Thankfulness... and last day of 2012

So on my second last day of 2012, (Sun 30 December) I was in the pit of all pits, after feeling for a while like my life is not making sense, and if this is a movie about my life you would not like the end of it. Was feeling lonely, aware of all my weaknesses, shortcomings and failures, and struggling to connect with God too...

Asked a friend to join me the night to pray, and another friend contacted me in the middle of me going through a slump, and so I said she should come over, she came over and we prayed, and this was the beginning of things changing. My mentor also invited me to join her in 2 days of thankfulness (with other things, not going to write on here till it's over) and she told me about Bill Johnson's book Strengthen yourself in the Lord, and I figured, he may have preached about gratitude in one of his strenght sermons that I have.
I found one, and it was all about worshipping God in the midst of the situation that you going through, and not for the situation, but for who He is. Not just worshiping when you have breakthru, but not for breakthrough too, but because he is worthy. Not because of who I am, but because of Who He is.

This made a lot of sense, because I was sulking and complaining because of my unworthiness... And the result was pushing me further away from God. So I started praising God, for who he is... And that has changed everything, I went to bed smiling, I woke up smiling...I am full of faith for the future and I am trusting. Thank You Lord. For who you are...

I don't know if I will make a thousand, but will begin on Some - inspired by: http://www.benijohnson.blogspot.com/2011/04/1000-things-to-be-thankful-for.html
Gonna go for 100 today (#ok will continue if I want to...)

I am thankful:

1. For who you are, Lord
2. For Your  faithfulness towards me
3. For Grace
4. For Judy
5. For Liz's intervention yesterday
6. For Maria and Aunty Jose
7. For my mom's consistant being there for me
8. For Danelle winning Miss Congeniality
9. For Nicole's gentleness and care
10. For my Father putting Christ first
11. For his health
12. For my Job
13. For a bonus
14. For new friends through my collegues
15. For Adolf and our friendship and sharing
16. For the great awesome birthday/christmas gifts got from him
17. For the joy of giving others presents, esp this year having money to give them
18. For the christmas party in Elsies
19. For the sweet children and that girl who said thank you so humbly
20. For Audrey's Mom's heartfelt prayer
21. For strength to keep giving
22. For provision to give
23. For being able to move out
24. For winetasting at Zevenwacht on Saturday
25. For chiprolls
26. For the 2 kilos I lost, for drinking water and walking and enjoying it
27. For grace to be more health concious
28. For awesome holy spirit and love of God times when East London team was here
29. For my dream being interpreted when Bethel team was here
30. For growing in spiritual warfare and deliverence when bethel was here
31. For learning about releasing healing and commanding sickness to Go
32. For awesome community in hop times
33. For Stephanie and Gershwin getting married
34. For funny moments and being able to laugh at it, e.g. mailing the whole work place
35. For seeing zebras mate and going on a game drive at Buffelsfontein
36. For Heidi
37. For prayertimes at work as collegues
38. For seeing Ruth and Sveva this year!
39. For new lifesaver friends, Vilana and Renaldo
40. For Vilana getting saved!
41. For some breakthrough for Ilze
42. For Ammy getting saved and adding to our lives, and God just constantly intervening
43. For being able to buy a monitor
44. For dealing with the mouse/or attempting to however hard it was
45. For learning to enjoy new foods, and buy my own cheese and stuff
46. For the specials and awesome christmas trimmings
47. For Ps Wolfgang from EN London's sermon reminding me about Jesus himself
48. For a change from night to day from yesterday to today
49. For the praise and joy in my heart
50. For awesome Bethel cd's, sermons, and meeting teams and being challenged in my own bedrooms
51. For praying more in tongues this year
52. For making stew and food I havent made before
53. For having at times all sorts of meet in my fridge
54. For Mcdonalds breakfasts
55. For going to Sun City and good family time
56. For grace in family relationships
57. For mom and dad transforming my place into a more livable place
58. For seeing God speak to me through dreams
59. For growing relationships with some people in Church, Ps bev, michael, etc
60. For breakthrough's in intimacy as a church
61. For Jenny Ah Chong's cd :)
62. For Jenn Johnsons passionate worship, Glimpse - Jason Upton, and Heaven invading Earth
63. For work not being too technical and being able to understand
64. For passing my ITIL despite all my procrastination
65. For God helping me have rythm at staff party
66. For healing a work relationship
67. For favour in workplace with people here and abroad
68. For Morrisons chocolate
69. For Italian chocolate Sveva came
70. For being able to serve, hang with Maria, Ruth and Debs mom, and taste pudim de leite
71. For beginning of year  awesome times with deborah and her being here when I got the job
72. For being able to attend Ruth and Herschel's wedding, and peaceful Mosselbay time
73. For going away for the first time for a weekend away with big group of friends (dont mean a holiday in the past)
74. For my hair finally coming right
75. For being asked to be a partner
76. For learning lots
77. For experiencing Your presence
78. For winning the chopping board
79. For provision in the little,e.g gifts like shower jel which comes handy.
80. For awesome gifts too from friends, wine glasses, etc...
81. For nice times with clayton, tania, sam and carlo and judy
82. For great times with Selina, liz, lezah, anthea, etc..
83. For being able to go and experience new places, Darling, Franschoek, Paarl
84. For random bored Sunday moments with Renaldo, Vilana, etc
85. For flying in the aeroplane and the girl I met
86. For health! No flu this year
87. For little signposts that I am where I am meant to be at work
88. For the night of the Lloyds at HOP
89. For my awesome birthday experience at surfside, the grace on the whole day, relationships, food, everything...
90. For good steak!
91. For improving family relationships
92. For the simple joy of watching a movie in my place
93. For the simple pleasures of entertaining people or taking people on a tour of Kuils River
94. For the nice time at Zevenwacht with Shaheen and Judy and connections there
95. For releasing alot of the past church hurt
96. For Nicole getting a better Job and Danelle's life moving in a positive direction in terms of career and her passions
97. For some breakthrough for Ronelle too and Shakita passing
98. For being able to go to Paul Manwaring conference
99. For christmas message, purpose heart being special
100. For freedom!
101. For psychology sessions, and little miracles there too! Marius Falk
102. For Tina Engel friendship and outings
103. For closerness with Jodie
104. For my extended family Boonzaaier and De Wet and all special moments with them
105. For seeing Ilze Brown and Brent and his 21st
106. Zevenwacht Wine Farm
107. Mom's birthday
108. Boxed Canvas specials

lessons, lessons, lessons, or mirrors....

I say mirrors, because I'm not sure if I am learning anything except discovery.

Alot of issues have surfaced recently, things I've been working on for years, and not conquered, but now they are beginning to impact daily life, and I don't even know where to begin to fix it.

I'm not sure if these are occuring becuase my crutches are causing my life to fall apart, or if they are surfacing cause this is the season to deal with it.

It's largely around perception, confidence, eloquence, self image, fear of man, dealing with things in wrong way, etc, etc, etc.

I am on a journey of knowing who I am in Christ. I am learning how to rest.

At the same time the issues around not knowing who I am, is impacting in my interactions with people, so I have to deal with it, but how, when and how quickly.

grrrrr. or rest.? was resting but then grrr... happened.

Lord please keep leading me.

Search me O God, and know my heart,
Test me and know my anxious thoughts
See if there is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting...
Psalm 139

Kristy's Chinese Cabbage Salad

This is so I never lose it. One of the greatest things about missions, is getting to taste other people's food. I never realised Canadians have so much culture, and enjoy such tasty food. But that is for another blog. For now I would just like to put the Chinese Cabbage Salad recipe my friend from Canada made. So that when I need the recipe it is not far away.

Ingredients

Cabbage (half or 1 depending on how much want to make)
1 packet of 2 minute noodles - chicken flavoured
1/2 cup sesame seeds (optional)
1/4 cup margarine

(kristy doesnt always measure sesame seeds and margarine)

Method

Cut cabbage in crisp strips. and put in bowl.

Brown noodles, sesame seed and soup mix (from 2min noodles) in margarine  in pan/pot.

Stir the noodles mix and cabbage together and cool.

Just before serving, add dressing.


Dressing:

1/2 cup oil
1/4 vinegar
1/3 cup sugar
1 Tbsp soya sauce

The Heart Prayer

Oh Lord You have searched me and You know me,
You know when I sit and when I rise,
You perceive my thoughts from afar....

Search Me O God, and know my heart.
Test me and know my anxious thoughts...
See if there is any offensive way in me
And lead me in the way everlasting....

I need you More...

I need You more,
more than yesterday
I need You Lord
More than words can say
I need You more
Than ever before
I need You Lord,
I need You Lord

More than the air I breathe
More than the song I sing
More than the next heartbeat
More than anything, and Lord as time goes by
I'll be by Your side
Cause I never want to go back to my old life

We give you the highest praise
We give you the highest praise
We give you the highest praise

More than the air I breathe
More than the song I sing
More than anything
I need You more
- Bethel Live

Wise words from Valerie Anderson in 2010

Better to blog this old e-mail than to keep it among 12 000 emails.

Sent by Tarryn to us after Namrock in 2010 by Valerie Anderson:

On Namrock this year I really felt pressed to share this stuff and so did. I believe it was God. If it turns out to be vastly theologically incorrect then either I got it wrong or popular theology did. I'm willing to take the risk, because I really believe this to be true....

I think there are a lot of lies, misconceptions, and false teachings that have gone on about Marriage and Singleness and so am very excited about speaking truth and life into those areas. Here goes: (Bullet points are just two things I said before the main part.)

1. I know that what I am going to say is not for everyone and there are some of you who are going to be sitting there and getting frustrated that it's "that" topic again. I would like to ask you as a part of your worship tonight that you keep quiet and put up with it because there are a lot of people here who are really struggling with this issue and hurting a lot over it.

2. As we were sitting worshipping after communion I looked around and got a huge sense of loneliness. As I looked around at that group at Namrock I saw a LOT of people who were very very lonely and hurting.

There have been two primary bad teachings about marriage and singleness which the church has been responsible for over the years. The Catholic church has tended to lift singleness up as more spiritual and something to be attained. Nuns and priests and monks have been honoured over the years, while marriage - still one of the sacraments - has often been portrayed as a weak capitulation to the "things of the flesh". Teachers of this view use Paul's writings on singleness a lot. On the other hand, the Protestant church has glorified and spiritualised marriage, lifiting it up as the pinnacle of relational living. Teachers here will draw, ironically, on Paul's teaching about husband's loving their wives as Christ loved the church. I think both of these extremes have done the church a huge disservice. I want to speak into the Protestant view. I strongly believe that truth needs to be spoken directly into this area to bring release from guilt, condemnation and bad teaching.

Firstly, marriage is not your reward. It is not the thing you get once you have reached an acceptable spiritual level, once your relationship with God is right, once you have dealt with all your junk. Well-meaning christians promote the marriage-as-reward view with comments like this, "Just keep praying..." "Focus on your relationship with God" "God is jealous and He wants you all to himself" "Only when God is your everything - your provider, comforter, and Husband - will he give you a spouse" "Maybe you need to be getting into the Word more/doing more quiet time/praying more/working on your relationship with Him before getting into other relationships". This is crap. Those are things that are not reserved for singles - married people should be doing them just as much! Marriage is not the thing you get when you have attained spiritual well-being and right relationship with God. This view is dangerous because 1. it puts married folk on a pedestal as the "ones who have arrived" - which believe me we are not! and 2. it puts single folk under an incredible amount of condemnation, guilt and worthlessness for not being "good enough" for a relationship. It condemns their relationship with God because, if you're not married, obviously you are doing something wrong and haven't earned a relationship yet. Once again, this is Crap. I have to say it that strongly because I really do believe that this is a HUGE lie taking down people in the church.

Secondly, a lot of people - naively and sometimes intentionally - teach that God will purposefully keep you in a place of singleness so that He can work on your character, teach you things, etc. Nonsense. I do not believe that God puts you in or keeps you in a place of singleness so that He can mold you. I do believe that in whatever place you are, God will work in that place and use the strengths of that circumstance to work in and through you. Yes, there are some things that would seem to be easier worked out while we are still single. But I can say this because if it were true that God keeps you single to work on you, then believe me I would still be single! There was a lot of stuff in my life before going into marriage that would have been much better worked out while I was alone. In fact, bringing it into marriage caused B and I a lot of pain and confusion, and was incredibly difficult. Singleness, according to the "working on your character" arguement ,would have been a much better place for all that to happen. But God did not keep me in that place til I or He had sorted it out - but in His incredible grace when I moved into marriage He still worked on it. You do not have to be single for God to be able to work on certain things in your life. But if you are - if that is the space you find yourself in now - then He will make use of that and work on those things. But He can do that just as well in marriage. He does not put you in or keep you in a place of singleness; He will work and use whatever place you are in to grow you.

This said, I have to say that marriage is wonderful. I love it. I am not trying to diss or put marriage down at all. If you desire marriage then by all means bring that continually before Him. But remember that marriage is not your reward and it is not something withheld until you tick all the boxes. Also, if you are in a place of singleness and you desire a relationship and to be married, do not live in the place of desire. Live in the place you are in. Live it to the full. Don't miss out on the incredible adventure and the wonderful things that being single allows you to do because you are longing to be somewhere else.

Favourite Hymn at the Moment: Here is Love....

Here is love, vast as the ocean,
Lovingkindness as the flood,
When the Prince of Life, our Ransom,
Shed for us His precious blood.
Who His love will not remember?
Who can cease to sing His praise?
He can never be forgotten,
Throughout Heav’n’s eternal days.

On the mount of crucifixion,
Fountains opened deep and wide;
Through the floodgates of God’s mercy
Flowed a vast and gracious tide.
Grace and love, like mighty rivers,
Poured incessant from above,
And Heav’n’s peace and perfect justice
Kissed a guilty world in love.

Let me all Thy love accepting,
Love Thee, ever all my days;
Let me seek Thy kingdom only
And my life be to Thy praise;
Thou alone shalt be my glory,
Nothing in the world I see.
Thou hast cleansed and sanctified me,
Thou Thyself hast set me free.

In Thy truth Thou dost direct me
By Thy Spirit through Thy Word;
And Thy grace my need is meeting,
As I trust in Thee, my Lord.
Of Thy fullness Thou art pouring
Thy great love and power on me,
Without measure, full and boundless,
Drawing out my heart to Thee.

Ponderings...

* needs, wants and desires

* the power of a mother

* seeing things for what they are:

10.The Mesmerizing Spirit-> Spirit that crosses the perfections with
the abominations. “Calling evil good and good evil” Isaiah 5:20
Woe to those who call evil good and good evil (Cross the wires of the perfections with the abominations), who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.

*excitement for global legacy conf.

Selah...

When my heart was grieved
    and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
    I was a brute beast before you.

 Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

But as for me, it is good to be near God.
Psalm 73: 21 - 26, 28a

Snippets of Scripture

Love the way God drops a portion of scripture in my spirit, then after searching a whole revelation, rebuke or life lesson that is relevant comes from that...

First example of this was Pentecost time, when I was going through period where I was very unhappy with the Church, or rather ppl in church, not mine only but across churches.....had a moment where missed church cause no transport, but asked friends to visit so could pray regardless with 2 or more, then next day as driving to work got "the one who fills everything in every way"

Thought that might be a great scripture but turns out it comes from Eph 1. 

And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way. (Ephesians 1:22, 23 NIV84)

So God fills the church...and as a christian I am part of that church, whether she is looking like the acts church or not. I cannot stand apart from the church, it is his body and God commands me to love his body, doesn't mean agree with everything but does mean I get my hands dirty.... : )

Then yesterday: so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith...

 Which led to eph  3 awesome about God wanting to strengthen me through his spirit so Christ can dwell in my heart, so that I may be rooted deep and established in love! Be filled with the fullness with him

Now today I get "as for me, I am ever with you"

which comes from Psalm 73

Yet I am always with you;

you hold me by my right hand. 

 You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward you will take me into glory. (Psalm 73:23, 24 NIV84)

Which is all about how he envied the wicked but almost fell, but when he entered the sanctuary he realised what he has....  And in the past week I had this revelation, that I do not lack! And no longer will I think that I am minderbevorig because I don't have a husband or children because I have everything in Him, more than enough, and if I think I have somehow been done in, then I don't understand what I do have, and don't grasp who I do have,the Father,Son and Holy Spirit....Yet I am always with Him.....

My thoughts on Community - Celebration and Honour....

Based on what I see, what I read, what I don't see, what I hear, what is intended, what actually occurs without the titles...I have formed my view on community. This is in the christian context. This is what I desire.

Often times we use the term Community or even Spiritual Family, but then what is occuring in those groups is just people getting together to do the work of the ministry. We are involved, we are there week in week out, but we still feel alone, or don't feel known. We then get our satisfaction knowing we aren't doing this for man but for God, and keep on keeping on.

But what I am beginning to see, through the teachings of Bethel, and through individuals and people in SA that live differently, is community is about living together, building together, but living together, its about knowing others and celebrating who they are, and being known. A culture of honour, and that honour doesn't just go outwards, but accross. I want to be a part, I feel valued, I feel known. We are more than ministry collegues, we get one another's hearts.

Wrote this on FB the other day:
I think a big building block of community, is real relationship between the smallest individual components. Where it comes down to u and me! I think if that is real we can build from there. Often time people are trying to build community the opposite way, externally, instead of starting with those u already have and adding. I desire real community. Thanks to those who share that with me.

Lets begin there, those in your life, value them, honour them, celebrate their lives, cry with them. Get to know them, pray about them.... What will grow from there will bless the rest around you, lets begin that culture, that is true community. Where I know you and you know me, and we worship and live together.

Its more than just a label.

Open Up Heaven - Kim Walker

Verse 1:
When heaven opens, over me, I'm saturated in love,
Dancing deeper in creativity, nothing impossible for me.
Stirring passion, dreams awakened,
Heaven opened, is what I long to see!

Pre-chorus:
It's the promise I was made for, born for,
To see heaven open up on earth.
It's everything I'd fight for, I'd die for,
To see heaven invade this earth!

Chorus:
Open up heaven!
We will party with the angels.
There is nothin' better,
We're ready for encounters with You.

Verse 2:
Reformation, Transformation, Revolution,
It's our destiny.
A generation, designed to worship,
We have Jesus and his presence is all we need.

Bridge:
I live for Your presence,
You are life to my heart.
I live for Your presence,
From Your love I will never part.

Can I have more of you!

Verse 1:
I give up trying to earn Your love,
I just look above, up to You.
My desire is to see Your fire,
Growing even higher than before.

Pre Chorus
Because You are good, beyond measure,
My heart longs to give You pleasure.
You fulfill all my longing,
And all my life I will sing:

Chorus:
God I love You and all You do,
Your joy lives inside and does me good,
Can I have more of You?
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound,
Oh, my God, You never let me down,
Can I have more of You?

Verse 2:
God I need You right next to me,
For my heart to be satisfied.
I decide how I live my life,
I've made up my mind, I'm livin' for You

-Kim Walker

Yesterday and Today

So I had a terrible day yesterday or rather I was stressing about things, and then collegue got a word about "His eye is on the sparrow" which she felt was for me. At the end of the day I felt I should go straight home, and just chill and meet with God. When I got home I remembered all the goodness of the Lord as previous blog post. I asked God to please meet with me in my dreams. I could not sleep deeply, as I was dreaming about work and certain destinations whole night, I eventually got up at about 5:20AM. And had quiet time, God time. I was so stressed out yesterday and so blessed afterwards that I did not even read yesterday's Spirit of Prophecy Bulletin. So today I read yesterdays and todays, which I feel is very fitting with how things turned out.

Yesterday:

Faith Tabernacle
September 17, 2012

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS:

The Lord says:
"I am drawing a line of demarcation that will create a boundary of separation between the past and the present.  I will establish a line between righteousness and ungodliness or worldliness so that some of the things you used to do, say or think will not be tolerated and will now violate your conscience or stunt your spiritual growth. 

"I am calling you, My people, to come out of Mystery Babylon, that place of hypocritical religious exercise, and do not touch what is unclean."

2 Corinthians 6:16-17  And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will dwell in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they shall be My people."  Therefore "Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean, and I will receive you."

"You will be called 'Holiness to the Lord.'  This will be your name."

Jeremiah 2:3   Israel was holiness to the LORD, The firstfruits of His increase. All that devour him will offend; Disaster will come upon them," says the LORD.'"

"I will strengthen you and cause your faith to grow.  This will happen as you see My supernatural work, which will be undeniable.  You will no longer speak lies of doubt and unbelief about what I will or will not do, nor will you bring reproach on My kingdom.

"This is a time to advance and not retreat; to go forward and not fall back.  Rise up to your full potential and be a force to be reckoned with as I move with power through you to demonstrate My will.

"There is a call going out across the land to awaken those who are asleep spiritually.  There are multitudes who have been lulled to sleep.  Many have been turning in your slumber without coming fully awake to your spiritual potential."

Romans 13:11-12  And do this, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep; for now our salvation is nearer than when we first believed.  The night is far spent, the day is at hand. Therefore let us cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light.

Ephesians 5:14  Therefore He says: "Awake, you who sleep, Arise from the dead, And Christ will give you light."

"Come forth out of the darkness of your soul.  The times require sensitivity to your spiritual atmosphere and environment.  No longer allow the enemy access or a place to rule in your circumstances.  Let Me establish you in light and truth in all things.

"I am expanding your discernment to see and understand with greater clarity as you go to war against enemy forces.  You are a shining light in the midst of deep darkness.  As you seek greater spiritual insights, the mysteries of the kingdom will set your heart ablaze with excitement and wonder."

Proverbs 25:2 It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, But the glory of kings is to search out a matter.

"Your effectiveness in working out and expressing kingdom purpose in the past will pale in comparison to what you will do in the days ahead.  There will be an exponential increase in knowledge, wisdom and revelation as you move with more confidence to accomplish My objectives," says the LORD.

Today:

Faith Tabernacle
September 18, 2012

THE TRUMPET by BILL BURNS:
 In this season, says the Lord, I will astonish you. For, I am about to demonstrate the power of My kingdom in your lives. And, as you rise up and say, "Here I am, Lord, come to me", indeed I shall visit you from on high and the manifestation of My gifts shall begin to unveil themselves in your life. The results will be a quickened faith, a faith that brings you higher into the kingdom, a faith that compels you to live under My divine rule and challenges you to come boldly before My throne of grace. Get ready for that which I am about to do. Position yourself to step fully into this new season. For, it shall be even as the trumpets have declared that the glory of My kingdom and the fire and the power of My Spirit will now come to you and come upon you.

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS:
The will of My people is being contended for, says the Lord.  The enemy has sent a strong delusion against the Body of Christ to make poor choices and to cause individuals to stand stubbornly by their decisions, right or wrong.  Standing by wrong decisions will weaken the resolve of My Church to yield to divine government.  But, I tell you the truth, I will have a glorious Church without spot or blemish.  Ephesians 5:25b-27  Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

September.... (Praise God!)

From my FB statuses today:

September... A month you may feel abandonment but it's because it's a month of deep reconciliation between man and God. God has been so busy with me the last few Septembers my next few statuses will update you!

17 September 2009, round about the same time, my dad and I head on the road to drive to Jeffrey's Bay so I can begin my 6 months missions program on the 18th. The previous Aug/Sep God spoke to me about More, More, More and on this day I took the big leap to pursue the more. If there was more to be had I wanted to go all the way. I wanted all of me to know all of him.So left home, family, friends, familiar to follow Jesus!    Also remember the amazing significance of my dad driving with me, (this was cause I didn't leave the morning as I was supposed to and he didn't want me to drive alone in dark) but it was awesome for my father to take/give me away to grow my relationship with my Father. So tomorrow will be 3years since DTS began!

September 2010, 17 September. I was in a car with 2 friends, on my way to visit YWAM Worcester for the weekend not realizing it was same time left for YWAM Jbay. In the car we had a convo about a guy who I was seeing but was really not good for my walk with God, etc. And I asked if they would pray with me, by the end of the weekend, I was greatly encouraged and a bit back to my passionate love and pursuing God which I had not been for months and the Sunday coming home was the beginning of the end of me and the guy which I was so broken up about then but so grateful now!

September 2011, Yesterday last year I finallllyyy graduated from my Btech IT, but last year was such a significant turn around month, Besides finding out my arthritis was back, I felt I'm tired of being a baby Christian when despite my best efforts for over ten years of being saved, everyone grew past me. I said God I give up... I can't anymore, I can't just be going to heaven, but I don't get to know you, hear you, experience you like everyone else. If I can't have go deeper, then I rather don't want to be a Christian, cause tired of being a half Christian. So I gave up! And for  3 days I sulked like the person who tells their spouse I'm leaving u,but then sleeps on the couch. Because I realized only reason why I sleep in dark is cause He is with me, only reason I can listen to all doc's negative reports is because He is telling me opposite, I can't with him! But I can't without him!!! So september 2011 I gave up, my Christianity, i didn't give up that God is all powerful and amazing but on my ability to tap into and be what a Christian should and could be. And didn't want to keep trying and fail anymore but after 3 days God said....

September 2011, God said You gave up. Good!!! I was just waiting for you to give up. Now I can be God. It started with a little bit of tiny rain drops while a friend spoke a word of rest and peace over my life. By the Saturday, I was the main prize winner at Kuier magazine event, a holiday for 2 with dinner and spar treatment, the a month later won R500 Markhams voucher, then a Pepsi key ring, then got my R160 phone upgraded to a blackberry, my Corsa to a yaris, then won a bamboo wood chopping board worth R280, then got a job at Europe's best IT service provider for the salary I wanted, and a month later moved out.I am now 6 months employed and the blessings just keep continuing. I think God is trying to say, "Do you get it yet, that I love you!!! How can I overwhelm and shower you with my goodness and favour! I still feel like such a baby in the Lord and there are things that are pressing and concerns. But today I wanna look back and say thank you! God you have been more than faithful, you have given me grace, you are really God, and no matter how I may feel, the truth is even when we are faithless You a faithful !!! Thank you Jesus for calling me and loving me first. Father I surrender once again and lay every crown at your feet. I choose to trust You and lift my eyes to You. May the next year to next September, be all that You plan for me Lord and for your glory. My only prayer is that you would also show my loved ones, the grace you have shown me. That Father you would reveal your heart as Jesus is introduced to them. That they would come to know, receive and be transformed by your love. That peace, strength healing and the life of God would be their portion. That you would bring favour and freedom to us all, and of course my children's children :) Thank You Lord!

So this September, no matter how lonely, overwhelmed, broke, hurting, helpless, abandoned we feel, by faith we look up to God. He first loved us, and his grace is sufficient, in fact more than enough! Isaiah 54: “For a brief moment I abandoned you,but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord your Redeemer. (Isaiah 54:7, 8 NIV84)

Still a struggle, Lord give me your grace in this.

I still struggle with:

Someone says something insensitive.

I think to tell them not to say that, or maybe explain where I'm at so they will respect where I'm at,

instead of Ok, I'll bear that in mind next time,

It escalates into more hurtful words being thrown at me, a can of worms being opened, such a backlash that I'm like maybe I shouldn't have said anything but yet, why asking someone to please respect something or trying to sort of stop more harmful words, brings more.

And yet I do not want a bitter root to grow in me, I do not want to entertain and partake of the spirit of judgement and accusation. I want to show the same grace shown to me, I want to love the way Jesus's loved. I want to listen beyond the words and have compassion to the hurting person behind the words.I want to think "That's kleintjies" to the words said to me and just rise up and show love, and be humble.

I want to! But then I don't. I take the bait. I think maybe if I just explain the person will understand.

Then I'm hurt by the result.

and then I struggle with Jesus, cause in my mind there is an unresolved issue, that I have no idea how to fix.

And maybe before all of this, I was just going to come, just going to open up to Him, now instead I feel like I can't cause things with my brother/sister is not right.

And yet I've been down this road before. I've learnt before that when I do go to Jesus, he softens my heart and I do forgive, in fact I'm filled with love and compassion, or he convicts and shows me where I'm wrong. I also think u can't extend grace, if you haven't experienced grace, if you don't know grace.
If everytime I mess up, or even people mess up with me, I suddenly feel like I can't go to my God, then I do not yet know the heart of my Father toward me.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love - 1 John 4:18

Lord please perfect me in your love. But not just for me Lord, may you teach me how to love like you love! Father I pray that you will heal the brokenness, drive out the fear, strenghthen me on the inside so I won't be so overly sensitive.

And teach me how to love. Fill me with your agape Love. Lord I forgive and release and want to love! Help me in this Oh Father.

For you have surely shown me love and grace even in the midst of my mess!

Thank you Lord. Lord may have greater revelation of You, Your love, Your love for me. May  be established and rooted deep in and grasp with all the saints, the depth, the width, the height of our love! And know this love that surpasses knowledge!

I don't want to just know it all, I want to experience your love.

Here is my heart, here is my life, here I am Lord.

All yours.

I surrender.

may I die to self, so it is not I that lives but You who live through me.

For your glory Lord.

Amen!

Tornado - Sara Groves

You live your life like a tornado
Destruction follows everywhere you go
And you have no plans to stop or slow oh

I will not let this bitter root grow in me
I will not let you leave that legacy
But it gets so hard when pain is all I see oh

Every time I find healing you're making a new mess
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness

And I tried to remove myself from your path
But I keep waking up in the aftermath
So I pick up again and say I won't look back oh
And I will not let you leave that legacy
But this constant fight is breaking me oh

Every time I find healing you're making a new mess
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness

And it hurts when you hit at the hearts of the ones I love
When everything you touch is rumble and dust
And it gets so hard to know how to trust
But I will not let that bitter root grow
I will not let it no no
But it gets so hard oh

Every time I find healing you're making a new mess
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness
And I could move and never send you a forwarding address
Or I could learn the real meaning of forgiveness

Funnies amidst seriousness...

Went to visit my dad in hospital today... Yes that is the serious part but I don't want to mull on that now, but more on the funnies that came out of the hospital visit.

Firstly Nicole was wanting my scarf! So
someone said something about bow that I work I buy expensive scarves.
I said its only R20!!! My dad says I'm lying it's a R200 scarf :)

Then when or after I started ministering to my dad, he asks me if I'm inlove. I say It's Jesus in me that you are seeing but my dad keeps going on that he must first come ask my dad out and Uncle Leon if he can be with me...lol it was funny cause I was full of God at time and I know that's the fragrance I give off but it's also slightly true that I'm smitten and it's been years since my dad made positive jokes about this,almost like a go ahead....I just shook my head, but will keep it in mind should I.

On a more serious note I trust God for complete healing for my dad's physical and spiritual heart....

May from all our hearts to the heavens, Jesus be the centre. It's all about Jesus.... In Him all things hold together! I trust also the grace shown to me will also flow to those around me especially my loved ones!

Who would have thought...

A year ago, I applied for every job but IT. It was last year this time of year that my sickness came back and I wondered is this because I am going back to work and not out doing my hearts desires. The idea of going back to a field that was stressfull, that I felt so out of place in, was scary to say the least.

BUT GOD...

Besides all the millions of other good things that have happened in my life, this blog is dedicated to the work things!

Starting this year with God changing my head and heart about IT. I attribute  this to God, cause nothing in me was excited about this field since the very beginning, in 1999 when started studying. Yes I had momentary achievements, but I longed to do community work, arts, children, travel, etc... For the last 4 years coming alive out on the mission field, a real dread was in my heart to come back to IT.

So the first thing, was realising the areas that I need growth in, Time, Tasks, Order, Process, IT is the perfect school, and also a desire to begin to write my own story, put into words by a good friend of mine. I can't live fully while lugging debt. I will not grow up in taking responsibility if I continue another ten years in my parents house. I won't get rid of the debt, if I keep working for R2000 a month.

We did a crazy thing in our young adults prayer group and trust God for a certain amount of salary. Though it was higher than what I have ever before earned, I could justify it. I would be able to move out, pay for medication, and begin to move forward if I had that amount. I began job hunting with the desire to get a job, that i can learn, grow, be challenged, that does things properly, and that pays enough. Although I wondered am I turning my back on missions, I knew I had to take a step. If God meant me to be in missions in this season even if I sent my CV for a job, he would then close that door and miraculously provide for my debt.If he meant for me to work, he would open up that door. Either way God would have his way, but I couldnt sit and twiddle my thumbs and do nothing because of fear of doing the wrong thing for years on end.

I went for about 3 interviews, then I wrote on Facebook, went for an interview today, not asking for jobs because I really was still a bit hesitant about working in IT, then a friend inboxed me to mail my cv to this company. I asked what is the position for, he didn't know but asked me to ask the girl I was mailing. She then passed my CV on, became my friend on email and FB. I had 3 different interviews for 2 different positions, then thought I didnt get the job, and then that turned around and I got the job for the position I am in now for the salary I wanted. The position I am in now, is exactly what I needed to grow in times, tasks, process. The company I work for works according to best practices so everything is done properly, documented and continuous improvement, every employee is encouraged to grow. I have a super manager :) I've made big mistakes already, but I think it was divine because it was lifelong issues that needed to be addressed and I am working at it and becoming a better person.

A year ago I would not have been able to imagine myself in IT, and now I am happy. Of course I still long for the mission field. But I also enjoy learning, and growing and interacting with the various people at my work locally and internationally. I know that this is where I am meant to be for this season. I also know that God has his hand on me, that this was divinely orchestrated by God and that he is better than good. Meeting my needs, my wants, my desires. I could not have landed a job like this for myself. I didn't believe in myself concerning IT enough to be able to do what I am doing. But daily I am becoming who he always saw me as...

Who would have thought I'd be here? The one who knows the end from the beginning. The one who has written all the days ordained for me in His book before one of them came to be. The one who has searched me and knows me. How does one say thank you to God. How do you say thank you to a God who keeps rolling out a red carpet before you  and treating you like a queen and seeing all the potential in you even before you realise it. I can say thank you, but it seems not enough. Thank You Lord. Thank you Lord.
Thank you for your faithfulness, thank you for your grace. I do not deserve it, yet you favour me.

Thank you for your cross and your love. towards me, I think I am beginning to get it, but still not there yet. But Lord as you are blessing me, do not leave my heart the same.I offer my heart back to you, may I become pleasing unto you!

Marriage Continued....

Having said all that I said previously, I have to add, I do want the romance, the pursuing, the dates, the attraction, the being overwhelmed with love, the little sweet things that go with and lead to marriage. I think I have missed out enough years, and I am an absolute romantic, so having a marriage that is merely spiritual is not enough. I want the whole shebang :) BUT I do realise the romantic things are not enough to sustain a lifetime of marriage. It is not the substance. I want  more than just 2 people falling in love, life about themselves, having children, then happily ever after. But at the same time, even though I want more, does not mean that my more should not include the above. Although I believe the above also brings glory to God.

Question: Do I want to get married soon?
Answer: Yes and No. While I am tired of being alone, living alone, living life alone. I also don't want to rush things. I want the friendship, the courtship, the building a relationship, and not jump straight into being a wife, a mother, paying bonds, etc.etc. But also time is running out. I don't know. I also have questions regarding things happening around me... And in my need to have answers I want to rush things...Which goes against what I just said above...

I do know that God's plans and purposes will prevail. If I'm meant to, God will prepare my heart, and put the desire there. I have many other questions and heart thoughts that I don't want to put on here, in case the relevant people are reading. Want clarity!!! :)

But learning or trying to wait and trust. And in meantime sorting out issues in my own life. Doing the right thing even when its hard! :)

Yeah....

Beautiful Poem - ee cummings - Somewhere I have never travelled.

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond

by E. E. Cummings

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond any experience,your eyes have their silence: in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me, or which i cannot touch because they are too near   your slightest look easily will unclose me though i have closed myself as fingers, you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens (touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose   or if your wish be to close me, i and my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly, as when the heart of this flower imagines the snow carefully everywhere descending;   nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals the power of your intense fragility:whose texture compels me with the color of its countries, rendering death and forever with each breathing   (i do not know what it is about you that closes and opens;only something in me understands the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

On Marriage....

 This is due to recent conversations that I keep expressing my view but don't have it written anywhere. Recent revelations. (though have to admit it is not a good day for me in that department...

On marriage.... ( for me ):

For me its not about finding the one who completes me, but who complements me. It's not about two halves becoming one, but two wholes being greater together. Multiplication. It's when it makes better sense for two people to be together than apart, it's when two destinies collide and accomplish great exploits together, it's when their union is not just about their own individual needs although there is beauty,love, satisfaction in their oneness....but them being together is a blessing to each other, to their future children and their future children's children, for their greater families and communities, for the world that they touch and influence, for God's purposes and his Kingdom and most of all for His glory. Marriage is no small task. This is more than just finding love, even though our hearts long for it and we come alive when we find it... It is firstly finding God, finding His love, then finding ourselves and living fully, then finding each other, complementing one another, learning to serve, learning to cleave, learning to support, learning to dance, learning to let go...learning to become one. Learning to bring God in their marriage, their love, their union reflecting the Love of Christ shared with the Church. The beauty and joy, the perseverance and commitment amidst the process of letting go of self, of trials and attacks, of distractions, of everything that we come across in daily living....this is God's plan... marriage is possible, dancing is possible, walking with Him is possible, living for his glory is possible. Two individuals, two gifts and talents and personalities, with own weaknesses and strengths, joining together, loving one another, enjoying one another, becoming one and then uniting their visions and doing greater things for God together! Changing the course of history, changing          their generational lines....wow... God give us strength, God bless our marriage, God fill us all with Your love, so we can love one another with a love that brings glory to You...Father....wow, I am such a child in this.... Maybe so far from this reality, but seeing your vision and heart in this....thank you for being Love, for making us to love. For Marriage and union and family and  sharing of love.... Thank you for blessing marriage for believing in it for creating it right in the beginning of creation.... (Gen 2).Thank you for the beauty and joy marriage brings for all that is right about it, for all that two paths beoming one new path brings, for just allowing people to even just enjoy life not alone...like you are...but mostly for Your heart toward us as shown through marriage:

Ephesians 5:

Wives and Husbands

22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Prayer of the morning

Psalm 90:

¹⁴ Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
    that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
¹⁵ Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
    for as many years as we have seen trouble.
¹⁶ May your deeds be shown to your servants,
    your splendor to their children.

¹⁷ May the favor^[b] of the Lord our God rest upon us;
    establish the work of our hands for us—
    yes, establish the work of our hands.

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,

This trully is my cry at the moment as I have to face so many things and pour out and help so many people and have so much responsibility at work and basically just flop on my bed, and occasionally can't sleep cause of pain and coldness... But in the morning Lord, I really need you to meet with me, I need you to fill me up, for me! I need your love, your presence. Satisfy me with YOUR unfailing love. Only Your love can fill me, my needs, my dryness, my deepest parts.

    that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
¹⁵ Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
    for as many years as we have seen trouble

I know if I'm filled with your love everything else is overflow...The Joy of the Lord is my strength...Satisfaction with you and your love makes me happy, and all my days will be glad if in the morning you satisfy me.....Lord you know that for years I've been sad, I've been struggling, I've been surviving, some of it was my own sin, and therefore the consequences, for sin, as you are holy and we have to live according to your ways, the other years it was trouble, not of my own doing, done to me, or done to others that i have seen and have felt for it, buckled under it, faced it. Lord for all my years of morning, May you make me glad....

¹⁶ May your deeds be shown to your servants,
    your splendor to their children.

May I see what you are doing, My I see your hand at work in my life, not just go through the motions or be swayed by my days, but see Your hand at work even in my struggles... Your life,  Your miracles, even your Sustainence. Your splendor to my children. Wow, May my children see your beauty,your splendor, be amazed by you. Even if I did not know you as a child, although from 12, May my children know you and know you in the splendour of Your holiness!

¹⁷ May the favor^[b] of the Lord our God rest upon us;

Thank you Father that you have already been favoring me, but Lord, please continue to let Your Favor your face shine upon us. come let your favour rest upon us...

   establish the work of our hands for us—
    yes, establish the work of our hands.

Lord everything that I do, work, ministry, things that i work at establish it, establish the works of my hand.Make it fruitful. Help me in my work Lord. Need you Lord.

Victory Weekend.

always promises after the storm :) He is Lord..

:(

:( is all I'm going to say. Well not all, God is good and faithful, and I am waiting on Him.

However everything else is still :(

..........

So I didnt get the job at company X after 1 interview for one position and 2 for another. We will go into all the reasons for this some other day cause right now my emotions are not ready for it. What I do want to say on this blog is...Wow God is faithful, even when I am not, and Even though there is somehow sometimes this slight disconnect to seeing what God does and really taking hold of that in my heart...I will still say Thank you Lord for your peace. cause while this job seemed right, in my mind, I didnt have this confident assurance and peace in my heart, which I have felt in the past for certain big decisions, and God waking me up this morning to pray, and then the devotional today...

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by Marsha Burns--02/03/12:
Encourage yourself, says the Lord. Rise up and establish yourself in faith that I will bring you through every situation that has the potential of bringing you down in discouragement. Ask, and I will give you wisdom and show you what must be done. I will strengthen you in your weakest moment. I am with you, and I will not forsake you. Put your entire trust in Me to rescue you from even the most dire of situations and lift you up to new heights. Do not be afraid!
2 Corinthians 12:9 And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

So I guess even though I am feeling crappy right now, my Father in heaven took the time to encourage me this morning...

Thank you Lord, heal the disconnect. Love you

Chan

1 Corinthians 2 hectic shmectic

1 Corinthians 2

 ¹ When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God.^{[a] 2} For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. ³ I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. ⁴ My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, ⁵ so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.

Wisdom From the Spirit

 ⁶ We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. ⁷ No, we speak of God’s secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. ⁸ None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. ⁹ However, as it is written:    “No eye has seen,
   no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
   what God has prepared for those who love him”^[b]—
 ¹⁰ but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.
   The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. ¹¹ For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man’s spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. ¹² We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. ¹³ This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words.^{[c] 14} The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. ¹⁵ The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man’s judgment:
 ¹⁶ “For who has known the mind of the Lord
   that he may instruct him?”^[d]
   But we have the mind of Christ.

The problem with being single after 30...

1) Almost everyone is married, and because you're not you don't think that way. You don't consider when you meet someone that they probably are married, and then they are!
2) You seem desperate, You sound desperate, but you actually aren't...
3) Few people understand what you are going through because once again... They're married and it wasn't years of waiting...
4) Some people assume because you are older and still single that you are desperate...And would go for just anybody...Including the men trying to go for you...
5) You have to be teased at every party, in every conversation, about your status.
6) Maybe you still have the romantic, crush side of you which really doesnt work at 31!
7) Your friends get younger every year as the married friends reprioritize their lives, then your younger friends get married, etc...
8) You become older, "wiser"/more cynical, fatter, greyer :) But still no man.You become more independant, more used to doing things for yourself, which generally is a put off for men but how can u help it if for most of your life you have to look after yourself...Confidence levels also change.
9) your dream for 5 children becomes 2,and adoption...or you look around u and say maybe I shouldnt have 5 cause I now understand (not the money concern) but the capacity concern.
10) You go between being ok and not ok, the worst part is again if other people assume you are desperate...E.g you meet a guy, and all you are thinking is Great! new Guy friends, so I can be more normal. But he or others are saying...She is plus 30, she is desperate, let me keep my distance. When you are just trying to be friends...Then other times you do notice the amazing qualities in friends and it drives you nuts! Cause there is no way of knowing, if there hasnt been anyone till now, then why would things change now, so don't even dream!
11) Weddings and social events don't contain the plus one invite anymore which used to force you to try and interact with guys to get a partner to the event...Wherever you go, its mostly just ladies...and even if there were men u'd be a bit akward cause we just don't have that culture anymore of mixing, ladies sit and drink tea, while guys talk politics and world events (which I like, but then it looks weird me sitting with the men!)
Also back in the day, parties contained, dancing, Jazzing and Bluesing, once again, akward, but interaction!
12) You have the whole idea panned out in your mind, the colours, the childrens names, everything, but if any potential comes in site...You freak out cause although u say u want it, the reality is for the past 10 years you didnt need to consider someone else...And don't know how you would be anymore.
13) When someone does pay interest you act all weirdly, cause again, this is not something u do all the time or have done in the longest time, would have been easier if u just married the love of ur life you met at 18, at 23 as planned.
14) You actually begin to consider blind dates, etc.etc... WHICH YOU NEVER DID BEFORE...esp. as a christian... I mean now like internet meeting sites *ok I am not at this point yet..But watching too much reality tv makes u wish you friends did set u up on a blind date.
15) People still give you the speech of once you forget about it will come... Or how to wait patiently...Ok heard that speech at 22, 25, 27, 29, 31...I've gone for 3 years without looking around or even expecting, just enjoying God...I know what it is like to wait, I don't grab the first guy who pays attention, I do know God knows...Its normal to I think have bouts of wondering again...I can say this cause in 12 years of being single if it weren't normal I'd be an absolute freak or I would have a strong case of asking Why I'm not married after 12 years of patiently waiting...I think life is about being real too!

There are more points, they will come as I vent more... 

But the reality is, that I know God knows. I know that he is still busy healing me and I know that in this past 12 years of being single, I haven't been twiddling my thumbs but I have been living life, I've gone on missions, I've travelled, I've learnt alot, Even began to heal deep things in my life that was there even before I used to date and was reason for messing up those relationships. I can wait even 12 years more if God is still walking with me and leading me on, as long as he teaches me how to deal with when the potential people come alongside me. I really know he knows and I actually trust him. Well I don't trust myself that much even in the choosing. I am grateful that he has kept a hedge around me, esp. when I wanted the wrong guys, he just made it not work out... I believe this year will be different, and I am trying to learn to really trust and depend on God for the big life transitions... And in learning to follow and find him in life, I hope when the love comes I will hear His voice.

but for today, just needed to vent on here, cause as I said when I try and tell people where I'm at, they just don't understand...
 

Places to Visit and Hangout

Stellenbosch:


Beads

5 Ryneveldt

Die Kagel

Wijnplek (beautiful inside)