to Joyce Meyer, and really had a heart change. "Only God can change people, you can wish for them to change, tell them, pray for them, but only God can change them" secondly when we keep facing the same issues God wants us to resist the devil by resisting to act like the devil and submitting to God in that moment. the devil sets us up to be upset and will keep pushing us to react like him, but God allows it, to test us, and as we submit to Him in that moment, we will have victory and grow in Him. So in terms of family. God calls me to Love and I will submit to God and love the way God calls me to love, forgiving them, but also being pateiont, and not expecting things on my terms and in my love language... Will add more again...

Just wanna mention my hectic week, days...

tuesday finished project went to tech didnt eat till got to meeting about 7PM at Pastors place... Wed, hectic as well, trying to remember what happened but had meeting again the night at pastors place. Thursday left again and got to eat on train for the first time the night at 5h30 PM, yesterday left again the morning,wanting to have a croissont, then bought junk 1 the afternoon so in case I dont get a chance to eat again , (I didnt till the night after we did our handout at t youth) Today, left again without eating.... it's been so hectic! today I went to a funeral till 12 in Kraaifontein, got stuck without petrol so that took another 30 min, rushed home to get Danelle to take her in dance in Goodwood, then back to Kraaifontein to take 2 Drayc team members to carnival in Malibu, Eerste River, left there about 5 took them back to Kraaifontein, lingered a bit there at worship practice and went in by Davina, Dalene them, then back to Kuils River to Candice's party which was very much fun even though I thought I'd be tired, all resistance crumbled...

As for you God, man I've been so busy to have proper qt, but in the midst of the business you have been speaking to me and I thank you for that.Thank You for your presence, and thank you for making the ground roots work real...Also thanks for what you taught me today at the funeral of Caylin about complaining.

Father I ask that you would continue to be my refuge and my fortress, protect, heal and love me more in Jesus name. Change me and I will change the world...

Chan

of course there is always 2 sides to a coin...

...

God, one day you must please explain to me why i desire affection from people who arent able to express that to me. i've been wondering today if this is how you felt when you were rejected. somehow i cant seem to think that could be so because i imagine you to be strong, with a healthy self image, who knew who He was. And my desiring affection from man is one of still growing in seeking acceptance in Christ only. And yet I've been also wondering why you wept when Lazarus died. When you knew that you would raise him. And I think today you are answering that for me, that despite knowing who you are and what you can do, you still have feelings. So perhaps you can relate to what I am feeling today.

It would be nice if people were happy to see me. But instead it's like it's hard for people to love me close up. At a distance, or even in another house maybe. Oops I'm sorry I dont mean love. I dont mean love. I mean the expression of love. Not the "You must know we love you". The smile, the courtesy, conversation? a willingness to work at and sort out issues? A hug so now and then that i dont ask for.

I know others have gone through so much worse than me, so why am i crying about this.
(oh here comes the song that got me thru some dark nights, I guess the timing means God is saying something- I dont have to cry anymore... You did that for me."

I'm also wondering if it was a good idea to put these words down, i dont want this honesty to lead to me believing things will never change, cause till now I've been hoping and hoping for change and I dont want to give up. Secondly. I know that our battle is not against flesh and blood so I dont want the enemy to widen the wedge..

Father your word has promised me a lot in terms of this situation... me and my family will be saved. Father, Love always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres...
And i definitely dont want this issues to pass on to the next generation.

So please Father will you continue to allow your spirit of reconciliation, love, forgiveness and perseverance work in this house in Jesus name

amen

part 2

just continuing to find myself in You Lord...

Wow God, you came through for me...Thank You for the test :)

cntd...

And then you ask yourself...

Is this the test they were speaking about at ENLI on Tues. Cause everyone around me is being tested, I've noticed too. And lastly, my weaknesses and others are different. So I cannot hold their weaknesses against them, it's up to me to whether I receive it or reject it, and perhaps pray for them... Instead of Defending myself.

Anyway Lord, you teach me here.

feeling boxed in...

maybe not the best time to blog...as perhaps this is just an attack of the enemy and a bit of procrastination on my side.

But just felt today extra aware of criticism. And I've been able to just brush it off in the past, the if the shoe fits philosophy, but there comes a point where it just gets frustrating, because dont people see that labelling is wrong? Or rather if I have not treated you that way why are you doing it to me? And I know it isnt personal because it's not just me that it happens to, and I'm being over sensitive or cant I take a joke, and even how can I expect people not to think something of me if thats all that I show them, but, as I told someone else before I really wish people would stop putting a fullstop at the end of the sentence of their relationship with me and knowledge of me, and instead add a comma? Resolve to discover me instead of define me. Man, I cant even define myself... Maybe that is asking too much. Perhaps I am doing the very thing that I'm expecting some not to do to others? But it's just how i feel now, and then if it happens once, I'm more aware of it happening again, and perhaps the next person made one small comment and then I reacted and they cant understand. And I dont agree that it's right for me to react...
But as I said for today, just cut me some slack. I'm already having to pep talk myself, and really work on my identity in Christ, Why should I have to still defend myself to others, esp christians. I shouldnt but yet I do, which tells me that I care what people think too much. I suppose as they say you dont pray about identity and not expect to be challenged in that very area... I'm saying all these, but I really believe that my answers and breakthrough will come in his presence and seeking His face, so Lord I know you will strengthen me. Like I learnt at Israel, If I know who I am, and that I am his, then small comments shouldnt get to me.

On another note. also feeling very frustrated with some of the wrong in me. E.g saying you love people but you havent visited your 96 year old neighbour who will be moving away soon and who apparantly isnt so happy anymore! And I just never get to it. Loving the irritating? (Love being expressed, not just saying I do). Fighting with my sister... Feeling like others cause some of the situations I respond to yet, that is not a reason to respond wrong! I hope this is not merely worldly sorrow but Godly

I need to pray but find myself thinking all these thoughts.

My God. You have searched me and You know me
You know when I sit and when I rise
You know my coming and my lying down
You perceive my thoughts from afar
Even before a word is on my tongue you know it completely

(sorry if words slightly wrong...from memory)

Search my heart O God
See if there is any iniquity in me
and lead me in the way everlasting...

"I need You Lord,
I need You Lord.
right now..."

my day...

What a lovely day...It's great when you can say that at the end of the day when it's been one of those days where halfway through you thought you weren't going to make it. I think God you are teaching me to eat some humble pie...And really get a revelation of trusting you.

Had R20 to my name, money that I had paid into my credit card about last week but am now drawing it out, and then planned to use that to buy a train ticket to town and come home with Lesley after bibleschool. Was concerned about my meeting with Marlon at 12 as well as how I would get to tech tomorrow which is now today :)

Yesterday (Monday) we had a great leaders meeting, 10 minutes of praying in tongues, enough to let you know something is really happening in the spiritual realm and make you wonder what will be happening this week. But then today when I thought of all my problems, that nervous feeling came again. Anyway... God came through. Lesley told me she is going to bibleschool from Kuils River and then coming back home so I could go with her. My dad sent me to drop off something at Pen Tech (CPUT Bellville) and gave me R100 petrol, which now equals my petrol money for tomorrow. And my mom offered to fill my tank...So in a sense, petrol will not be a worry for a time to come...

I wonder why I stress, when God has so faithfully come through for me over and over and over...

I had a revelation after last nights meeting that if we can just become aware of His Holiness, and get in His presence, for the sake of just seeking His face, and not His hand, but just for who is in , therein lies the strength to face what we have to, the solution to our questions and even the birth and fruition of our dreams or even unknown to us but known to God desires. Instead of just worrying, Yes I am being real to you God, but I guess you want to see my faith. The same faith that allows me to get parking at shopping malls or the winning of my favourite rugby teams. Why can I trust you for that but not for bigger things, but again it's about getting a revelation of who you are, just humbling and quietening myself in your presence. Bringing my very life before you.

Went to tech, we didnt really have class, so joined Lesley and Bernie :) in their lecture, it was about discipleship, the heart of it, and also foundations.

Again the same word was given. We will be tested and will we respond in Fear or in Faith!...

Time for bed 1 AM. :( Tempted to read the Long Road to Freedom further, but it's late, have so much for this week including a test :(...But where is my faith.

prayer...

Father so much word, so much thoughts, so much times of experiencing your presence. So many attempts to get it right, to start over, to try again, to work at the things I must, to be obedient, to have discipline, to keep the focus. Lord I really pray that in this season that I trully will do the things you are expecting of me, because it is my desire to be pleasing unto you. Thank you Lord, that you really have a special plan for my life and i can trust you.

Love you Lord
Chan

Blessed out of my socks

had a nice economical supper with a friend that i didnt pay for at all. Firstly bought cooldrink at picknpay, therefore parking was free for 1h30. Then bought rolls and R10's chips at Checkers, mmm. I got blessed with a sale book of Cum Bookstores on prayer, only R20. Then went to Canal Wok to speak to the lady there while my friend was on the phone and because I said I dont really like Asian food, while chatting to her she surprised me with Sweet and Sour Chicken Stirfry, Which I admit was GOOD! And will be praying for her too. Also got blessed with a ticket to the rugby...

blessed, blessed, blessed :)

Oh I forgot, drove straight to the entrance as usual a car 3 spots away from entrance pulled out and the one next to. no looking for parking just favour

Thank You Lord for teaching me that you are involved in my life even though I'm not all sorted out, You are faithful and even just pour out your blessings on me.

Even though yesterday I went to bed at 3am, sort of punishing myself, I didnt have pain this mornign, my eyes seem normal, it's almost 11PM and I'm not falling asleep.
Not that 3 is Ok, but even on a day like that you still bless me regardless...

You just teaching me to trust and lean on You even more. Lord its not easy for me to sometimes let go of the worry, but Lord with you I can face anything, "You make me Soar like an Eagle, Your love lifts me higher than high, In victory!" and Lord just change me from the inside out in Jesus Name :) Your wonderful name Jesus

Chan

thoughts about this world after taking a sneak peak at tyrabanks inside...

This world is all about extremes.

In the past people werent speaking about sex at all and it did lead to a lot of undercover issues, So now to correct that wrong, it's now All About Sex! Everything you watch, read, people speak about...Even tiny below the belt jokes in Shrek! That cant be good either, actually it isnt good! Cause even kids are asking and even making comments like they know what it's like, so what do they want to do when they grow up. And even if they had made a stance, it's difficult to hold on when you told when where how,all the time.

Again, I take our country's "FREEDOM", in the past things were taboo, wrong,restricted, measured, to even the colour of your skin, and even then your colour could be right so it was the straightness of your hair or size of your nostrils that determined, where you stay, where you can eat, which beach you can swim in, what time of night you can still be walking around, In fact, regardless of who you are, your colour could have labelled you as a criminal. There was lots of other restrictions too. So now in the name of Freedom, the government is now allowing anything and everything. And having the attitude of whats right for you is different to whats right for me, and so get with the program, allow everything and if you have a problem with it you are " "phobic. In fact holding to the values of old even before the old government is a problem - Marriage, Abstainance, the value of life... As someone told me before. Freedom isnt the power to do whatever you want it's the power to do whats right. Before people couldnt do whats right, because they were in bondage by the law and now have the freedom to do whats right and fix what was wrong, but instead by legalizing, promoting and tweaking every single law that used to be taboo, e.g allowing teenagers under legal age to commit abortions even without parental permission... :(

And kids are going out there believing things because the government says so, and even says dont let anyone tell you cause it's your life, your body, your choices... But just in case you didnt get that we will bombard you with messages reminding you of all your options, (yes i know it's too "prevent people from having backstreet abortions") but it's so difficult for those who live for ageold biblical principles to stand even in school when what they believe is constantly being told is wrong...

Anyway...To the teen or confused, or seeking person reading this. Remember it's all about balance. It's not 2 extremes...

In the past you werent allowed to be gay, now you may be, but in fact you can challenge, norms that have been there forever (marriage) and get it changed. If you choose to be gay that is your choice, but by doing the above you are too enforcing your choices on my life.

Back to what I started to say above. Guys dont believe everything you see, read, hear even if it's from the government. Yes, they are there to lead, but above that should be the bible and your own mind and reasoning. In the past someone told people the bible says that there are whites and blacks and whites are somehow better and a whole generation or more believed it, in the name of Christianity, without going to verify and sit with their own bible, the Lord, and their own mind, and think what do I think in light of what my bible is telling me. Perhaps Apartheid would not have happened. The same goes for now. There may be no apartheid now, but what is happening now that we are just accepting, without questioning because the government said so, so its must be right. If you call yourself Christian, Please I urge you read your bible, find out for yourself what the Word of God says and stand upon that. In fact it says everything else will pass away but only this word will remain.

If there is anything that I've said that offends you because you are that person practicing it...Example you've had an abortion, or are homosexual. The fact that I am disagreeing with your lifestyle does not mean that I hate you, or am scared of what you practising or even that I will not be your friend. I will but agree to disagree according to the word of God. Judgement, means condemning if to the unbeliever and that is not my place. However it does say if a person claims to be christian you can hold them accountable or even just ask why they do what they do, this is not condemning to hell. (And why does that word hell always come up so much)

It's not first and foremost about not going to hell, it's about the Love of God, who changes us from the inside out. He accepts us the way we are, but at the same time he gives us the freedom to do whats right according to His word, so as we walk with him, we change...

Ok So I realise that I sounded frustrated above, but it's just becuase of the stuff we are too constantly bombarded with. But the bottom line is me, you whoever we are, we need to be defined and aligned to the word of God. We need to read it and understand it for ourselves and from there as we by grace through faith, allow this Living God to teach us His ways, and submit we find the strength we need to be who He has called us to be. And what he Calls us affects everything, our view of love, relationships, obedience, sexuality, personality, values, morals, etc.etc...

And that counts for me too.

update to be updated

Starting to read Faith Enough to Finish that I started reading over 4 years ago and belongs to Janine my ex hairdresser...

Advice for the day:
Dont Feed it...

Hymns and Old songs I like

alot of these are either songs from my old church the choir songs, hymns from the Sing Hosanna and songs from the living praise book...

Living praise:
I trust in thee O God...My times are in your hands
no.111 - It only takes a spark
(maybe abba Father)
How Great Thou Art
I surrender all
Trust and Obey
What a friend we have in Jesus

Sing Hosanna:

And can it be, that I should gain
Guide me O, Thou Great Jehovah
Easter Hymns ( When I survey, and There is a green Hill faraway)


Other

I cannot tell why He whom angels worship

First Kuils River Youth - 4 April 2008

Was pretty Great, 19 youth pitched of the Kuils River Youth
and then Kraaifontein joined us... :)

I think the youth really got the message about thinking about who they are, how others see them and how they can bring out the things they want people to see in them, and how they can live out these things again in youth.

And on top of that God has yet again blessed us, the manager of McD's said we can have the kiddies room whenever we want to and there's not kiddies party and we dont even need to buy anything...Wow. God, You are amazing!

Chan